| Posting Calendar |
|---|
|
|
| |<< oldest | newest >>| |
| view all weblog archives |
Sunday, January 16, 2005
| ya...well...im really bored....and that last entry is really pissing me
off...Jeromy is being a bitch...and he doesnt know what he wants...(why
else would he leave the only girl that loves him...so he can go around looking for something else...)like a cheap ticket...(aka...Jesse,shandice,etc.)...or maybe he can be just like my mother and find a lover over the net...(wow...pathetic)...i really hope hes happy...because im not...(and im sure his freinds are feeling very proud of themselves for making that possible...)...(aka Justin,Zack,Shandice,Jesse,MIKE!!!)...(mike is probably the absolute worst by what i heard....) he actually started a rumor....(your gonna think this is so funny)...that...i got' KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE.'...because i am a 'LESBIAN'...now where the FUCK did he get all this shit from!!!??? I dont understand why i thought he was the nice one...because it looks to me like he the most fucked up bitch in all the groups...( i mean why would you make up rumors like that...i have proof...im livivng in the same old place AND not to mention i am into GUYS ONLY!!!)...okay!? guys!dudes!men!males!!! OKAY?!!!? ...but neways...(getting off the subject)...(because im gettting EXTREMELY pissed off talking about it..) i had a horrible day yesterday...until i called chawnee and she made me feel better ( i luv u chawnee)...but neways...other than that i had a horrible day yesterday..(but we were thinking sbout calling Jeromy on his cell phone (three way) and then having me say 'Happy anniversary your being a bitch!!!' but i decided not to cuz he would get seriously pissed off at me...( and with him hating me already)...ya ...that wouldnt end so pretty.....but neways i think ive written enough so im going to cut off in mid-conversation... and .... buh bye...(i just might call AJ today...i havent seen hi in awhile and hes still going out w/ashley)...TWO YEARS...thats just so cute...(thanx to me being a stupid little fuck up i didnt even get to ONE year...) *bad Jessica -honiy ♥ | |
Saturday, January 15, 2005
| hey... ya....today really really sux....its the 15th of january of course...(heartache and tears all day long...)...thanx to the one person i 'thought' loved me...but neways...i do walk alone..so...ya....this really really sux....i feel the same today as ne other day though...(except worse of course)...because its our 1-year-anniversary-that-never-existed-thanx-to-a-stupid-pointless-breakup and its also the worst day of my bottomless-pit-of-a-life... and i want to fucking DIE!!!! but of course his freinds would like that to much so i guess ill pass...(even though its one of the only ways ill be happy again...) unless of course Jeromy wanted me back (but thats never going to happen)...and so for happiness...death is probably my best bet!!!... but w/e i dont want to do nething stupid ....well ...maybe i do....but ....wouldnt want ne1 to know that now would i!!!! just because jeromys decided to shut me out doesnt mean i dont have ne1 ....right?....wait...thats right..(besides chawnee)..I DONT HAVE NE1!!!! well...thanx alot for that (jeromy,zack,justin,mike,shandice,jesse,etc.) and im sorry that i still love you jeromy because im sure you would never want that....but thats my fault neways...right....cuz thats what your making it seem like...but i wouldnt know...YOUR NOT EVEN TALKING TO ME!!!!!!!! YOUR DOING THE SAME DAMN THING YOU PROBABLY DID TO KAITLYN!!!!OR THATS WHAT I HEARD WHEN I FIRST MET YOU!!! you werent talking to her and now your not talking to me...but even if im wrongi know one thing thats trueour relationship was different than that one ...because kaitlyn didnt care for you as much....she didnt love you as much...and you werent her last FUCKING hope... but who cares....because chances are...your not even reading this...and even if you were...you wouldnt give a shit ...but how would i know... as far as im concerned...im already dead... and the only person i have left to confide in is the person i hate the most...ME!!!!!so have fun finding a new girlfreind and remember to rub it in because i know you want to (and even if you dont...im sure your freinds would be happy enuf to do it for you)...so...thanx for shutting me out...too bad im still holding the door open for you...and you probably wont walk through it... ...and yet i still love you...so...i hope your happy...have a nice life...heres to our 1-year-anniversary-that-never-existed...and heres to me giving up... once again. -Jessica ♥ | |
Friday, January 14, 2005
