behindthetears15's Xanga

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 13:03:06 GMT

hmm...today..well today is layna's birthday!!!!! and that's the only best thing about today lol sorry no long entry today i'm just trying to stay on top of this thing again but all that's going on today is work and getting ready for thanksgiving for tomorrow and that layna turned 18! later

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARLAYNA!!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 16:43:47 GMT

Alright well i'm really bored today and have been getting my homework done. I hate being behind on work but i had to get my appendix out which resulting in missing a week and a half of school and work. I mean don't get me wrong it was nice to have that long break and sit around and do nothing because i couldn't lift anything or walk or drive all i could do was lay in bed or play video games. But then reality hits and i have to go back to school and work and i have all these test and assignments to make up...oh well it will all be done soon..i hope.

thanksgiving break is next week so i'm excited for that and layna's birthday is next wed. i hope i get to go pick her up from school that would be fun to just hang out i miss her and hanging out with her last weekend really made me realize how much i miss having her around and being able to just walk down the street when i needed someone to talk to or to just hang out and spend the night. I miss being a little kid, when jealousy and boys didn't exist. You ever feel like someone you really care about it slowly slipping away and your being replaced...i think i've felt this way about a lot of things since high school of 10th grade. Oh well life goes on and i've had a lot of things happen to me. Ugh!! i really don't want to do my math homework, homework sucks! i have like 5 math assignments of like 90 problems each and it's due tuesday and i need to get it done but i'm going to go insane if i put it off till monday night but i don't' want to do it!! oh well i'm going to actually get something done...later

P.S.: My brother ran in a marathon called the race for the cure on his 21st birthday which was october 14th and he made a shirt for my mom and on the front was a picture of her smiling and it had the lyrics from i run for life by Melissa Etheridge, and on the back was my mom sticking her tongue out and it said "i run for my mom" and then it had her name and stuff a close friend of ours also made a shirt that had my mom on the front and her aunt who is a survivor on the back...here's a picture from the race.

Mother<3

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:45:48 GMT

Wow...haven't written in here in forever....

alot has happened and always will, life still goes on no matter what your going through. Some days i'm doing great and nothing can get me down, other days it hits me like a train and it's too hard to deal with. I miss her and nothing can bring her back, that one day plays over and over in my head everyday and i keep thinking it's a horrible dream that i can just change and i'll wake up from this nightmare and walk down and see her smiling face and hear her voice. But just like her voice it has all faded away to the back of my mind and it's all reality.

