ok i am so not good at keeping up on these entries, but when i do make an entry, they are so damn long....sorry

but yeah this whole week ahs been really really bad, and for some reason i just have not felt good at all, its as if i have been in a dream the whole time, like everything is not real, and i dont know why i feel this way?

saturday and sunday i was helping my aunt move into her new house, and so my weekend was sorta like family time, but it was ok, because i dont think i was gonna do, but yeah...

then on monday i returned to school, and i left after about 2 hours of being there becuz my tooth that had been bothering me all weekend was getting on my nerves and i couldnt take the pain ne more, so i went home and rested until i had to goto work, then when i get to work, people tell me that my boss wants to talk to me, becuz apperently the girl that worked the night be4 me messed the cash drawer up, and hes trying to say that i did it, but i really didnt pay any attention to it, becuz all the other times he has tried to blame me for soemthing, it has always back-fired in his face. anyway...

tuesday i came home early again becuz i made an appointment with my dentist so she could look at my tooth, well i went in for that, and she said that my wisdom tooth had to come out, so she recommended me to a oral surgen, so i called them and they wanted me to come in that day @ 2.30 to have it taken out, so i had to call my work, and i found that they hired a new receptionist and she is as dumb as shit! and i had to tell them i had to take off, well then i goto the place and i get prepped and stuff for the sergury and stuff, and then the dentist tells me that he wants to wait about 5-10 days for me to have it done, becuz he wants me to start some meds, well then as he is looking in my mouth he tells me that he wants to take out all four of my wisdom teeth, along with my tonsals!!!! so yeah this monday may 10th im having everything taken out!

 why do i feel like this? no one likes me for who i am, they all hate me, why cant i be accepted in this days society, even little fucking middle schoolers my cracks about my fucking orientation! i pretend as if i think that words dont hurt me, but it seems lately as if everything someone says makes me feel like shit, i dont think i can take things ne more, nothing can help me at this point, it hurts me so much, its as if my mind has stopped working...i really wonder what it would be like if i was truely gone, and i dont mean like i was in january, i mean like truely out of here?, would things be better for everyone? bcuz it seems as if i cant do anything right ne more, the only ppl that i think truely do care about me are the Riffens, linz, sarah, mari, and my 'everything' others just pretend as if they like to care, so they can be heard or w/e.

prom is tomorrow night, so that means everything is almost over, but really that means that things are just now begining.

i need to do soooo much, i still havent even paid my damn speeding ticket yet, i need to order the damn flowers, pick up my tux, pay for my.....

ahhh i need a break

ok yeah its been a while sence i have out an entry in here....

ok well lets see, thursday was just a so so day, nothing special went to the mall and did some shopping and what not....

but friday was the BEST!, i got out of school at about 10:30, waited for scott to pick me up, and that was around 10:45, we went to the mall so i could have makeup done to look good, then i bought a new shirt for the wedding, his moms wedding (scott)...after that we were all on our way to scotts dads house...scott, his bro steven, his g/f lisa, and me!

after we realized that stevens battery was allllll the way dead and there was no way to charge it, we left and went to scotts moms house from where we were gonna get some what ready for the wedding! i was sooooo nervous cuz it was the first time i was gonna meet his mom....his mommy just said hi!....lol, but yeah...after getting their make-up done it was time to head out for the wedding.

on the way there scott was freaking aunt mich out cuz of his fast driving...lol...he was only doing good cuz he didnt want his mommy being late to her own wedding.

we got to the place and omg! it was sooooo beautiful, its called Castle at Maryvalle which is in like timonium maryland...off of falls road....but yeah, we got there and went in and started getting ready, everyone looked all nice, finally the wedding began, and his mom looked sooooooooooooooooooo nice, omg....

thennnn, after that we all went inside the castle....yes the wedding was outside! after we went inside it was almost time to eat....well i found out that there was an open bar baby! and they dont card ya there! lol so yeah all of us under age ppl like uuhh steven lisa nd i got to drink!

i got to meet all of scotts aunts! they are soooo kool....mitch, she is sooo crazy, joan follows her, and donna i really didnt get to know cuz she was quite most of the time...but yeah, no body was dancing, so i made them put on the electirc slide to get the party going...and at this point i had 2 margaritas in my system a strawberry dacary and a couple of mudslides, so i was pretty much slammed so i really didnt knwo what i was doing on the dance floor, hahahahaha, i looked soooo crazy, but ppl all ngiht were like "damn boi you have soooo much enegery" cuz up until the last dance at about 11 i was still going...oh oh oh and it was sooooo funny cuz there were 2 other gay bois there besides scott and i, and they were getting jealous i think...i dunno, lol i was to drunk to even notice.

