belovedjojo's Xanga

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:40:18 GMT

In the past few recent years, I have stopped expecting people to stick around long enough to call them friends, but I am always happily surprised when they stick around longer than I expect.

Then again, when this happens, I anticipate the day they decide I am not what they had in mind, and leave.

By Mother Theresa

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:32:46 GMT

This is the quote that, whenever read, is the very thing that inspires me to continue the way I am (I like to believe that my behavior reflects my beliefs) despite bearing the various memories of trauma and it's endless consequences:

The success of love is in the loving
- it is not in the result of loving.
Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person,
but whether it turns out that way or not
does not determine the value
of what we have done

Situations that make me hate myself often let me drift into thoughts of violence, both inward and outer violence, but reading this always reminds me of the value of otherwise -- of the ambition of peace, around the world as well as mental and emotional. Reaching for peace, seemingly far, will eventually extend into myself, what Buddhist monks call Enlightenment. I want that.

I am too often hurt, and since adopting this way of living, I have also become extremely sensitive and emotional. In the past, I would've closed myself from everything, but this gives me hope and lets me stay open, vulnerable. And if someone pushes the limit, where I sense abuse of this kind of love, it permits me to let go with no thoughts of regret or guilt -- more like feeling sad but knowing it will do me good in the end. In other words, I can let go (of abusive lovers, for example) without feeling anxious.

I have written this in all the notebooks I often use for class and paper journals, as well as keep a copy of it in my wallet. Just in case. It means that much to me.

state of my union

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:54:47 GMT

I've thought long and hard (for a year, actually) about my New Year's resolutions. I didn't make any resolutions last year because I wasn't sure what I wanted to accomplish, but now I do. Here they are:

Probably the easiest, I am going to make a good effort to reply to emails, text messages, snail mails, etc. in a much more timely fashion. I used to enjoy emailing but because of all the work I took on in 2007, in order to keep in touch with everyone emails had to be sent daily and often. It became such a chore. The sheer amount of emails was so overwhelming and took up an incredible amount of time. After a few months of this, I started replying weeks late, and soon I would resort to not replying at all, especially if they were personal letters. At the time, those personal kinds were considered "unimportant" and not particularly urgent. I'd read them, of course, and I cherished the heart put into those letters but by not replying, I had created a distance between the person and me. Sometimes, they'd get angry, hurt, and would leave them to wonder if I'd cared. Replying to emails will remind me that friendships are created by putting effort into the relationship. One can't simply expect to be understood and one needs to put effort into the people they care about.

This is related to how I want others to feel about themselves when they meet me. I want to reach into the hearts of others, get to know them, understand. The BYP members were significant in helping me to realize this. We all need to be sensitive to people's histories and where they are coming from (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) That, I think, is just too important.

I will try to live a minimalist, anti-consumerist lifestyle. I hate clutter because it's so overbearing, chaotic, and distracting. Living a minimalist lifestyle will keep me focused on my priorities and aspirations in life.
I want to spend more time with friends as well as create new ones. Seriously, friendships are worth creating, even if they aren't always perfect and don't always give you what you need (like, emotional support).
I will continue to avoid negative assholes who don't know how to treat people with respect and who constantly put others down; I will not tolerate it and I have no patience for such shit.
Make money so I can own a condo in the Washington, DC metro area. Money is access and stability. Additionally, I have to learn how to handle my finances smartly.
I will continue to view others' suffering with compassion and continue to work to uproot the evils causing it. At the same time, it's not something to be treated as if it were a "white man's burden."
I have to stop apologizing for who I am just because people don't have the capacity to understand and aren't willing to take the time to.
Learn to practice non-violence in everything, and stop exerting power when I have inherited privilege.
I will be more transparent about my needs and how I feel, instead of suddenly withdrawing with no explanation.
I probably won't keep this one, but I'm going to try going vegetarian. There are many reasons, but one of them is that eating meat is arguably a violent act and contributes to world hunger.
I will pay more attention to my body and health and to my public presence.
Learn to live interdependently. Being independent is all right, but being interdependent is better. We must learn to live with each other since our every action has its consequences whether or not we see it or meant it. In other words, every action has its vibrations and it -does- effect everyone around you, even those you don't know on the other side of the world. Also, we must learn to rely on each other -- we are not islands -- and we have our flaws and we need others to help us to teach us things as well as help lift others. It's called teamwork.
In every situation, I will try my best to rise above the circumstances.
Judge people by the content of their character, and that's it. I don't mean that if someone were to choose to become a prostitute, I'd automatically label them as "slut" then think of them as bad people, but in how much person will treat others as human beings and how much they value their own lives (which means being able to see prostitutes as full human beings). This is obviously inspired by MLK, jr.