I remember that day almost as if it happened two mins ago, i remember i got out of school and i was borrowing steve's car while he was out skating and i was supposed to go hang out and my dad had called and said that i need to go home and that i was going to come to the hospital to see my mom with my sister. I remember i was so mad at my dad because i wanted to go home and do what i had planned i had no idea my mom was in any bad condition i saw her the night before and she was doing fine and was coming home the next day. So i go home and my sister is like yeah Mrs. Dawn and Mr. Bob are going to take us to the hospital i was like okay, the ride there i fell asleep in the van and i get there and i have no idea what's going on . My dad walks out of the room and i see the look on his face and before i even get in the room i know there's something wrong. I walk in the room and the curtain is pulled closed so i have to walk around and my eyes are in tears and i walk around the curtain to see my mom and she's just laying there like a vegetable unable to even acknowledge i'm in the room she can't talk or move or look at me. At this point i hug my dad and everyone is in tears and i take a seat in the room and my dad sits at my mom's side holding her hand talking to her knowing she can hear us but can't respond the machine is helping her breath and keep her heart beating. My brother finally arrives and he had no idea either and he comes around the curtain and is in tears and hugging my dad and takes a seat next to her and holds her hand and talks to her. My sister is next to sit and hold her hand and talk to her, then mine...i sit on her left side her head is turned off to this side her eyes are so lost you look in them and there's nothing and i am silent and have been since i walked in and saw her, all i can do is pray in my head and hold her hand and i'm looking at her and i feel like she's trying to tell me something and she ends up spitting up on herself and i know it's weird but i feel like she was trying to talk to me and she tried so hard but couldn't. The nurse comes in and cleans her up and i'm now sitting on her right side holding her arm and my dad is sitting on the bed next to me and my sister is sitting by her feeting holding her feet and my brother is holding her left hand. We sang songs she loved and we played "alison trivia" where my dad asked questions about my mom and we would answer them and we would ask my dad questions and he would answer and tell us stories. then the breathing stops....we played one last game with her and it was time for her to go...so the fight was over. we have been watching my mom and praying for her to fight this and fight for her life for 4 hours now and then it all just stops...it felt like forever. i squeezed her arm and watch her heart beat slowly come to a halt and she was gone. my family is crying and i can't even lift my head up i'm squeezing her arm and i'm crying and i won't let go. everyone is just watching this and my dad is trying to make me let go and trying to grab my hand off and i won't let go i'm not ready for this. i'm screaming in my head "THIS IS NOT FAIR, YOU CAN'T LEAVE, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! COME BACK PLEASE! MOM! MOM! MOM!" i finally let go but i still haven't said anything. i get like a second alone with her before Mrs. Diana came in but i'm standing there looking at my mom who has been my everything my whole life who is now gone and i'm tracing every outline of her clothing and holding her hand and whispering that i love her and i feel her face and it's so cold and Mrs. Diana comes in and my mom had teddy bears on her pajama's and she pointed them out and told me that my mom will always be there for me and always be in my heart and she isn't really gone and will always watch over me. The rest of the night was just going home and telling my nana and people came over and were just doing the best to be there for us. I finally spoke on the ride home from the hospital as i sat in the front seat next to my dad holding my mom's stuffed bear, i made it my own, believing that she is apart of this bear because it was hers and it was there when she passed. That bear was the only thing that helped me sleep that night.

alot is going on in my life and some things are tough to get through some easier then others i will always miss my mom and wish i could change things and make it back to how my life was but i know it will never happen.
i came on to this site thinking i would just look then found myself writing but about what, i had a completely different thing to write about and my mind took over and this is what came out...i'm sorry for the long post and sorry if you actually read it i mean that's great but it is long!

In Loving Memory Of Alison F. Sullivan<3

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 23:33:03 GMT

....i have a feeling you'll succed far and wide...while i'm stuck here on the same old windy road...getting no where not doing anything with my life when that's all i want is to move on...you'll forget about this place as fast as you forgot about me....enjoy your victory for those true hero's are living a legend....

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 22:11:25 GMT

....i hate this...

...why bother...

...you don't care anymore...

....your as blind as i am alone...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 18:44:48 GMT

well today my tournament was canceled which sucked but to look on the brighter side....I GET TO SEE MY POOKIE TONIGHT!! YAAAAAAAY!! haha i love my pookie and i can't wait till her party either! it's gonna be great....well i have to get in the shower and go get a job application...ugh...oh well...catch ya later

p.s. I LOVE POOKIE SHE'S ONE SEXAY BEAST!! ow ow! haha that ones for you jess....this entry is so a pookie entry!! love ya girl!

it's times like these...i miss oh so much! i guess no matter how much you try not to change the world and others around you are always changing including yourself...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 16:56:48 GMT

wow haven't written in here awhile...but i guess traveling old roads brings you back to old habbits....