at about 9:30 scott and i made a dedication to scotts mom and his new step dad....a song, and im not to sure what i was saying, cuz yeah....well alcohol...lol....ugh, ok my wisdom teeth are realllllly hurting me

ugh i'll be back later

omg, this week sux soooo fucking much, both monday and tuesday i have worked, and work has just been bad becuz two of my co-workers that work in the feild that i do quit/got fired so there hasnt been ne one there to work dufing the day or on fridays, which really sux, and they expect me to come in during that DAY when im in school! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!

as if work isnt stressing me out enough, prom is may 8th which is like a hot 10 days away or something like that, i mean im not saying that i dont wanna go or ne thing, its just that its aloooooooot of work , and money, geez, and speaking of money i have to pay a fucking $75 speeding ticket cuz i was driving a red car, and they are also in a hurry to pull the person over in the red car

then scott, im sooooo worried about him!! he thinks that hes ugly just becuz he was out in the sun for a while this past saturday, and he got realllly bad sun burn, but he knows that hes not that bad, i dont know.....and then im worried about him becuz hes becoming allll stressed out about school/teaching/work...he thinks that hes not gonna be able to handle everything, but like i always tell him, hes the smartest boi i know and hes gonna make it no matter what and that im going to be here, i just dont want him to be stressed

my family is really, getting on my nerves cuz they dont want to trust me ne more just becuz i want to live my life the way i want to and not the way they want me to live it, and more to add about scott, he seems to be worrying about it, but i guess thats fine because im concernd about him too.

ok i have to go because my mom just keeps on running her fucking mouth to me and she just doesnt get it when i say that i fucking dont want to hear her voice....what is soooo wrong with me not wanting to talk to her?, why cant she get it! fucking bitch!!

I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY, I HATE MY LIFE

but i love the one special person in my life

ok so yeah.....adding to saturday mornings entry........

saturday was going good, i went out with my grandmother and did some yardwork, washed and waxed the truck, then got some checkers! <~~~~ best fastfood, lol well then after i ate, my baby came and got me, then we went to lisa and ale;s house to get ready and goto dinner at arundel mills, yes i know i just ate, but yeah i can eat alot...

well so yeah, i drove to the mall and stuff, we ate dinner, and tehn after that we walked around a lil, i bought some cute ass shit from H&M and then lisa her b/f and ale were going to meet linz and eryca at movico for a movie, but scott had to leave cuz he had a b-day party to goto and he had to supervise a frat party after that, so i went home with him so i could spend the night! see so the ngiht was going really well, well it was like 8:20 and he had to be at the dinner at 9:00 so he asked me to drive cuz i knwo how to drive, lol...no offence baby!

well yeah i spoke waaaaaay to soooooon......drving back i was going about 70mph and its only 55mph....well yeah to make it short....what happens?.....i get pulled over and get a ticket for 75 fucking dollars.....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ok yea sorry to cut this short, but like 100 ppl are IMing me!

this morning i woke up thinking everything would be ok....but what happened....everything was not ok.

yesterday i went to my therapy appointment like i always do about every other firday, things were going well, and it came to the point were he broke it down to the fact that i truely do only have about 5-6 people that i can turn to when i feel really upset/sad, and you know what the sad thing waS?....none of them were my family members that shows how much he thinks that my family actually cares for me, and he came to that conclusion from all the things i have been telling him. then after my meeting i mad plans to go hang out with friends, well that didnt get ne better, i know that you are my friend but, eh i dont know, you can be just a big as hiypocrite with just about everything

the most sad part of it all was that i didnt get to see the NUMBER 1 person i can turn to when im sad, and i guess i didnt think about them and got angry at it all, but finally we went home and things sorta got better? Linz, Mari and i went out to get some icecream, so i felt a lil better, after they left i just went to my room and layed on my bed, avoiding them, avoiding you. after about 30 minutes of just being sad and unhappy i fell asleep, but then was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing, andit was the person that makes me soooooo happy! but i just couldnt keep myself controlled and i just started crying sooooo much, being the sweetheart he is, he wanted to come and visit me, VISIT ME! at 2a.m. in the morning....i felt soooo special, but i couldnt stand him to hear me like that so i had to hang up.

then i woke up this morning and felt even worse, i just wanted to stay in the house and not do ne thing, and that all started when i called him and he told me that he had some dumb convention thing he had to do at UMCP alllllll day and then told me that he had to supervise some dumb ass party that his frat brothers are going to andhe has to make sure that they dont get into trouble and get kicked out of the frat, and so yeah, i just got even more upset, i am just such, i dunno, i am being really weird, and stuff, i dont knwo whats wrong with me, why cant someone tell me whats going on?....................................