All of this is subject to change. I'm not happy with the way I've worded some of these because I don't think it accurately describes what I'm going for and why, but it's something like this and I needed to write for clarity and keep things straight. Luckily, I've gotten a head start on most of these.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:39:00 GMT

RIP, Benazir Bhutto.

"You can imprison a man [sic], but not an idea. You can exile a man, but not an idea. You can kill a man, but not an idea."

an email I wrote at 3AM, tokyo.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 13:02:38 GMT

dudes:

The Ainu, an ethnic minority concentrated in northern Japan, have a greeting that goes something like, "Let me touch your heart." It's my favorite greeting because it's how I'd like to approach my relationships from now on, to let others change me as well as influence the mindsets of others. So: Let me touch your heart.

I wonder what you've all been up to this season. Have you made any New Year's resolutions? New friends? Lovers? Or have you withdrawn yourself from the world? How has everything changed since I've last seen you?

There has been a lot on my mind. For one, after arriving in Japan, Burma has been in fiery uproar. The human rights situation in Burma has gone to shit. Because of the sudden jack up of fuel prices in September, thousands have gone to the streets to protest. This increase of fuel prices means: no more public transportation and expensive (unaffordable) food staples, such as rice. The average civilian before then already had a lot of trouble obtaining such luxuries that we, citizens of the "free world", take for granted. To protest this dire economic situation (and in marriage its political situation) is downright courageous in a country notorious for brutally silencing dissent, as in 1988. In response to the thousands peacefully protesting, the military government and its sheep imprisons, tortures, and/or murders some of them like intimidated barbarians. Now, according to burmanet.org, the lifeless bodies of dissidents can be counted in the thousands [1]. That fact alone makes me retch. Such disgusting behavior is so sickening I am overcome with irrational anger until I am reminded of the virtues of non-violence taught by heroes like Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa, Aung San Suu Kyi, among others.

More abominable, however, is international apathy towards these kinds of situations. So it seems, anyway. It is precisely this that, more than makes me angry, overwhelms me with an inexpressible sorrow. I do not understand how some people can achieve so callous a heart that they are not moved. And this is not to say that Burma is the only one in desperation. There is also Darfur, Tibet, and blood diamonds in Sierra Leone, the Congo, and Namibia, as well as problems of human trafficking, modern day slavery, racism, and gender discrimination, among other tragedies. These are injustices not confined to the countries that suffer them, but issues that affect us the world over. They are international issues. How the fuck do people not understand that? Please email if you need explanation.

Anyhow, the months of September, October, and November was fraught with anxiety every time I heard about Burma. My heart would race. To add insult to injury, I couldn't find the godforsaken Burmese embassy on the day of protest. I wrote letters addressed to them, to no avail. I could've sent dirty underwear to them, too, but I needed them [2]. Knowing this was all I could do made me feel really pathetic. I had wished I was with the Burma Youth Project (BYP) people and US Campaign because they are much more knowledgeable on these matters, and could guide me to what, in my power, I could do.

Some hope remains, though. I just remembered that the new alternative break group to the Thai/Burma border, an awesome program of American University's to see firsthand what goes on inside Burma, are there this very second. I wonder what they are going through after the uprising. Also, BYP members are in India being the inspiring people that they are, spreading peace and doing research. Then, there have been hardcore sanctions. And at least an international awareness is a good thing.

So, this turned out to be a rant. Whoops. I had simply wanted to let you know how I've been doing and to wish you all a very merry [belated] christmas and happy new year. :) Burma has not been the only thing on my mind. There have been other things I have wanted to touch on, such as my interpretation of Christianity and identity, but I'll reserve that for another day, I think. My being in Japan has for the most part been really fun though for a few weeks in December I settled in a deep depression I hadn't felt for years.

This letter is too long. You have only to ask what these other things have been on my mind are. Don't have much time because I've been indulging in much needed creative outlets, but could you guys please tell me how you're doing and what you've been up to?

