Currently Listening Cool Relax By Jon B. see related

- Love Hurts

Not getting a whole lot done this summer

Yes, that dress is made of condoms.

Every year, I always promise myself that I will have a fun and fulfilling summer. Every year, I tell my friends, "Hey, we should go out and do ________ this summer!" Of course, most of that never works out. People work, people live far away and some people are too busy doing their own thing to give a shit about you.

This summer has been an improvement so far. I've been hitting up the bars in Harrisburg, going to Major League Baseball games and going to the movies. Every weekend I try to do something new.

But it's not like the type of summer I've always dreamed of, like frequently going to the beach for long periods of time and hitting up the honeys. Or working as a camp counselor and being outdoors all the time and working with fun, little kids.

I've been doing the same thing I have been for the past three summers, working for the Public Opinion newspaper in Chambersburg. Instead of saving up money like most people, I've been spending it trying to enjoy my summer. That will not help me when school starts back up again.

What I think I'm going to do is start taking life a little more seriously. I need to save up money and work my balls off, it's that simple. If I can save up enough money, that would allow me to pay for the basics and also do things like take fun trips to places I've never seen before.

Once again, I'm single (see last post). It's kind of crazy the shit that's been going on. On the same day that Sam and I broke up, I got calls from two girls saying they wanted to "hang out" and another girl called me to let me know that her friend thinks I'm hot.

Maybe it will be a fun summer after all. I would be having more fun if Sam was still with me, but that's OK, there's plenty of other girls who would love to have a shot at me.

Currently Listening Wonderwall By Oasis see related

- Wonderwall

A long time

I'm going to use the usual xanga lead here, "Wow, it's been so long since I've been on here, blah blah blah!"

I only go on here when I have nothing else better to do, and right now, I have nothing else better to do, I've already checked my facebook and my AIM and played Mario Tennis today.

Anyway, I'm still in Shippensburg for the third straight summer. I had a girlfriend for the first two months of summer, her name was sam, but we just broke up. She broke up with me because she sees me as her friend, not a boyfriend.

Most people say they won't date people that are their friends, but I disagree. The girl I end up with...I want her to be my best friend before she even becomes my girlfriend.

Random girls are nice, but I prefer to be in a relationship with somebody that knows who I am and knows what makes me laugh, knows what i love and what i despise.

Now, the toughest thing for me is going to try and be this girls friend after I gave my heart away to her. Any time I see her with another guy, it's going to break my heart more and more.

But, she means that much to me that I will put my issues aside and be the best friend that I can be and do whatever it takes to make her happy, because that's all I really want for her, for her to be happy.

All I ever wanted to do was make you happy...

I just didn't know it would be as easy as simply going our separate ways...

You know, I really used to like you a lot...

And admit it, for awhile, you thought I was hot...

But that was yesterday. And, now, it's today. Now, which direction do I go for tomorrow?

Shall I chase down all those whom I rejected yesterday...

Do I want to stay here, try to repair my life...

Or should I just crawl into my ride and drive far, far away...

You're talking to old and new people...

I am too, I won't lie...

What will you do when you see me...

What will I do when I see you...

Probably nothing for now...

Don't believe for a second that I believed you're the only girl I think I could've loved...

But don't believe for a second that I wouldn't have given my world to you if I was given the opportunity...

I'm just telling you, I hope you meant every word you said...

Because someday...maybe sooner...maybe later...you're gonna see the happiest girl in the world...sitting next to me...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was a drunken poem/rant about shit...not exactly sure what exactly I was trying to say, just kept typing...

To be honest with you, I think I've learned more about love from being by myself than I have from actually being with my past loves. But I guess when you have this much time between relationships, there's plenty of spare time to evaluate shit...

All anyone does on this website is reminisce/bitch about past relationships, so here I go...

The first time I was in love, it really could've lasted forever if I had just let it run its course, you know...I had a perfectly wonderful and loyal girl

A year passed and things started to get a little committed...and of course, being young and stupid, I got scared, I mean, really scared...

I don't know, everything seemed so perfect for being my first try around...it was unreal...so I got out, after a long delay...not because I didn't want to be with her...but rather because...because...

I don't really know why, I guess I just got selfish...just becoming overcome with my fears, of, well, whatever I was afraid of and not even paying any attention to her feelings...

If I could go back in time, I'd ask her to marry me on the spot...but you can't go back in time...

I chose a horrible way to break up and destroyed her for a long, long, probably unforgivable time...

I was single for a while and then met someone who I thought was the girl of my dreams, who made her first impression by making out with my best friend. One night, I accidentally called her while on the way to a friend's house and we talked for about 3 hours. Needless to say, I never went to my friends house that night. 

After hanging out with her family and dating for a few months, we eventually got together. And, man, was I in love. I was crazy in love. And I knew in that time, I fucked up in the past, and that I wasn't going to do the same thing again. It was too lonely on the outside to fuck it up again.

So I put all my eggs in one basket, and she did too.

We took daylong trips together. Made up pet names for each other. Hell, we even scrapbooked all our memories... 

Well, one day, she called me from four hours away to let me know that she was done with me.

I couldn't believe what she was telling me over the phone. I hid under the covers and probably skipped a week of class. I must've called her every day, either to get her voicemail or hear a different guy answering every night and telling me to fuck off.

I consider myself a pretty strong person, but I cried for weeks at a time, and watched my soul die a little more as each day passed.

I filled the hole in my heart with sex, drugs and alcohol and cigarrettes...

For awhile, everything was just a spinning blur and I just wanted it all to end.

It went like that, for, I don't know, like a whole summer, where I just lived in solitude, digging myself deeper and deeper in a hole...

It took a little while, but I found a good girl. We established a physical connection early, but I knew that I could see myself being with her. Just when things started to get real good, I got a phone call from the girl who just dumped me.

Of course, what I did was make the mistake of leaving her under the impression that I still loved her the exact same way that I did before.

Don't get me wrong, I still had feelings for her, even after all she put me through. But you can't get rid of somebody for no reason and then decide to call back months later and expect the same product you had before.

I never made an official decision, but I basically got back together with my ex. I tried to be as happy with her as I was before, but it just wasn't working out the same way. I still felt jaded from what she did to me and I also had feelings for somebody else at the same time.

I tried to make it work, I really did. But things just didn't feel the same, you know...that genuine feeling when two people still completely have each other's trust.

Again, I dragged the breakup on forever, but knew it was inevitable because I just knew that the other girl was the right choice for me.

Eventually my ex got tired of my games and constant argumentative behavior and broke up with me...again. She got engaged a few weeks later. But that didn't bother me, I was going to go after the girl I really wanted.

As soon as my pursuit began, it basically ended. She went away for the summer. And again, I was by myself for another cruel summer. I tried calling her, texting her and writing her. I was ready to let go, because we never really were anything but friends with benefits. But every once in a while, she'd call and let me know that she missed me. Almost like a tease. So I hung on to her. Something I probably shouldn't have done.

When she came back, for some reason, we weren't on the same level. I could tell right away, but I wanted to wait it out, be friends for awhile and see how she'd feel about me.

I understood the situation and I was cool whether she wanted to be just friends or maybe something more with me. After awhile, I accepted the fact that we'd probably just be friends. But she was sooo hard to read. Sooooooo hard to read.

One evening, she called me to tell me goodnight before I went to sleep and we ended up talking for a long time. Eventually, she opened up to me and told me that she could herself with me someday. Again, soooooooo hard to read. So I stuck it out for a long time, hoping and praying for just one kiss.

As it turns out, she wasn't interested in me like that anymore. I was hurt for awhile, but wasn't destroyed. I wasn't in love with her, but I definitely thought I could've been. I still think very highly of her, but barring a potentially overcomplex set of circumstances, I think we will just be friends. I took my time and invested it somewhere it shouldn't have been invested. In turn, I got what I deserved.