| hey... i havent been on for awhile ...but thats because i havent been on the computer for awhile...so...ya... but n e ways....tommorows gonna be the worst day of my entire life...(its the 15th of January)...when me and Jeromy started going out ...our '1 year anniversary' that doesnt exist nemore...we ended more than a month ago and he STILL wont talk to me...go figure...i dont understand it still!!!! but now that i think of it...when i first met Jeromy...there was this little girl in his circle that came up to us while we were talking and said ' why wont you talk to your gisrlfreind'...i hope this isnt the same...i hope im wrong about what im thinking he might be doing ...(wich would be the same thing he did to kaylyn...or w/e her name was)...but from what i understand...me and katlyn are two very different ppl...and our relationshis were different to... because obviously she didnt love him as much as i do...but either way...he broke up with me so theres not so much i can do...and he still wont talk to me....wow.... but w/e....tommorows just gonna have to be another deppressing stay-in the-house- kinda day...and im gonna be a hateful bitch...but oh well...my parents are gonna be out...(probably)...and brittany isnt gonna be here either...and so im gonna be pretty much all alone...i hate being alone...especially scince the 8th of dec.(the official breakup)...but either wa...im alone all the time now...i just cant stand being around ppl when i know half the time whats going through their head...and thats usually (at home)...poor Jessica...i dont know what to say to her...(gggggrrrrrrr).... i dont like it when ppl feel sorry for me...and me (being so sensitive)...whenever they say the wrong thing to me...i flip out...( like for example 'get over him ...he was an ass' or the ever so popular ' theres other fish in the sea...'...) I HATE THAT!!!! i dont want to get over him or move on...i want to just stick in the same place while everyone else passes me by...i dont want anymore broken relationships....especially scince im still in love with Jeromy...but w/e im just givin up on all the love shit...so how was your week...mine sucked ass...i felt like shit and ppl treated me like shit...mike (anisete)...went around telling everyone that i got kicked out of my house for being a lesbian...wheret the hell does he come up with this shit...) he definatley uses his imagination...( i wonder what hell do next...never mind i dont want to know)...i know enough...i know he wants my life to be a living hell but unfortunatley it is...so he got what he asked for...and then of course i cant forget zack!!! he starts shit to...hes a fuckin lyer...ever scince he found that note thing in my rm chawnee gave me...hes been acting wired and telling me al this shit...(im sure hes doing the same to jeromy too...) that pathrtic loser tried to convince me that jeromy was gay!!! JEROMY IS THE STRAIGHTEST GUY IVE EVER FUCKIN MET!!!!!!! its hilarious!!!!!!! i really do not know what the fuck is wrong with Jeromys 'so called' freinds...of course i cant talk...it seems ike my freinds are trying their hardest to keep us apart too...well actually...only a few are...( one even told me that Jeromy has been cheating on me for 6 months)...were not freinds nemore though...because she did some other bullshit too...( and dont get me STARTED with what jessie did!!!!!) well i g2g...life kinda sux right now...just make sure i dont post tommorow...ill try and restrain myself... -honiy ♥ | |
Sunday, January 02, 2005
| hey... i had the worst dream in history last night...first me and jeromy were still not speaking to eachother and then things got out of hand and we both became really deppresse and then later on after its been a really long time scince wed heard the others voice...it starts to drive me insane and so i try to look for him so that i can apologize for being such a dumbass and then so i go to his house and it isnt the same it looks more like a cemetary then a house and then so i look around and i found chawnee and shes crying and then i ask her what wrong and she points to one of the gravestones and it has his name on it...and then underneath his name it says 'you waited too long'...♥ and then s o of course things get worse and then i go into where the backyard was and it is now a ledge...and so i throw myself off and then my favorite song starts to play ( my immortal -evanescence ) and im singing it and im in the music video and everything...and its really wierd...and then after the music stops...the rest of the dream...al im doing is walking around whispering words of discouragement and failure because apperantly i lost all i ever wante and now im dead and it definatley wasnt what i had expected it to be ( not many people picture themselves dying and being trapt in an evanescence msic video... ) and so i woke up and i was a little freaked about it...