They had my favourite sandwich today at Caffe Moderne. There's something about a strawberry turkey sandwich on croissant that makes me hope for a new and better tomorrow.

My cell phone is not here. Where is my cell phone? Why don't I have my cell phone?!

I might sleep at the zoo tomorrow, by the gorillas. I <3 GORILLAS.
They're probably the coolest thing this side of strawberry turkey sandwiches.


But that's it, really. I like these brief updates.

It's four in the morning on July 4th. I'm reading through Deathly Hollows for the second time and I'm missing summer. Harry and fireworks are the only things that give this summer even a semblance of summers gone by and it's weird that it's all I'll ever have from now on. Still, I'm enjoying the small taste of the old days; even in these small elements I can still grasp what it was to have a bit of that youthful freedom....

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Sometimes I wonder what my brain is doing up there, forgetting everything. I get something out of a drawer and then a few minutes later open the drawer again to get it, only to find I had already put it in my pocket. I wander off without my cell phone and my credit card constantly; my keys sit squarely on my desk and I forget them there, knowing full well I'll need them to drive my car. I know I need to put my dishes in the dishwasher, but I forget and put them in the sink instead and mom yells at me for being inconsiderate. I turn the wrong way down one way streets I've driven down millions of times. And heck, I've misplaced so many purses in my the 8 years that I've carried a purse that I've lost track. Even with lists my mind is always wandering, and unless it's big enough, I generally forget the list too. In Psych 101 they had us fill out a forgetting journal---it was mostly filled with how I forgot to fill it out---but the lists would go on for a good page when I did remember to fill it out. A pencil was needed in Quakers everyday. They required that you bring one. I always forgot and had to borrow someone else's. Birthdays. Names. Words. Where I parked my car. Where I took off my shoes. I will be trying to say something to someone, but find I've forgotten the words to use to say it. I still know what I want to say, but I can't seem to find the words, and then the I forget the whole idea I was trying to pass along and people stare at me in silence, just waiting. I hate that waiting because I knew whatever it was I had to say was probably important.
But this is stuff everyone forgets I guess.  But when does it stop? When does it become a problem? What can I do to make it better?

+++

A part of my memory lapse problem is when I let self block out other people until I forget about them and their feelings altogether. This worries me a lot more than forgetting my keys. I think only of myself, am horribly lazy and I'm afraid I won't love anyone but myself. It's a terrifying thought.

How ridiculously selfish is it of me to despise book characters when they find true love? I forget their happiness and think only of how I feel now, much preferring that they remain single and lonely just like me. And even real live people are no exception, as my friends have seen. They find quickly that I am not quite the supportive friend that I should be in their relationship and they tend to exclude me from it altogether because of that, which hurts most of all. I think only of myself, about how irritated I am that they find love and happiness while I remain in the dark and bitter, and I can't help but secretly hope that it comes crashing down at their feet.

Daniel was discussing with me the other day, (I say discussing, but really it was more like me crying stupidly in self-pity while he talked some sort of wisdom) anyway, he was saying how I need to ask people questions because it makes them feel good to know the answer. I can honestly say I've never considered that. All I ever thought about was how stupid it would make me look if I asked. And so I never did and now I'm in the habit of never asking unless I can blame someone other than myself for my ignorance. I can't be held accountable for not knowing such and such because so and so just never told me. And then I don't feel stupid asking a question. It was so much easier to mentally scoff at the kids who didn't know the answers and asked the teacher dumb questions that she had already explained twice than it was to be one of them and admit that I didn't understand. I chose foolishness, ignorance and confusion over the persuit of knowledge and humbleness.  And so in my selfishness, I've become socially awkward, intellectually weak and completely contradictory to my faith and moral standings on what is right and wrong.

Good Lord! How is it someone can write a paragraph with so many I's? Me me me me me me me me. It gets tiring! Selfless people amaze me because I'm not sure how they do it. It's not that I don't want to know what others are thinking, or don't care about the wellbeing of others, but I think only of myself and in doing so, promptly forget that conversations don't have to be only about what I think or what I know. I don't even realise I am being rude until later, of course, when someone points it out to me that perhaps I should have asked someone their opinion on something. Rudness is really not my intention and I'd love to be polite and civil, but people don't interrupt me. Please! If I ramble on about myself, cut me off! I'm being rude, so there's no reason for you to keep up a polite front! That's why I like (and essentially hate) forthright and opinionated people; they will tell me what they think out loud without being asked and it can be about them for a while. I need to marry someone who will cut me off and tell me to shut up, I think. And perhaps I won't change until I find someone to put before myself, or have a child or a dog or whatever, so I pray it won't be long (the "I" might wear off my keyboard if it is.)

Anyway. It's horribly late and this is just stupid self-absorbed ramblings of a very tired person.
Happy 4th, everybody...America is pretty beautiful, even when it is flooding, burning, gouging, selling, buying, consuming, eating and being (as a whole) rather silly.

I feel weird. My head is foggy and I feel distant and drowsy. I've never felt like this before until I got sick a couple weeks ago. It's so...odd. And the cough simply won't go away. I really don't want mono...I really really really don't want mono.