Happy Holidays!

love in everything,
jojo 情嬢

---
[1]http://www.burmanet.org/news/2007/10/01/daily-mail-burma-thousands-dead-in-massacre-of-the-monks-dumped-in-the-jungle/

[2]http://www.guardian.co.uk/burma/story/0,,2195188, 00.html

---
"God pity them that suffer with hunger and with cold--they to whom the world is but dull and leaden toil, whose pleasures are faded memories or unreal tales of things they know not. God pity them and pity us too, if we have no sympathy for them--if we are not willing to dedicate our lives to the lessening of their sorrow, and the uprooting of their poverty and to the broadening of life and living for all human souls. Amen." W.E.B. DuBois

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 08:18:59 GMT

I don't believe that love is the natural state of human beings. Love is a conscious perspective to live through, and an effort put forth on the individual's part. It's not so much a noun as it is a verb.

But can there exist a perfect love in any relationship? I don't think so, and not in my experience. It is impossible to sate each other's need for love because we will from time to time default to instinct desires and live as though we intended to hurt, consequently hurting others. That is the flaw of being human, and that is why we are not God, just the image of Him.

Assuming, of course, that love is a thing of value. At the moment, however, it has receded to the level of trivial.

I don't need it. To do such a thing again -- to 'love people' -- always comes and bites me in the ass. It's such bullshit, and I hate it.

Here I am, after the catharsis.

Whatever.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 10:53:55 GMT

It was a cycle: I used to break hearts as often and as regularly as my heart was broken. Not anymore, and I am happier this way. There is no use in gaining meaning by demeaning someone else. It is cowardly and dependent and a sign of one's own insecurity and weakness.

Tokyo, Japan. 1:13am. Driven wide awake by massive amounts of cappucino.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 10:57:22 GMT

I would just like to interject that a conversation with me is not an esoteric activity. It is simply a matter of shifting perspectives -- the changing of paradigms -- if only for a fleeting moment. This is, in my opinion, the way every linguistic exchange should be. And it should be going in both ways, not one.

I think, if someone has the capacity for compassion and is cognizant of the all the possibilities of the multiple cross-cutting forces that shape any human experience, it is not too hard to understand me. As well, it is also crucial to realize that the personality is multi-dimensional, constantly in flux, and is never solidly fixed -- so don't treat me as if I were the same person I was 5 years ago, or even half a year ago. Everything has changed, without contradiction, for better and for worse.

Answer this.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:53:27 GMT

I find it absurd that, in the precise moment I decide to be open, truthful, loving, and unmotivated by maliciousness, committed to promises of cultivating friendships rather than simply expecting them, to promises of NOT being driven by strategy, violence, and a toxic state-of-mind, I am betrayed by the very things that I finally had the courage to find and to welcome: love, of all sorts, in all forms, in everything. I had chosen to live by the law of love rather than mere survival, and by the gospel's message of peace and cooperation. Yet, (yet!) that opportunity was completely taken for granted by the very person I had placed a lot of hope.

WHY?

I need to move on. It is easy to live in the shadows of darkness and apathy, than to live vulnerably in love. Whoever said that first was a wise and experienced person.

Forward, I go, as hard as it is to bear a cross, given to you (or rather, me) by someone wreckless.

"God, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Yes, please!, by all means--since I don't know how.

Written: 2:06am. Tokyo, Japan. No one is alive tonight to hear my distresses.

my frame of mind, not in its usual place:

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:32:35 GMT

Tokyo, Japan. 3:30am. I sit here before my computer a broken human being.

I had never anticipated I'd ever feel like this again--destroyed, the spirit in pieces lying dead on the floor.

Someone, help me. Compassion is the key.

At the moment, I cannot be convinced that I am worth anything.

Fuck, I am hideous....

The most suppressed emotions are violently returning. Vengeful. Oppressive. Overwhelming.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Without my consent, I had transcended the apathy that both imprisoned and protected. I became open to relationships willing to love and be loved. Nothing of the romantic sort, this time.

Yet somehow I return to the familiar stillness of the night, robbed of something intangible, laying in bed the most lifeless individual, regretting I had ever allowed myself to become vulnerable in the first place.

I swear, my insides are literally rotting. "the veritable tempest of the brain."

I need that apathy again, for everything to remain static, until everything is all right.

So it goes...