(it was one of those dreams that feel so so real )...and then so im lying in my bed crying for about a half hour ....not very long...its not that early nemore and so i didnt want ne1 coming in to check up on me and then me have to spill my heart out about a dream of death and lost love and hatred....(i dont even know where the fuck the dream came from )....i have alot of crazy dreams ...and ever scince two weeks into me and Jeromys relationship....all my dreams have to do with love...good and bad...the dreams i had in cali were all the same....i would wake up in a dark room and then i would listen to all the people talking around me although i couldnt see them...and then after so much time passed i would die and that would be the end of the dream...i hate my dreams...especially afterwhat i did to Jeromy....it just makes things harder...thats why i tried waking up in the middle of the night so that i wouldnt have ne dreams about the situation...i just couldnt handle it...and so i didi that for about a week and theni started sleeping again...but i was so deppressed that i had some side affects with sleepwalking and doing wierd things...(i woke up with a knife it my hand once and then a huge cut on my thigh.) and then so i went to a counselor and she said its common in people with serious deppression...and then so i might have to go to the hospital and see if they have to put me on pills...but i stopped doing that a while ago....but i have my dreams back...and that (to me ) isnt any better...but at least the really wierd things stopped happening...so i feel okay....but im still unhappy guilty stupid and his freinds hate me...but its not like it matters what they think neways.. i dont even understand how ne1 could ever like that bitch justin...i did nothing to him and then he started passin things around about me...he even made up this note and read it out loud on the bus that said that jeromy was only using me for a girlfreind and that he wanted to break up with me because i was a lesbian and he thought it was nasty to kiss me ...and i think he had two different notes...his freind said he was talkin about giving one to jeromy...i felt like shit after that...justin is so rude...i just dont know what happened...first he acts like a fuckin bitch to my bes freind and then i get mad at him for it and then he stops pickin me ^ 4 skool and then tells people im a lesbian...thats just bullshitand i haver to admit that at first i was really worried that maybe they tell jeromy things about me and you know, those are his freinds, and so ....he could believe them....over me....and thats when i started getting a little upset about him and chandice having all those personal notes and stuff...and i now she doesnt like me...and so ....i was really worried...because...they seem....close... and i guess...i was a little jealos...and i was going through alot and jeromy seemed to be slipping away from me...and i love him...and i didnt know what to do...so i did the wrong things...i made the wrong descisions...and i fucked things up...obviously...hes still mad...because he wont ven talk to me...he seems to be trying his hardest to erase me...and so i guess hell never know how much i care...or even how much ive figured out...and i probably will die alone...but thats my descision...im just not gonna get involved withanother person again...and i dont care how hard it is to be alone...and i might not even reach the age whereill need a companion neways...because i dont really care about myself nemore...i care about him...and hes aleady let go of me...i dont blame him either... nobady wants to fell unloved or alone...but i have no choice...and thats the way its gonna have to be...hell probably move on without me and start over with somone else...and then eventually hell forget about me...but ill never forget about him...ppl dont just go around falling in love with eveybody...theyr alot more cautious than that...and i guess after looking so long i figured i would never find ne1 and then there he was right i front of me ...but i didnt see him...and im sorry...im so sorry...i screwed up...and im sorry...but i still love Jeormy...no matter what happens...im already dead neways... in my mind...theres just to much going on for me to be alive...i have no trust in hardly ne1 nemore...and i was so happyfor so long...2004 was the worst and yet the best year of my entire life...and i wont forget a moment of it...i wont even try... -  -honiy ♥ | |
