Name:ashleigh anne Metro:Omaha Birthday:6/15/1987 Gender:Female
Interests:--a worker of Christ--i <3 the 80's (vh1)---shane & shane--- caribou coffee---design--photography--religion-- becoming a better person--my amazing family--indie music Expertise:--skinny vanilla chais--lyric knowledge--friendships-- the art of yogurt pouring--making others laugh including oneself---leadership--listening--observing Occupation:Student Industry:Art
i wish to be blatently honest here. - i don't have to show you my face. sad irish eyes. i guess i have a sort of shield over me by laying it all out here. -
i just got off the phone one of the three people i can actually just do this with face to face, or rather cord to cord and not feel like a art piece on display for all to just gawk at in disgust. - admitting how lonely i actually feel. it makes me feel so vulnerable but i can no longer just say its totally cool and that i feel fine because infact, i feel so hollow.
there is my relationship with Christ. who gives me so much; but i have no idea how to fill that void of human contact. not just love from him. i can honestly say to you i feel like i have no friends. the last two weekends i have stayed home. while people go out for fancy dinners, basketball games and to the occasional drunken festivity (which quite frankly, i grew sick of doing. & that is not how i plan to live my life, because it is indeed worthless). even moreso then my duo weekend at home. -- megan helped. but reassurance is not enough. being remdinded of my great year so far, rekindling my fathers relationship, my sisters soon-to-be marriage, drum major, homecoming queen, the appreciation of hearty laughs after my jokes, all-state choir, great grades thus far, a new car.......... yet, it still feels as if something is missing. infact, it is. i have not accomplished what it is however.
dammnit.
feeling like the offbrand of girls my age. - maybe because i don't conform to miniskirts, skinny waistlines, and the naive journey of sex at such a young age. - that is enough to make one feel like they are useless. i do not judge. however i do respect myself in such a huge matter; by learning through the grace of my mother and my sisters mistakes throughout her highschool and early college years. - i will not submit myself to that by any means.
i ultimately realize i will never come to terms within these few meandering paragraphs yet, in some giant globe of a way, it will help. perhaps that is my calling. to write. or teach. counsel?
photograph?
fuck, i have no clue. i hit a sturdy brick wall there my friends. how is one suppose to choose their future's path in the stint of one year? pan it out, here it is, now give us your money. i pray so much that i make the right choices upon this weary decision which i must face here pretty soon. - & yes, i realize i may change my mind throughout yet, i am so driven to succeed i want no room for failure.
---- and therefore, i have to lie to myself. because failure is the only way to succeed. & what is success?
a big bulky house? lots of children? a loving husband?
one out of the millions of suburbans to eat up our environment? a garden? big brown dogs to slobber all over you? money stored away in a bank? security?
---- we have no clue what success is.
Heaven? _________________________________________ seeing as it is 11:40ish my mind just finds itself wandering onto this very page. (along with your set of pretty eyes.)
________ however one day it will be time to face the truth. my life. as it stands. i am an optimistic person. (if you have no clue as to me or my life.... see a friend of mine. or me. we'llshare the story.) i look for light in dark places. i procrastinate waaay too much. never get enough sleep . complain of never getting enough sleep. and strive for a greater purpose but ask myself how to accomplish it without any money what-so-ever. ===================================================== seriously if you have any words of understanding, concern or just genuine wonder i need them. i cannot even make myself clear here, perhaps i could just with you though.
vent session show choir pisses me the hell off right now. ribar gives us these preachy lessons on 'valueing his time' and 'valueing our practice time' .
alright: when i signed up for this it was understood practices were mon/wed/thurs. with a few sat. rehearsals. but this....... is freaking ridiculous. -every day? until dec. 22nd? - its understandable the push for practice because we have a christmas show to prepare and our swing show to work on but everyday and running over our hour and ten minutes ....going into homeroom time where half of us have to talk to teachers, grab a shitty bfast out of the vending machines, whipe some of the freaking sweat off of our foreheads and catch our breath for two minutes has been subdued to nothing at all. - i really value my time where i can relax ........... and many of you can relate to this because half of our lives are spent on turbo speed.
---haha it was so great today ; kate, kara, jessica and i were in the hall talking after homeroom and i made sure he heard me in his office, i see him just lean over to see us. really loud, i just stated how i have no time anymore and how he pisses me off b/c i work my ass off for him and it feels he does not appreciate any of our hardwork. - and quite frankly he spends more time telling all of us we suck, rather then the people who just need to have it said to them individually. - i bring music home and work every night. i work on dance steps and quite frankly, so do a lot of other members who truely want to succeed.
during practice i put forth my greatest effort. -and that jerkface takes advantage of it. - so thank you jerkface for all of MY hardwork. ________________________________________________________________________________ tomorrow morning shall be splendor sho'e'nuf.
and i believe this calls for christmas break like mad. all i want is to celebrate baby Jesus' birth, spend time with my family, work at the job i love and hanging out with people that i actually like.
whoa dude. 6 months left? this is completely mind shattering. seems as though so much has happened even since my last post.
all-state music, which was a a complete blast. hands down. (our director was great, turning off random tvs with our remotes, riding the elevators for a good 1/2 hour, and meeting some great new faces. its like another step. ---- seeing an old friend who i had thought had forgotten his treefort friends . really hit me on how much we've all changed....and how much i truely do say that.
owen,you are a beautiful person.
seeing sean, matt, harvey and those guys at one act. (realizing how much i miss them.)
hanging out with anna and jocelyn at lunch today.
He has made this so beautiful. why? i do not deserve this.
& now i think i might be leaving. for, i really want to go to colorado.
