I'm one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet...& that is the reason I'm not truly happy. You can't get any true happiness while your only thinking of yourself & even when I'm being "compassionate" a lot of the time it's usually just my ego masking it's own self-interest under the facade of "friendliness". I've become a much better person lately that is for sure, but the truth is I don't know the meaning of the word compassion yet. Most of the friendly things I've done in my life haven't been out of compassion but rather out of being afraid that I won't appear "nice" which for some reason bothers me. & I'm not saying this out of guilt.  I don't feel guilty at all. I feel sorry for myself in fact because I don't know what genuine compassion is. I don't really know what genuine happiness is. All of my "happiness" has been manufactured out of acquiring my own self-interest.

Is there anything harder than trying to break free of your egotism and greed?

The fact is I need to be shocked. Seriously shocked. Shock is the only thing that causes you to break free fully from the past and transform your consciousness. My ego needs to be torn apart somehow so that there's so much shame and guilt in me that I can't bring myself to think about myself at all. Because whenever I think about myself in truth I just become possessed with greed and fear that I won't achieve my goals & what I want. In fact I'm often paranoid with fear that something will prevent me from achieving all of those dreams I so idolatrously covet.

I'm thinking of perhaps forcing myself to do something for someone, someone I don't even know. Something that isn't self-interested that will make me feel better about myself. I mean everything in reality is self-interest. But there's a distinction between good & bad self-interest. Good self-interest I would think is to do something for someone you don't know without any reward. If you do something for someone you love it's still a good thing, but it's easier to do because it's like a good business investment. Or I could even help my father. I mean really help him one day. Thats something I never do. I've done it maybe a little a few times but only after kicking and screaming. I could also help my sister or my grandmother. I used 2 help my sister Theresa with her kids. I should do that. I've been the most atrocious uncle since I became a teenager. I haven't paid attention to them at all.

Despite my best efforts & all the best "psychological skills" I've learned from my studies I haven't been able to maintain my enthusiasm for my school work, friends, bartending, or krav maga, weightlifting, song writing or any of the other things I'm interested in & I think the best explanation for why is because of my greed. I don't think it's possible to be happy being as greedy and self-obsessed as I am. Hell is simply a metaphor for being stuck on yourself. I have to change. I need to find some way in which I can cut myself from my egotism permanently.

So I was determined to start Krav Maga this week, but then I learned how rigorous and physically impossible the workout is from jackie...she somehow forgot to mention that until now...namely b.c. she wanted me to get my ass kicked so she could get bloody revenge for all the teasing i've done to her over the years....

Hence, I bought a Krav Maga book so I can study the crux of the tecniques and perhaps gain a cursory knowledge of how it all works. I'm also going to go to the classes so I can make a list of the excercises and practice them so I can be thouroughly prepared physically rather than completely overwhlemed.  

Also, me, alex, John, & whoever else might start a sci-fi fantasy club at WCC, it would be awesome especially considering I have that huge class gap on wendesdays that needs to be filled. It will be a cool way to meet other comic book geeks such as myself.

I'm so pathetic....this is the comment I left on Lisa Marie Varon AKA the ever so lovely WWE Diva Victoria's my space account LOL.  

Dear Lady Varon,
First of all I just wanted to say that you are undoubtedly the greatest woman’s champion ever to grace the squared circle. You are the perfect blend of athletic prowess, technical expertise, & aesthetic beauty,. The Widow’s Peak compliments you well in that it is an efficient killing machine and a consummate weapon of your lethal and exemplary arsenal. You and Trish status’s epic rivalry brought a significance that has been long bereft of the woman’s championship. I once had the privilege of meeting you in a long island mall 3 years ago. Of all the wrestlers I’ve met {& there have been a lot}, your humble cordiality and warming smile were most resonant.

In conclusion {as though it’s not painfully obvious already} I basically perceive you as a Goddess and worship the ground you walk on….

With Trish absent, you are the only total package left in the flagging woman’s division. Looks, in exeptional in-ring skills, power, mike skills, awesome character, What more could they possibly ask for??!!
& despite the risk of being redundant…I agree with my fellow Victorian acolytes that you DO deserve to be WWE Woman’s Champion!!!!! It is an unmitigated fallacy that you are not, it has me seething with indignation!…………………….

PS…..Will you marry you?
LOL hey I had to try even though my efforts will surely be futile, you only live once right?

Sincerely,
Your faithful disciple, humble fan, and hopeful suitor,
Joe