Currently Reading Black Cat, Vol. 15 (Black Cat (Graphic Novels)) see related

Bachelor party

     so yeah had adams bachelor party on friday. I was pretty fun. I am still pissed about the cake though. Anyway i think that i have fully recouperated by now. i am still tired but when the fuck am i not. A few people surprised me that nite. One was krista and they other was steve. i have a tendency to not like people just because i get certain vibes off them but both people were pretty cool that nite. I did feel a lil bit alone but not that bad. I had fun in the all. It was a nice nite . I am broke from it but what else is new.

      The new black cat is out and i have it now but i avent started to read it yet. prolly after i write this hoenestly. In fact that is sounding alomost better than this and going to class to turn in a paper. But oh well its glorious time will come. So yeah i am excited i have friday and saturday off this week. i will be wishing i didnt in a couple of weeks but oh well. Might as well love it as it happens. i havent more than one day off of work in over 4 months. wait i think i did have off a holiday a couple months ago. anyway. as most of you know adam is getting married on saturday and korey is his best man. It should be fun but depressing at the same time. mandi has not had a bf in like a year not even been on a date. Its a very sad thing. I think that i am pretty cool person. I might resort to lesbianism so that i have more to choose from. Im borderline anyway.

     Maybe i am not approachable or something like that. people look at me but they never say anything. Its a very sad situation to be in. I am not that desperate girl who has to have a bf all the fucking time but man i am dying to be in the game right now but i am never gonna lower my standards. I did that once already and look where that got me. Broken up with on sweetest day but a 31 year old. what a mess that was. And i am not asking siomeone out again. I always do i ahve never been asked out before its very sad. Oh well. Let me know what i should do masses cause i am stuck.

      Oh and another thing i have been having some strange dreams altely last nites was good but sad at the same time about this guy who i have known forever and we accually did date when we were younger but yeah hes not interested in me. I mean why would he be?

Life sucks and then you die. So did i mention to anyone that i got stood up and by my best friend no doubt. I mean i hardly get to see him outside work and here he says that we  were gonnat hang on monday on like friday nite but then i get this text on monday saying that he had to do something more important. I mean it may be important the first or second time that something like that comes up but not after a couple times. I am starting to really doubt everything now and he doesnt get it. All he cares about is his self. he calls other people selfish and i am but i am not self centered nor do i have my head up my ass. The truth is he made his choice long ago and i just ignored the signs. I mean i did some horrible things but i thought he was more intellegent than me. Now i really wonder. I know that i wasnt a good best friend back then.

The thing that hurts the most is that now i cant even cheer him up. I just make it worse. I know i do. He says that other people that he loes lies but i know that he is too. And he used to never be the type of person that would lie at least over something petty such as being happy. It hurts so much to see him change in this way. I want to help and now im too much out of his life that i cant. When things get bad which they prolly will before they get better again, he will come to me with a tear in his eye and i cant turn him down. I could never turn him down cause i still love him so much. But i dont love that which he is becoming. He is becoming me in a way which i dont like people like me at all. I just want to hit people like me in the face. I dont think that i shoulkd publish this but i really dont care at this point. all i want is my best friend at least semi back. Like just now he said that he would call me but he hasnt cause when he is with him thats all that matters.

Currently Reading Vampire Knight, Vol. 4 (Vampire Knight) see related

so alot to say here. I havent updated in forever. only because my comp at home sucks and i didnt take classes last quarter. I was planning on taking 2 summer classes but that turned into only one cause my math class got cancelled. found out today to the first day of classes. sucks pretty bad. But i am still on for my english class. 

On another note i am still working hard at subway being nite shift supervisior or something like it. It sucks and i am looking for another job.  i want something out of the food biz. What i really want is a security job.

My mom and tom are stillin new orleans. They have been there for almost a month and they went for another month before this. i miss my mom but could care less for tom. My bro trav got hired on at appleton, hasnt started yet though but its still awesome.

well i guess thats it. Oh and i got that 1 nite in paris its okay not great but the ones that dont have paris in them are good. just thought i would add that. 

Currently Listening Vol. II By Hurt see related

Times sure are shitty

And they aint getting any better.

