Currently Reading Deception Point By Dan Brown see related

so...two posts this close together..you gotta know somethings wrong....my life is FUCKED...there is nothing permanent or sure in my life.  I don't have money, and neither do my parents..NONE...and it's not fair...I can't just go get a new pair of shoes, or go out to eat with my friends, or buy a CD that I really want, because I don't have the money for it.  I know that sounds selfish and maybe like I'm bitching, but it's true...I have never had it like everyone else.  I know..."Donald<just think of everyone else who has it so much worse than you do>" FUCK THAT...i've never had it good....I mean...the only way I'm here at school is because I'm paying for it...and I"m not blaming any of this on my mom...it's not her fault..I mean everyone makes mistakes...but it just isn't fair...If I could, I would kill my dad.  this is all his fault..and again...i know..."Donald, that is not right for you to say!" FUCK THAT...my dad has done so many wrong things in my life, that I don't even think I can remember the last time he has done something right.  this is my life, I'm living it, and I can feel how I want to...no one else experiences what I do...so don't try to understand..because you don't.  I know that this is probably coming off as very angry....and i'm sorry for that...but I've never complained about what I really want to..and so here I am...I just want to get it out...I HATE my dad...he has screwed up not only his life...but all of his families lives and it's not FUCKING FAIR! I know everything happens for a reason...but it's not fair! and I'm allowed to think that...I hate that I get so attached to people because I'm emotionally unstable sometimes...but I can't help it.  I feel like I try to be there for everyone and make them understand that they are loved...and again...I get fucked...I feel taken advantage of...and I'm sick of it...I just want things to be perfect...I know it's a long shot, and no one has it perfect...but why is it fair that people have it so much better off than I do?  I'm a good person...I do things for other people...I try to live the best life I can...I always make mistakes, but I learn from them, and I don't do it again. 

Also, I don't understand why I'm not good enough to have a relationship.  I know I'm young and I have a lot of life to live still...but GD, I haven't had one meaningful relationship...I ALWAYS get fucked over...I always put more into it than I should and come out short.  Am I destined to be unhappy? Because if that's the case, then I want to know now so I can prepare...I can't deal with a lifetime full of that shit.  FUCK THAT...

so if you're asking what my post is really about...just look back and look at the capitalized phrases...FUCK THAT...I'm not dealing with it anymore...I'm cutting back on my input unless I love you and you deserve to be treated as well as I treat people...I have a lot of love to give...but in the past I have been too giving...it's like im a water hose with one of those special heads..the ones that have different settings...and in the past my love has been the "shower" setting...but I think now I need to be more towards the "jet"  setting...concentrate more on directness than "sharing"...I know that's mean too..but I'm just sick of stupid people...that's all

Currently Listening Tick, Tick... Boom! (2001 Original Off-Broadway Cast) see related

Heave ho! So once again, I apologize to all you avid xanga fans out there...who don't have the decency to contact me normally, only through this online journal.  I do it for muh hood *

So school is going REALLY well this semester, I am going to be very happy with my GPA at the end of this semester. I have been working my butt off, so hopefully it pays off.  Still nothing in the love department, but I think it's a good thing.  I don't really need something taking up all my time.  (I love how i just referred to a relationship with a boy as "something" and not "someone")  However, I am currently feeling pretty lonely, only because I miss that feeling..you know the one I'm talking about.  I love my friends though, and I'm getting along with people a lot better this semester...there are some people that really made me get too low last semester...I'm movin on! *thanks Chicago*

My mom got a new house, and it's GORGEOUS! I love it, and I'm so happy for her..she desereves it. 

So here comes the bad....I don't know if I'm gonna be able to go to Ball State next year.  We don't have any money, but I'm trying to work it out so I can come here...because Lord knows I need to be here.  So just pray for me...that I get this figured out so I can be here with everyone next year. 

That's about all I got for now...call me..seriously..I would love to hear from everyone :)

~Donaldo

So lately I've been feeling really down, and it sucks.  I know my last entry was kind of depressing, and I hate to be that way.  But lately it just seems like the bad shitty stuff in my life always out-weighs the good. I'm gonna put a note that was written to me earlier this year in here that I have to look at to cheer myself up, because it helps every now and then...

Donald, This note, sir, is to be put up on your bulletin board in your room.  These past two, three weeks could have been very hard for me...but they weren't.  Because of you, I haven't had to worry about eating meals by myself.  Because of you, I have grown more confident in myself and my appearance.  Because of you, I feel loved and accepted everyday.  Because of you, I have met some amazing people.  Hopefully, those examples (which are just some of many) help you understand how much you mean to me.  My only regret is that we hadn't gotten close until now.  The "About Me" form on my door says that you are my hero...and you are.  The way you carry yourself, the way you interact with others, the way you don't change yourself or your ideas for anyone else amazes and astonishes me.  I envy those qualities.  Thank you for allowing me to open up to you when I need it, and thanks for opening up to me.  Thank you for going way out of your way to walk me back to my dorm.  Thank you for just being there.  I have never met someone I was so similar to (sleep the same, bananas=gross, boys=hot).  Donald I am honored and priviledged to know you and call you one of my best friends.  If you ever need anything, I will always be here for you...always.  You deserve the world and I hope you get it.  I love you.  -Cassie Fitch

So that cheers me up a lot when I re-read it.  Maybe all the schoolwork this semester is just bringing me down or something.  I need something very good, very meaningful, very constant in my life.  Sometimes I just feel lost....................

Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

Alright, I'm finally into the groove of this new semester...*i think*...Last semester I got a little carried away and lost sight of what I really wanted.  To succeed :) I don't know how I let myself get so out of place last semester, geesh, I was scary.  This semester I'm going to learn how to have fun, but to make sure I do it at the appropriate time. 

So there are some things going on in my life that I don't really talk to anyone about, like AT ALL, and i know I should talk about them, but I guess it's easier for me to just push it aside and act like everything is ok.  I don't know if I'm being selfish, but is bad for me to want attention?  Sometimes I feel like I listen to everything that is going on with everyone, I laugh at other people and call people to make sure that things are in order, and then when it comes down to it, I get the shaft.  Maybe I just try too hard.  That must be it, because I feel like I get dicked over ALL the time, and I guess I can't really blame anyone but myself, for maybe having too much faith in other people?  Oh well, done with the pity party.

As for other aspects of my life, I'm working at Bath and Body Works still, and GOD I love it!  My manager is the coolest lady ever!  Her name is Jamie and she's a dancer(no not a stripper) and she's from Wisconsin and i LOVE her accent!...as she would say...dude you freaking rack...aka you freaking rOck...haha....but ya, that is going stupendously. 

This past weekend was probably one of the most fun weekends I've had yet at good ol Ball State.  here is a picture that sums up my weekend for ya

So as you can tell, it was pretty much a blur....but a fun one! Thanks to everyone for making it a good weekend.  I'll try to update more frequently from now on, now that I have more time to myself this semester

 Good luck this semester to everyone and hope everyone is doing well!!