beyondgray's Xanga

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 20:56:35 GMT

so last thursday i chipped my teeth.. and once i figure out how to put a pic in here i could show you.

started my job at kwik trip so i am up to two jobs- there and target. should be fun cuz i'll pretty much be working all the time.

went to oshkosh and appleton with taine and ian- met ians gf and got some cds from best buy.

today i got my teeth capped and have to wait 8 weeks to have them finished. i have to get my sis a b-day present still cuz her b-day is in 3 days.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 04:27:03 GMT

so i've decided i made some real bad decisions this past weekend and i just want to shrivle up and disappear or to just move out seeing as i am 18. the one person i feel comfortable around and feel i can trust i can't see, at least for a long time. nothing would hurt me more than to not be able to talk and hang out with that one person. also more of the people i have redently met is this fucking town are not talking to me, but hey, i should be used to it by now. definately don't know what to do. i just am so angry-frustrated-hurt-stupid-FUCKED.

so what did i do, i bought some fake nails so i couldnt bite my real ones any more, hopefully. i work the next two days and also have finals. pretty sure i didnt do good on chem cuz the MOLE was a big part of it and the teacher def didnt even teach us how to use it and what not. LAW will probly be the only other one i'll have trouble with.

i finally applied to milwaukee but am having second thoughts and might apply to oshkosh as well. i just can't wait until i am out of high school. i hate everyone there and what it stands for. living on my own scares me but i honestly can't wait right now. maybe its a bad idea but i dont care so much. damnit, i am really negative again, i really thought things were going to be good again for a while, FUCK ME and my stupid thoughts and vulnerbility..

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 03:25:35 GMT

today was an alright day. i went to school for first hour and totally felt like i either wanted to puke or to faint so i went to the nurse and she said i didnt look good at all and had me call home. scott said i could come home but sounded sort of angry about it. i was scared to drive just cuz i felt so shitty. i got home and just went straight to bed. woke up when my mom got home, about 1-130, had some cereal, went back and just watched tv in bed.

i started to feel better so i came downstairs and decided that i was gunna order a sweatshirt from ae. then ate some chicken and went and got gas. joe gave me a call and he came over and we just chilled for a while. it was pretty cool, something about that kid... not quite sure what it is though..

college.. theres another fun topic, fuck applications

times they are a changing..

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 04:14:27 GMT

so i wish i could be happy, don't think that will be happening anytime soon though. i've basically fucked up the chances, for a while at least. some one definately was out to get me and it's all catching up right now...

all i want is to go back to like fucking i dont even know.. have i ever truly been "happy"?? is there such a thing?? i have my car and no job apparently seeing as im not on the fucking schedule any more and my bosses arent telling me shit - i must be fired or laid off or something, it would just be nice if i knew. college is a fun story too, i can't finish my app. cuz i dont know what to say. i want a day off from life.

people are so annoying to me right now. i still am not even sure if i have friends, two people told me that they are my friend, yay for me. but who am i kidding.. i seriously feel like shit and feel like i have no one i can completely trust cuz i always get fucked over in the end. maybe i should just move again, maybe a dif state, things probly wouldnt change even then seeing as i have lived in four towns and each town has just been shittier than the last. it would be fun to know what everyone thinks of me but are you going to tell me...??

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 13:09:21 GMT

definately at school..

so yesterday was taine's bday so i went to fdl and ate her cake and ice cream and then me her and ian headed to fazoli's for soda and breadsticks yummy.. and now i dont feel like doing this any more.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 05:02:30 GMT

nye equaled sex...

well, i didnt have sex but it was just that fantasMic!! things i remember:

1. dancing with my girl tanya (ps. only time i think i might have danced good??)

2. playing taxi cab with thor (sober stud)

3. the lion

4. making out

5. helping BIG RICKI

6. speaker sitting with tanya and _______

7. matt's midnight phone call

8. joe not letting me fall asleep so i caould make it to work

9. taking ryan's blazer and racing thor and joe

10. having done that all fucking x-mas break!

wow, i remember more than i thought i did, those are just some good highlights i had.. but tomorrow is taine's b-day cuz its officially another day

Friday, December 31, 2004

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 08:17:26 GMT

i've decided to write, shocking, yes i think so too.

so my b-day was dec 15, it sucked got called into work and was sick but i got my car (2000 hyundai - sonata). fri night matt p threw me a gathering and i met tim, matt s., kurt, amelia, sabrina, becky(?), and some other old buddies were there too. i was happy but i also had to be mommy. worked the next day.

nothing much between my b and x-mas..

x-mas i got an xbox cd's dvd's cash paints and starbucks. went to family, family came here. met ryan somewhere in that mess. man do i hate christmas..

the big sa-ga in my life right now is my boy situation.. dont think i want a relationship cuz i like one guy, total sweetheart, but he lives in b-town (1.5 hours away), and then the other guy that lives here, college boy. what a dilema right, yeah i know.. long story short -AHHH! i dont even care right now cuz i dont know what to care about, well maybe i just care too much. that must be it..

wait change that- this would be so much easier if i had FRIENDS. honestly i dont feel like i have any anymore. i just have people as i have said to matt s., he is so great and makes me feel good- i'm not used to that damnit! just seems like im here to be treated like shit. can you see how frusterated i am at all?? does anyone care at all? DOUBT IT. i can't handle my mind right now, its everywhere at once at the moment. i hate people so much, i dont i know an honest person. i try so hard to be nice but shit, it gets me no where, just broken "promises". shit i'm done, i am getting no where by typing this shit, no one will respond any way, i just want to not feel worthless...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 03:38:11 GMT

all she needs is some chloroform and she'll be fine...

so my cd came today- super stoked, flickerstick makes me cream a lil...

well i still feel like a blob of no-goodness and had to work what seemed to be 84.9 hours. it was so great to get out of work today even tho i only work 3.75 hours. so 35 hours till i get to pick up MY NEW CAR!! fuck yea biotch's!!

did i mention friday night i had my palm read and mike told me i have a desire to be loved, maybe a bit, and im artsy (we can pretend), and i have no energy, wow i aparently suck if kyiour hand tells the story of your life. but hey, we played rat's and i won while having a delicious cup of steam at w-squared, but yea think i forgot to mention that part.

well, i have no life. but... sat night will told cami he thought i was pretty awesome, makes me happy, not EVERYONE hates me. mike was kinda hott too, maybe i will ask cami for his number...

you're so beautiful, you're beautiful today : you're so beautiful in every single way..

Monday, December 13, 2004

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 03:13:58 GMT

so today i felt like shit and had to work from 1-8. well i woke up at about 12 and had a horribly sore throat so talking to ppl all day was oh so much fun. i am a winner!!! apparently for having so many retarded ppl come through my checkout lane and sign up for a credit card, i got a nifty bag. makes me feel special, maybe i will get to keep my job after all.

i had break with joel, finally. the packer game was on and it was halftime. i asked him if he wanted to do something, but he went to his "gf's"home. so i just got on here and now its time to go clean my room, what fun.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 06:39:40 GMT

so friday i signed for my new car - Hyundai Sonata - definately had an appointment to look at the Elantra's that they just got in, i get there and the bastard sold the one that i was interested in so yea. i kind of stold the car that i got from some ppl too, they test drove it and i decided that i was just going to buy it so i would have a car as they walked in the door.

friday night i went to the girls bball game, saw drew , i walked past him and he totally closed his eyes and refused to say anything as i walked past until i wasnt in range. and yea, he has a new girl already - fine by me i got a new guy!

went out to mikes after that and just chilled with linds cami mike will and jessie. twas fun.

today i took the ACT again, wonder what i'll get this time. i got a 22 the last time but thats cuz i fell asleep during the reading and didnt do the science part too closely, i probly didnt do much better today though cuz thats how my luck goes. after that was all done i came home and took a nap, in which all kinds of ppl decided to call me. ashley ended up coming over - we got some starbucks and rented a movie, totally had a girls night, minus the ice cream..

well i's tired..