So hows mandi you may ask? Mandi is okay shes tired and doenst want to do much of anything pretaining to school or work.

I am okay not sick or beat up or anything. I do feel violated though. Yesterday at work these lil kids were grabing at me. I was pushing them off but i guess they didnt get the hint. I wanted to hit them and i had every right too but i dont knw why I didnt. It wasnt like i wanted to be felt up but 14 year old boys. But i guess that it wasnt that big of a deal to me. It kind of upset me that i didnt care though. I dont know if i should tell my boss or not. I am still debating. Oh well. other than that i had a decent nite at koreys house it was fun even though i was keeping him awake because i had to type my paper for my utopia class. I am almost done with school and im glal even though i really did terrible this quarter lol. Oh well i will do better this next one. I think it was because i was taking all gen eds but oh well ill prolly have to take a few agian i did so bad.

I just realized that i am losing that sense of meaness that i used to have i am stronger than ever but i have no will to use it at all. I am not even brutally honest anymore. I am turning into a vegitable. Its terrible i have a weakness but for what? or who? I am prolly not even that fun to hang out with anymore. I am not the same mandi i was even a week ago. I am evolving into this person who doesnt give a shit what is done to her because she wont fight back. I have always been a whole lot of talk but now i dont evn talk anymore. I have lost what makes me, me! what happened to make this happen? I am so lost. The old mandi would have beat the shit out of those boys, but the new me just barely tried to shake them off? I am scared of what i am becoming. Maybe someone reading this could shed some lite on this topic for me cause i am clueless.

"Better"

Those things you thought that were obscene
Will quickly become your routine
And he invited you over
An addict quickly gets undressed
With something ot get off her chest
You made a trade 'cause you're sober
And it stings to remind you
Of all that's behind you
But i don't want to lose you right now...
'cause they say it gets better before it gets worse
You know it gets better, so of course it gets worse

Your body's made of dollar bills
You'd spend them all on some cheap thrill
But what when you're older?
You stuck a point into your arm
But did you contemplate the harm?
As it moved up your shoulder...
Did it make you feel better
Right before it got worse
I used to make you feel better
But now it just hurts...
And there's no hope 'cause i'm in love with you
I cannot cope; guess i'm addicted too

You keep on coming over me
I keep on crying over you
It shows me what it's come to be
It shows me what i mean to you
'cause you're killing me......

And after all you would think
It's my fault when all in all i know is that you're killing me!

Currently Listening My December By Kelly Clarkson see related

SOBER

so music and manga make my world go round. Before i go to sleep i always read some sort of manga while listening to my ipod on my pink hello kitty ipod dock which makes me smile. But two nites ago i heard a song by kelly clarkson that i had heard once before and it made me cry that time as well as two nites ago. So much has happened in the past year all of it not being bad but part of it was and is. the new stuff still cuts me with its knife daily i have the scars to prove it. anyway this song has some lyrics that will make you think and then some that will make you say what the fuck does that mean but okay whatever.

Last nite korey and i had a okay talk. It was interesting how it turned out. I thought the nite might have ended badly but it turned out okay regardless of some of the words that were said. I found out some interesting things. Like that if korey asked me to drive to florida to pick him i would go no questions asked. Which i would but i would have never put it that way. I also learned a few other things but i dont think its such a good idea so share them with the general public but it pissed me off but not really at korey persay. anyway i did a bit of soul searching and well i will let you know i am still in the process.

So i have been having some strange but great dreams. great in a very sexual way lol. but strange people are in them. Not any of my close friends. But still some of the i know. I accually sent one of them a message and hes single but in shorter words than he used; hes playing the field. Its cool though he lives anoyt 2 hours away anyway. But yeah another dead end. Its okay though cause this friday is taste of chaos. oh yeah baby i am pumped. I might end up flashing people lol. maybe that will help? I am thinking not but it could be interesting. I am a bit worried about my ex brian being there though. I guess i would have to face him sooner or later  though since i will more than likely be working with him this summer. anyway interesting is all i can say. I kind of hope that he is there in a strange way though. then i might just have to flash someone to piss him off cause i wouldnt sleep with his old ass.

"Sober"

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers