Currently Listening Gundam Seed Destiny V.3 By Japanimation see related

- ŒN‚Í‚É‚É‚Ä‚¢‚é

HA ...... HA  That is what I say.  I don't write in this thing anymore, so I may just be talking to myself.  Doesn't matter to me because I'm just in an overall good mood.  There is no reason for it which makes it even better.  There are minor annoyances, but that is life.    Like this douchebag driver at work who loves to complain about every single last delivery he has to take.  It's funny now that I look back at it.  It was just annoying at the time.  I think the reason why I'm in such a good mood might be due to the fact that I know who I am, and I know what I am going to do for the rest of my life for sure.    How many people can say that about their lives?  I guess that sense of self is really nice, and I didn't realize that until now.  I really don't think there is anything that can bother me anymore except if I fail any classes this or next semester which will not happen by any means if I have something to say about it.  ŒN‚Í‚É‚É‚Ä‚¢‚éB  I think that is definitely something I can say about life.  If you can't figure it out, then learn some Japanese.  Ž„‚ÍŽ„‚Å‚·B  That is all I have to say about that.  Eventually I hope to confuse anyone who reads this by writing the whole thing in Japanese.  I could probably do most of this post in Japanese, but I would actually have to think a bit to do that.  It's way to late to do that.  However, I am well on my way to going to Japan.  I am saving up money rather well.  I just have to remember to be frugle while I'm there because I'm still going to need money to move to California.  I hope whoever reads this will be around for a going away party of sorts.  My parents are really worried that I won't be able to survive the cost of living in California.  HAHAHA  That makes me want to go even more just to show them that I can.  I think they just don't want me to leave.  I really can't blame them since my dad constantly needs my help with his school work.  (Yes my dad has quit his job and gone back to school )  I don't know how well he will do without me to tutor him, but who knows.  Also they won't have their babysitter anymore.  Honestly, it is not my responsibility to watch my little brothers.  My stepbrother doesn't help worth shit with anything.  I am kind of tired of always being the fall guy, but I won't have to deal with it anymore when I finally leave.  Man, I'm so excited.  It's like an adventure lies just on the horizon. 

Oh this is totally off subject, but I thought I should state something I think is funny.  I actually went to a bar about a month or so ago with James and John B.  What is funny is I don't drink, but I found out that I can handle my alcohol better than John.  I thought it was hilarious that the next morning when he was driving, he actually had to pull over and throw up.  HAHAHA  I was fine the next morning, and we both drank exactly the same amount.  Is that not funny?

Well this is boring me now, so I will take my leave. 

Well as most of you probably already know I'm 21 now.  Most people would be excited about it, but since I'm not an alcoholic, why should I be?  I mean all I did on my b-day was sit at home and play video games..... I mean how loserish is that.  (heh loserish.....i like made up words)  The only thing that was good about my 21st b-day was the fact that my car insurance went down considerably.  Well enough about b-day's.

I really don't know why, but today seemed different than usual.  I did not feel like myself.  What's funny though is that no one noticed.  I know exactly why that is, but it doesn't matter because that's my fault and I can't change that.  It's funny how one can smile, and no one notices a thing.  At work no one really talks to me except other drivers.  I really don't have any charisma or any redeeming qualities that would make someone really want to talk to me.  I don't understand how people can be the way they are though.  I mean we got this new manager who really is a dork.  I mean he's 26, not really all that good looking for a guy, working at a Pizza Hut, and says the most idiotic things.  However, everyone seems to like him and talk to him and he hasn't even been there that long.  I just don't understand how that works.  I know I'm really an introverted person, and no matter how hard I try, I will never become as extroverted as I would like to be.  I know it sounds selfish, but I would just like some attention ya know..........  I mean I would like to be the guy in the middle of a crowded room that everyone notices.  I know that could never happen though, because even the slightest showmanship from some other person would completely push me back into the shadows again.  Originally I thought that if I could be funny or entertaining, people would finally notice me and maybe even ask me to hang out with them.  However, that is not the case.  Is there like a certain mix to ascertain in order to become just the right person for people to notice?  I mean in freshman year of high school, I thought that being a fighter was the way to get myself noticed.  It did get me noticed, but for the wrong reasons.  Anyway I knew inside that was not who I was in the least.  I mean I have always cared about people since I was very small.  (Well most people anyway.)  Although I have a hard time showing that to people, I really do care about people.  I really would like to show it.  I used to be able to, but over the harsh years I have endured, it seems almost impossible to do such a thing now.  I mean I can't even show my little brother that I care about them.  I fear that I am turning into my father.  I mean he's much better than he was before, but he can't show his feelings to anyone unless it's an extreme circumstance.  When I am by myself though, I show all kinds of emotions that I once had.  I mean I shed tears of happiness or sorrow depending on the occasion.  I laugh and smile at the same time, and it isn't fake at all.  All this just from watching a television show.  Why can't I do this in the real world?!?!  I could probably answer part of my question with the cliche, "The world hardens us and tells us that it's wrong to show our true feelings", however that's doesn't seem to be the whole truth.  I just need someone.  Someone who I can trust with all my heart.  Someone I can talk to when I need to.  Someone that I can be there for when they need someone.  I know what this sounds like, but it's not what you think.  I am not desperate for a girl.  I just need a person.  A person who is willing to listen to me for a change.  I mean I have been listening to meaningless, pointless, and immature things from people for so long.  All of which could easily be solved, if they just thought about it for a little bit.  I am at an end though.  I have heard it all, and I have seen it all.  Does anyone even really have any idea who I am when they talk to me?  Somehow I doubt it.  I can tell.  I can also tell what people are like.  I know it will sound stupid to many people, but I can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them.  I am very good at this and have been since I was young.  I don't know why, but it just seems like I can see the essence of each and every person that I come in contact with.  You can believe it or not.  It really doesn't matter to me.  I am tired though because I have been sitting and rambling for quite awhile.  Most of this will have been for naught because I don't have enough friends or people that actually read this site.  It just feels a little better that I was able to do this though.  (It's funny how I can sound intelligent and stupid all in one entry, also how I transition so quickly into different things and not even realize it until the end.)  Well that's all......

Well, I figured I would just make a post anyway.  I mean it has been a long time, and right now I am so bored and ............. that I just feel like rambling.  Yeah, I prefer to leave that word out because if I type the word, I might dwell on it too much and that's not good.  I haven't been in a good mood lately anyway for awhile.  Right now all I do is work, and stay at home.  Morning that I don't work, stay at home to watch my little brothers.  I really don't mind that.  Actually their playful, cheery attitude helps me to be that way too.  I just feel really "fake" right now.  I mean I always have a cheery attitude around people lately, but that is really not the attitude that I have inside. 

I really haven't told anyone what my plans are for the next few years, so I guess I will say something.  Since my plan to get an apartment with James is a bust since he hasn't even said a word to me for a month now, I will be able to save up some major money for a trip that I am planning next summer.  I will be going to Japan next summer, and when I get back from there, I will be transferring to another college in California.  I will be studying, teaching English as a second language.  I hope to finish that within 4 or 5 years with at least a Master's.  Then I will probably be moving to Japan where I will work there as a teacher at a college or high school or something.  I hate to leave my family behind (both of them), but I feel like I need a fresh start somewhere.  It just feels like that I have to leave the country to really get that fresh start though.  I actually have a few penpals that I am talking to who support my decision.  That is one reason I plan on visiting Japan next summer, to kinda scout things out a bit. 

Well to those who don't know already I have been working at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver.  This particular area is really good for tips, so it is really nice.  I have also fixed my car to almost perfect working order.  The windshield, windshield wipers, air conditioner, a new stereo system, and other various things all work perfectly now.  Soon to be fixed.......my power steering, and my exhaust system.  Then everything on my car will be in perfect working order.  Well I am done now, so I will take my leave.

Peace out yo

(Sigh)  Well spring break is almost over.  It's not like I really needed it considering how ofter I go to class, but I guess it's nice to know that I'm not skipping for once.  I think this depression is a big reason why I skip class so much.  At least I get by though.  I'm starting to get a little more motivated with class, but I still need more.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about myself as a person.  I wonder why even when I'm with friends, I feel like I still don't belong.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere and it really bothers me.  I feel like I should just pack up and start a new life in another country.  Actually I'm planning a visit for next summer.  I'm planning on going to Japan.  I am finding pen pals even as I write this so I have someone that I can hang out with when I go there.  I actually plan on going there alone.  I feel that it will be better that way.  Well I guess I'll be going now.