| hey!!!, Jeromy still wont fuckin talk to me (stubborn ass )...oh well...i did it to myself ...it was my fault...im not mad at him...im just hurt that he wont even listen to what i have to say...i want to talk to him but im afraid of what hell say if i go up to him and just ...ya know...apologize...but w/e so much drama... first jeromy wants to break up with me in a good way (so ill be happy)....and then i dont believe him about it because im not used to guys who care...(seriously...im not...)...and then so i fuck up my relationship thereafter by being a dumbass and not realizing how much the kid loves me...and then so he breaks up with me for real after getting fed up with all of my bullshit (im such a dumbass) and then so i think its because of a number of other things and so i get all worried about it (and he dumped me at the 'best' time i might add!!!)...*sarcasm...(but that was once again my fault...and so later after about a week i decide to recap on the whole relationship and figure things out and then i realize it was MY fucking fault for being a bitch to him...i WAS bein a hypocrite!!!!...i mean...although i wasnt full force flirtin...i still never realized how jealous i am ....i am the jealous type....wow....amazing...but neways...they were only guy freinds but now that i think of it....they were only his girl freinds and i stil got mad...but even though the hypocrite thing was right...the obbsesive thing....HELL FUCKING NO!!!!!!!!! i am not obssesive i love him....yes.... but do i steal things from him and stalk him and stuff....no.... im just fine with loveing him....i will always love....wether he or any1 elae lies it or not....i dont care if he never talks to me again...i just know ill always love him...hes the first guy i ever said i love you to....he doesnt know that though...and he loved me too...i could tell....he is definatley the first....and the last... but newyas....continuing with 'drama'....i always....always have drama...after the whole breakup i went all into deep deep depresion...sensitive ALL the time about EVERYTHING and tryin my hardest not to cry in front of Jeromy...and then after i stopped cutting myself in my sleep (u dont want to know...its a dep. side - affect) i go to cali and i meet the worst cousins on the face of the earth and they talk my dad into thinkin im a horrible little slut and tell him all this bullshit!!!! (and then so he takes me into the garage and screams at me telling me hes ashamed to call himself my father...) and he knows i dont lie to him like that....but he believes them neways...over me of course...and then so i go insane and i run into the middle of the street totally hysterical SCREAMING at the top of my lungs!!!!! and then i start crying and the he just ignores it and keeps on yelling...and so the rest of the while i cry my self to sleep until i get back to my own bed at home (here in vegas)...but then when i get back i realize i forgot my steevy...(its a lil pink bear jeromy got me for valentines day...*starts to cry...)...and then so im really sad because i cant sleep without it...) and then after that my dad tells me that im going to my moms for a week. and so i just go...and then while im there she tells me about the little secret phone call he made to her...and thats when i just........cracked....broke.....omg i went totally hysterical....( he told her that she could have me and he didnt want me nemore ....and that i was not his daughter ...i was hers)and so scince i have been w/ my dad ever scince the begging of my life as my best freind...the only person i could ever talk to until jeromy came along....and then so i just totally went out of mind...and he acts like nothings wrong...but nothings going to change what he said....and then so i ran to my sster about it in tears...and then she just says OH...i already KNEW he didnt want YOU!!!!!....and so i cried even harder (if thats even possible)...and i died that day....i swear i did... and the saddest part about all this drama....is that it would only take one thing to make me not even care...and all i want is to be in jeromys arms one more time...even if after that he leaves again and never comes back...its true what they say...its better to be loved and have lost...than to have never been loved at all...even though i dont want to believe thats true...but i was happier than ever when i had him...and all of my worrys just dissapeared when he told me he loved me....especially if he ever used my name...'i love you jessica'...the best words ive ever heard... and i could never hear them enough...but it only took once for me to know that he meant it...and i mean it to.... but i fucked that up...and now im lost in broken pieces of glass...seeing the reflection that has haunted me so long... well i g2g...i dont want to think about how stupid i have been right now....so...see yalls l8er...*starts to cry - -honiy * | |
| honiy* |
|---|
ter
|
| honiy* |
| xanga - your site - terms - privacy - jobs - help - press - join - Language |
| safety - parents - law enforcement |
| report inappropriate content |