I was watching Monk today and the Captain was at an anger management class, and there was a large fellow who got up and talked first. I studied his sloppy dark hair and nasty little mustache and I thought he looked sooo familiar, and then it struck me---that was Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts! And I asked Laura (I was at her house) if she had watched Camp Anawana and she had no idea, so I looked on IMDB and sure enough, it was him! It was just so strange because that show hasn't been on since I was in 4th grade and I know I haven't seen it or him since...he didn't look that great, but it was awesome to see him again. I just watched Unwrapped with Marc Summers, so it was like a two person Old Nick reunion. Ah, for childhood.

Well, the monitor is feeling kind of far away, so I think I'm going to sleep.

So I'm between Real People Show obsessions at the moment.

Definitely over Star Trek, but still it's very much enjoyed on occasion *pats Dr. Bashir action figure*.

Fairly over Boston Legal (Season 3 and the fact that I started watching it while I was on the treadmill killed it for me v_v*)

Starting on The Office. (I don't know if it can be obsessed over...too close to life, you know?)
I could really get into House, except I hate blood 'n guts. But House is so...*drooool*

(Yes, yes, I have to have my dose of ideal Real People Shows between the cartoons. I think it actually adds to the insanity rather than keeping me moderately grounded. You should have seen me in my M*A*S*H phrase.... )

---

I think what I really miss is anime and the like. Last year when I had my wisdom teeth ripped out of my skull, Cartoon Network was having a Naruto weekend marathon and I watched that for like, 3 days straight because there's not a whole lot on that interests you when you're high on pain killers with bags of peas stuck to your face. It was a bit...irritating, but there are a couple episodes that I enjoyed.
Well, I started watching it again on Veoh yesterday just for kicks and while I liked a few episodes, it just wasn't quite as enthralling without the painkillers and peas. It kept drawing things out and Naruto kept getting the crap beat out of him and they wouldn't ever just go find effing Sasuke, so I stopped watching it. I hate filler episodes and drawn out fight/flash back episodes.

I miss Trigun and useless fluff like Fruits Basket and DNAngel. I found a surprising addiction in Samurai Champloo for a while, which was actually really well-animated and scripted, both dubbed and in Japanese. And I liked the weird little rap soundtrack. It was fresh.
But I mean, do you remember when Toonami (with cool un-buff Tom) used to show GOOD cartoons after school? You'd schedule your life around Sailor Moon, Ronin Warriors and Gundam Wing like it was the most important thing in the world. And Reboot, man! It got so great there at the end. I can't wait till the movie comes out.

Needless to say I was surprised to see Samurai Jack back in the Cartoon Network line-up. It was so refreshing to see its fierce zen animation again. However, it only made me miss proper cartoons even more. Genndy, I neeeed you! I can only take so much of My Gym Partner's a Monkey (actually one of the better ones, writing-wise; it's so dry and sarcastic.) And Atoms! I want Time Squad back! Billy and Mandy make my brain hurt. v_v

I just miss my stupid cartoon addictions. It's like a little tiny void that should always be filled, but isn't because TELEVISION IS STUPID.
*sniff*

I tell you what though, all this book reading is going to melt my brain.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: Hello, cliched introduction, my name is really long and silly. I'm just like all the other seagulls except I like to fly. But other seagulls are mere morons because they just like to sit around on the ground and fight and poop. blah thinly disguised allegory blah blah.

Seagull Flock: YOU LIKE FLY? WE LIKE FIGHT 'N POOP! YOU SHUD FIGHT 'N POOP NOT FLY!

Jon: I'm sorry, I'm the author and I'm too intellectually advanced to pay attention to plebs.

Seagull Flock: MORON SEAGULLS HATE DIFFERENT SEAGULLS WHO NO FIGHT 'N POOP. JoO Iz bAnNeD1!11! PWNED BY TEH MAN blah!

<insert five pages of blurry black and white photos of seagulls here>

Jon: Blah blah blah. They don't understand me. EMO. Raise myself above the morons blah. Technical crap about flying that is impossible to imagine unless you've studied the anatomy of seagulls blah.

*Does a triple barrel roll at a gazillion miles per hour*

Jon: Now I've learned all that I can know in this body! It's time to die and transcend into Seagull Heaven, where (much like Zombo.com) the impossible is possible! blah blah eastern spirituality mixed with vague hints of Christianity+angels but not really! blah.

<more grainy photos of seagulls doing nothing in particular>

Blah blah Transcend transcend more technical crap about flying from some shiny birds. It's great. Then he meets the Godpigeon. I mean...Seagull Yoda. The Elder Gull? . Whatever. Blah.

And Seagull Yoda then teaches him crap that sounds like this:

<cue trippy music>
Seagyloda: ...And you gotta free yourself from the Man, man. He's just bringing you down! And you gotta go beyond, man, beyond mental limitations, and like, use your MIND to free yourself from physical limitations, you know? If you think it, you will be it, you know what I'm saying, seagull-man?
----and other vague 1970's concepts about being free that are only applicable if you actually are, say, a seagull or on a lot of pot.
Which is all allegory. Obviously.

Jon: omgbbqdairyqueenlolz11!1one1!! I canz teleportz in my mind! *ZWOOP* I'm so awesome, but plebs should at least have a chance to be as awesome as me even though they won't. I should go teach them!