So,

refering to my last entry.. Everything i didnt want to happen, happened.

Josh has a boyfriend (yeah, hes bi)! But, I had to find out on my own. He wouldnt tell me. WHY wouldnt he tell me? I knew he was keeping something from me, cause he was talking about something in front of me.. And I asked about it and everyone in the group (Tal, Kristina and Leah) just kinda looked and nodded. Then he continued on, without telling me. Not only that, this dude hes with [myke] is in Pennsylvania. So, im assuming theyve never met, and to add another thing.. he probably met him on the computer. HOW FUCKING PROMISING!   I dont understand, i just dont. I do blame Tal to an extent, because i know she was trying to get josh with someone other than me.. i just know that. She wants Josh to be GAY. Why, i dont know... Joshs last boyfriend was his first. Therefore, i think it was kinda an experimental thing. Josh doesnt know. I know he doesnt. HES LOST. and using Talarie as a guide,, you might as well hang yourself and get it over with.

But, im gonna support josh. but before i do. I have to know this is what HE wants, and NOT other people.

FUCK!

[also, i thought everyone was over the 'lets keep secrets from brittney' stage.  I guess not. So much for growing up.]

Wow,

alot has happened in so little time.

I have alot I could say right about now. About pretty much EVERYTHING.

I'll start with the Tal situation.--

To give the breifing about it.. basically one of my closer friends, drea, was crushing on a boy. Talarie.. (She is a very flirty person, naturally, and I do give her that. I DO understand that.) But, no matter someones personality; there is a line you dont cross when it comes to your friends. Especially when it comes to boyfriends... Talarie crossed that line, whether she meant to or not, she did. And she should have owned up to it, apoligized, whatever, instead of trying to deny it. If she doesnt think she came on to Joseph; she could still try and relate to Dreas feelings. Her denying the fact doesnt make andreas feelings just GO AWAY.  It doesnt happen. Since then, Tal has been making it into a bigger issue. It could have stayed where it was. But, Talarie has gone, bringing people into it. She even asked Joseph if he liked Andrea.. thinking his response would make Andrea not mad at her. That back fired. It all has shown that she is being inconsiderate of others feelings. And is only worried about herself. The funny part, about two months ago; I had these same feelings about Talarie. That she didnt care about anyone but herself, and the whole bit. But basically, I was told by Andrea and Katie, at the time, to suck it up. Because Tal would never do that.. blah, blah. And didnt believe me, telling me.. I was wrong (it was a horrible experience.)  Now, I think Talarie is out for me.. Shes thinking (of herself again) that I manipulated andrea into believeing my side.  When, at that point and time.. I was really coming to grips with everything and we were really getting along. I dont know where I belong in this situation.. I dont know where i WANT to be either. I cant take the sidelines, thats apparent. But, its really not about me. Plus,  I dont want it to affect Mine and Joshs (Chris?) Relationship.

That being said.. Her 'adoptive' son Joshua, happens to be my 'looove' as my mom calls it. We like each other.. its known.. its obvious.. blaah. But, were not 'together'.. yet!  Josh happens to be the type to put himself out there just to make others happy. Even if he gets hurt or doesnt really approve of the outcome. Josh does look up to Tal to some degree, of which im unsure about... Ever since Talaries and Andrea issue started Josh was treating me differently.. (not hugging me like he used to, or as often.. little things like that.)!! Things are getting better, were hanging out more.. I know he still likes me,, but I have a feeling Talarie was trying to get him to 'drift' away from me.. or chose someone other than me. As revenge, although, i have no proof of it. I CAN be suspicious. He is the perfect type of person to do that, just to make Tal happy.  Now, I think. If he can do that to make her happy.. then he isnt someone I should want.. But i do want him. Hes amazing. Hes a sweety,, and everyone likes him. :)

Blahh. drama is never endingg.

I like a new boy. Yay!! J,, yupperss. He makes me giddy. And there is actual potential. Alot of people ( well my friends and one of his) say they think we would be good for each other. I talk to him alot. And he sings, and lately; thats rather important. I like male voices. haha. I know Im ready for this. Seattle, we will be together for three days. I can hardly wait. (For time with him, and Seattle in general)

After last nights events, I felt extremely bad.

I couldnt believe I let C hold my hand, put his hands in my pockets, among other things. WHEN my best friend likes him. I didnt even shrug him off. I let him. Not only did he hold my hand once, he did it mulitple times. Gag me. I feel horrbile. Its worse when C knows exactly who I like (who happens to be his best friend.. "Ive known him since 7th grade." "Hes lying, probably 5th.") and he thinks we are perfect for each other (he needs a good [woman] in his life). If he is so sure that we are, why does he go and flirt (or whatever you would call that) with me. ( I do like J instead of C, just so thats clear.)

I also found out, Mr. Fucking Neil is back into the picture to some degree. I was thinking while blow drying my hair this afternoon that.. Anyone I know who knows Nick agrees that he is scum. He has done nothing good for anyone that I know. NOTHING. He appears, disappears, then cant figure out why people are mad at him. He has no appreciation for others doings, nor does he care how his actions effect others. I can understand wanting to help someone, but to do so they HAVE to be wanting it. Neil doesnt want it at all. He is just bored, or feels bad. He remembered you existed, for now. Until he is drunk, high and probably tripping on X. Our names wont mean anything. And thats when, if he cared, truly cared; It would. Talking to someone, even if (A) have no intentions of helping just re-opens wounds and ruins what you(A) have fixed within yourself. Look 10 years out, 15... you(A) know hes not gonna be around. Hes just not.

SEATTLE... My choir class leaves May 8th for a nine hour drive to Seattle. About 2 and a half hours into it we are stoping in Othello, WA. to do a H.S. exchange. Then continuing on to Sea. We are singing at the Seattle Center, going to experience the music, going to the piers and VERY first starbucks ever, and a mariners on the 9th. Im not sure if were doing anything on the 10th besides coming home. But, Itll be very exciting. and ill get to bond with my choir class.

Life is looking up.

Coddee-

-tear-

im sorry.

you'd love her.

:(

Im just soo confused.

VICTIM:

1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent <the schools are victims of the social system>: as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions <a victim of cancer> <a victim of the auto crash> <a murder victim> (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment <a frequent victim of political attacks> b: one that is tricked or duped <a con man's victim>

I think i am somewhat being a victim in this brutal game you/we're playing.

"Maybe if I get pushed around ENOUGH theyll see it too. Even though Ill be 'bleeding' metaphorically. But, hey, it still might be MY fault, yahhhknow." -Previous post.

I shouldnt explain myself but I will. You dont see what shes doing apparently, if she does it enoough and i keep pointing it out maybe youll see. But how much of it do i have to go through before youll understand or see it?

What sucks the most, NONE of this would be happening if I hadent told people how i felt on Valentines day. __________________________________________________________________________________

I have tried, been trying, but i still dont get any 'wahooo brittneys' its still. "Well, you said this thing at this time..blahh..blahh.blahh..."

Jazzfest was great; i enjoyed it. I got along with her and actually didnt mind being with her at all. (But, i guess that doesnt matter!) 

Im still loving life i suppose. Taking it in stride, figuring things out, learning more about people, loving my friends, my family, my dogs, everything.

Im becoming closer some people. which is exciting.

: )