...anyway...so i now have a license well have had for a while play club volleyball the best!! and my birthday was awhile about almost 20 days ago but instead 19 lol anyway....i dont' really know what else to put in here...i mean alot has happened in the past half year...with my mom and school volleyball and family and friends it's def. been tough and a bumpy road...and it's kinda all been thrown at my face at once...with how tough the season for highschool volleyball was and fustrating it was when i didn't get to play and my coach wouldn't tell me why then finding out my mom is battling cancer and then getting in trouble for grades and then a good friend dies and it just sucks....but i'm pulling through and i have great ppl that are there for me even if they don't know it they are like just saying hey to me when we don't normally talk or even a homemade birthday card on my birthday that was just the greastest gift i got that day, and she was the only person that thought of me and decided to take time out of what she was doing to make me a card when not even my closest friends or friends i kinda still talk to didn't just said "happy birthday" and the ones that planned on throwing me a lil get together i mean it was all great and that's what i need most...sometimes i wish someone would open her eyes and just say "how are you" "hows your mom" hows your family"? ya know....just from someone i have known since i was in preschool and has been there for me for everything i would think about still be there to make sure i was okay to call and ask to hang out or stop by or send flowers or something....but no...i've gotten flowers from a volleyball teammate who i have become amazingly close and good friends with her and her family and i just love them to death their great and are there and have cooked dinner and sent flowers and overed rides and offered a place when i need to...and another friend that i knew since 92 or 93 that moved after 2nd grade i have been hanging out with and i've been going to their house alot just cuz it's a place to go and their really great too they ask how i am if i need anything how my mom is and just being really great...even if i don't need anything or a place to go or food or don't wanna talk about it....it's still nice to know someone that cares i won't hate you cuz you ask i just want you to care you've been my best friend and i've seen less of you since last year and this year and it's when i need you the most...but i guess that's what happens in highschool you win some you lose some...and i've def. lost alot....but you've found a new path and that's great and all....

wow...i'm gonna stop ranting i just typed way more then i wanted to...anyway...later

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 16:10:41 GMT

TODAY IS MY MOMMY'S BIRTHDAY!!

and my sister came home today as well so it's a totally awesome day even though i am avoiding ap and i'm really behind and need to get it done before school starts in a week!! ahhh school!! nooooo!!! well i'm off to work on myspace and maybe get something to eat...later

Friday, August 19, 2005

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 16:46:35 GMT

so tired...and so behind on ap....

well update of pics from the bbq bash and waterskiing...

-layna, me, and kayla

-me skiing first time

-me sitting in the boat watching layna ski

-layna skiing

-kayla skiing

-kayla sitting in boat watching layna ski as well

-bubbles!!! hehe me and becca blowing bubbles off the wall!

-me getting my face painted

-isn't it pretty layna designed it...it was all glitery and cool!!

-becca, me, and layna

-haha i love this picture "hot stuff ahead" yea you know what that can conclude too!! :wink: :wink:

Friday, August 19, 2005

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 00:06:35 GMT

alright i think i'm gonna update!!! omg it's a miracle

well the end of the summer has been fun lol...

-well what i can remember is i had 2 weeks of camp....tennis then volleyball all and all they were fun tiring and long but fun...

-then i had volleyball try outs but before that....

-BEL AIR BBQ BASH!! 05' KICK ASS NIGHT!....yea me and layna went and we saw paul, steve, jon, shane, and well basically the skater crew.....and then we went and saw becca and hung out with her and then me and layna went to wawa and tried to avoid eye contact with the woman that's homeless and comes in there to sell necklaces and then we got our faces painted!!! haha yes that was cool...and then becca's dad won1st place for his bbq CONGRATS! then we all hung out and walked around and made fun of the drunk adults and then left

-okay now v-ball tryouts.....long, tiring, painful....and worth it....i made varsity i am number 17 i wanted 18 but megan silberzan took it....damn her!! just kidding anyway practice tomorrow and first scrimage tuesday if you would like to come watch

-tonight was awesome i met up with steve, mike, and danielle at the mall and we hung out and some guy asked me if i read magazines i said no and that i was a bookworm cuz i didn't want to buy any or get hit on....so we all hung out then me and steve went to panera which was awesome and good then i went and picked up anthony and nick and we went to the mall got gum then went to mcdonalds and got some food and everything turned into a sexual joke for some reason it was funny then we left and drove around and went to artic circle and got some ice cream but i swear on the way nick was crazy he like stryped in the back of the car and was dancing to the music it was so funny i thought i was gonna pee myself lol then i took them home...tonight was fun!!

- oh yea i almost forgot i went water skiing with layna and kayla that was kick ass! well i'm off to bed practice tomorrow

later

-UPDATING AND ADDING PICS FROM BBQ BASH AND WATERSKIING TOMORROW!! STAY TUNED LOL!