Lately, I've just been chilling. You know, hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

For the most part, it's been great and I've been happy with myself and the direction that I've been going in.

I know I'm still young, but if I'm alone for the rest of my life, I'm ready to accept that. It would probably be lonely as shit, but I've handled it for this long, whats another 40-50 years? I've had my chances and I blew them, simple as that, so the only person to blame is myself.

I wouldn't mind falling in love just one more time, but don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate or anything and I don't fall in love easily, I've been through waaayy too much to be that naive.

It's gonna have to be the perfect girl, one that I'd put everything on the line for.

Prolly not gonna happen, but that's cool, I've discovered that another person can enhance happiness, not necessarily create it.

The point of this whole thing is that you make yourself happy. You can't depend on somebody else to just come along and all of a sudden make  you happy, you've gotta do that yourself.

If you've find someone that makes your situation even better than it already was, congratulations. But if you're without a significant other, just relax and learn to be happy.

If you're meant to be with somebody, it'll happen eventually.

This is shady as shit, but I'm gonna pull one of those surveys off of some ones page. Stalkers enjoy!

 Looks

[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x ] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. (sorta  I highlight)
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/I've had braces.
[x] Wear glasses. (contacts)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.


Family/Home Life

[ x] I've sworn at my parents.

[ ] I've ran away from home.                                                                                                                                

[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[  ] I've had children.
[  ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[x] I'm in school.
[ x ] I have a job.
[x ] I've fallen asleep at work/school. (class at 9:30 a.m., you kidding me)
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[  ] I've stolen something from my job
[  ] I've been fired.
[ x] I've skipped school.

Embarrassment

[ x ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation. (I could see that happening tho)
[ x ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[  ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x  ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ x] I've had my pants rip in public

Health

[ x] I was born with a disease/impairment. (polack)
[ ] I've gotten stitches.
[ x ] I've broken a bone. (is a nose a bone?)
[  ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ x ] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.

[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[x  ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[ x] I've been on a plane.
[] I've been to Canada.
[  ] I've been to Mexico.
[  ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[  ] I've been to Japan. (next year???)
[  ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[  ] I've been to Europe.
[  ] I've been to Africa.
[ x ] I've been to Franklin County (Ok, so I added that question)

Experiences

[x ] I've gotten lost in my city. (when I moved from Perry County to the city of Shippensburg)
[x] I've seen a shooting star.                                                                                                                                    [ x ] I've wished on a shooting star.(yeah...but when's the last time your wish to a shooting star came true?)
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ x ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ x ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ x ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[  ] I've been to a casino.
[  ] I've been skydiving.                                                                                                                                           [x ]I've gone skinny dipping. (one time w/ a girl, hehe...umm...)
[x  ] I've played spin the bottle.
[  ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[  ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play. (Captain Crankcase in drama class production Zartan the Grapeman)
[x  ] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[  ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x ] I've ridden in a taxi.
[  ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[  ] I've eaten Sushi.
[  ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[  ] I'm engaged.
[  ] I'm married.
[ x  ] I've gone on a blind date.
[  ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper. (about even)
[ x ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[  ] I've gotten divorced
[ x ] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ x ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ x ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship. (what does this question mean? does it mean like stuff, life lessons or what?)

Sexuality

[x ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[ x ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime

[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ x ] I've snuck out of my house
[ x ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[  ] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I ran a red light
[x  ] I've been suspended from school.
[ x ] I've witnessed a crime.
[ x ] I've been in a fist fight.
[  ] I've been arrested.
[  ] I've shoplifted

Drugs/Alcohol

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ x ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ x ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ x ] I've smoked weed (back in the day)
[ x ]  I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[  ] I've eaten shrooms.
[  ] I've popped E.
[  ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[  ] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I've had cough drops when I'm not sick.
[  ] I can't swallow pills.
[ x ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[  ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[  ] I take anti-depressants.
[  ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[ x ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[  ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[  ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[ x ] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide

[  ] I'm afraid of dying. (not really, as long as its a fast death, not none of that Hostel shit)
[x] I hate funerals.
[ x ] I've seen someone dying.
[  ] I've held someone while they died
[  ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ x ] Someone close to me has committed suicide. (I can't say this for sure, nobody knows for sure what exactly happened and it gives me the chills to talk about it)
[  ] I've planned my own suicide.
[  ] I've attempted suicide.
[  ] I've written a eulogy for myself.
[  ] I've thought about committing suicide

Materialism

[ x  ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[  ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[  ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[  ] I own something from Hot Topic. (undies)
[  ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[  ] I collect comic books.
[ x ] I own something from The Gap.
[  ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ x ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Political/Social Attitudes

[  ] In general, I don't like people.
[  ] I'm a feminist.
[ x ] I'm outgoing.
[  ] I listen to political music.
[  ] I'm Democratic.
[  ] I'm Republican.
[  ] I'm liberal.
[ x] I'm religious. (go to church a couple of times a year, if i've got a gf, i usually go more)
[x] I dress fairly modestly.

Random

[ x ] I can sing well. (Is anybody old enough to remember Andy-grams)
[ x ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant. (yeah....one time I stole a tray from the CUB and BLASTED it into a million pieces with my knee, I didn't just steal a tray, i owned a tray)
[x ] I open up to others easily.
[ x ] I watch the news.
[ x ] I don't kill bugs. (unless they fuck with me, if they're dumb enough to try to roll, we'll roll)
[x  ] I curse regularly.
[  ] I sing in the shower.
[   ] I am a morning person.
[ x ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (My Humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely little lumps)
[ x ] I'm a snob about grammar. (yeah, tat's why all y'all offer me monay to write ur papes)
[ x ] I am a sports fanatic. (Whenever the Cubs are playing)
[  ] I twirl my hair.
[  ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ x ] I love being neat (used to, not sure what happened)
[   ] I love Spam
[  ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ x ] I bake well. (prize-winning pumpkin pie senior year)
[  ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[  ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. (trying too hard to be the koolest kid in skool)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x ] I eat fast food weekly. (more like daily)
[ x ] I believe in ghosts. (ever go to gettysburg)
[  ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ x ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[   ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x ] I am really ticklish.
[   ] I love white chocolate
[ x  ] I bite my nails.
[  x ] I play video games.
[  x ] I'm good at remembering faces.                                                                                                                         [ ] I'm good at remembering names (one time i met like three girls at the same time, all of whom shared the same first letter of their first name, i just thought of them as the "3 C's" and forgot what their names were)
[ x ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ x ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life (I have a few ideas, but really no idea, if you know what i mean                                                                                                                                                                       [x ] My answers are totally honest

This entry was brought to you to by the letter "drunk"

Umm...ok, so i had two 40s of miller lite and a shit load of yuengling, so i'm a little tipsy, but that's ok....and i'm still drinking as i type right now...so i apologize if i don't make any sense during my drunk ramblings.....

I'll be the first to admit i've made some mistakes in life.

I've thought I've had sure bets in the past, whether its in relationships, the professional world or life in general...

And there's also times when I've gotten rid of my sure bets because I've thought those sure bets I just mentioned would come through for me..

Well, I was wrong. And that's cool. I'm still alive and kicking and have plenty of time to make more decisions, bad or good.

Except this time, I'm not gonna mess it up. I swear I'm not going to. Promise, with a capital P.

A lot of things have gotten me down over the past couple years. Those of you who truly know me know that I've made a lot of bad decisions and have had some awfully bad luck. A bad combination indeed.

Things used to be great for me, and I'm sure they will be again. It's just gonna take a little work on my part.

I no longer have the naivete of a college freshman and I know what it takes to succeed, because believe me, I've been successful before.

I've made a lot of money before. I've had all the girls after me before. I've been really, truly happy before. I've had a lot of stuff.

But its the present right now, and I'm going to move up.

Mark my words.