|
| I don't even know what I've been doing in the past well...... actually in awhile. I've fucked up more times than I can count, switched my friends about a billion times, and I'm still not satisfied. I've tried to be a good kid and do what's right, but it's so damn hard. I just wanna do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry. I don't want to worry about what people are thinking when they look at me, I don't wanna worry about how my voice sounds, or if someone else is better than me at guitar. I want people to notice if I'm not at school that day, I want to make at least one person smile everyday. But it doesn't happen like that. I smile all the time and joke around but I'm never really happy anymore. I just feel like I've let myself, and everyone else, down.
I don't even know where my life is going... I just want to go back in time, two or three years, and stay there forever. I might've been anorexic, and thought I was fat... but I really wasn't. And I still had the things that matter most. I could think for myself, I wasn't anybody's bitch, and I knew what I wanted. It didn't matter that I was a loner, because I had myself... and that was enough for me. I'm not sure what happened but I miss those days a lot. I miss getting up when I wanted, taking care of everybody, then taking care of myself. Spending time with my uncle and his drunken friends, partying, and coming home. It was a farm life, and I had myself fooled into thinking that it was.... but it wasn't then, and I'll never be that close anymore.
| | |
| some
days it just gets to me. it still happens every day, and i just cry
and cry. but each time it happens, it waits a little longer in between.
its not that i miss you less or i dont think of you everyday. cause i
do its more like i've dealt with it or i've found a place, like theres
a part of me thats ok with what happened, but really, it's not true at all. when it comes to the
anniversary of your death, i will have to feel all the guilt again, not just the guilt
that goes along with remembering that day and you, which is always
there but the guilt that tightens around my chest and knowing that
another year has passed and everyone has moved on. i dont get how it
doesnt get to people but we learn to deal with it i guess..i miss you
so much
| | |
| Haha I don't know what to talk about...so I'll just write about today I guess?:
ACTUALLY GOT UP ON TIME
School:
1) Sub in band...some lady with a huge nose and she smells bad.. we watched a movie about drummers?
2) Health. Had to read a book for 10 minutes, then we read out of the text book.. filled out this survey thing, and got our report cards.
3) Math.. had this sub named Mrs. Ebaklsjerlkjeskltjsekltjalksj something with an E anyways and she had these big fluffy boots with high heels and they were over her jeans up to her knees and she looked like a hooker
Lunch..normal thing, just sat there in the hallway with people
4) English. Had a sub, Mrs Edwards (THATS THE LADY THAT WANTED ME TO BABYSIT HER GUINEA PIG DUMBASS AND NEVER CAME BACK AND GOT IT RAKJRWLETJSLKTJSLKGJSGRHHT) and yeah not too much there
5) Civics. Sub, some lady with a creepy looking face I don't know what her name is but we did work sheets the entire hour..
6) Science..Uhh reacted Magnesium with Oxygen to produce magnesium oxide and then we were seeing bright green bunnies for the rest of the hour because our eyes were all weird from the light and stuff
Came home...got online, talked to Kaila (awesome by the way), made some cookie dough, fed my dogs... Nichole called me, made my dogs some soup...Nichole called me again...changed clothes, Nichole called me AGAIN and told me I had to go to her house... so I did.. fixed her computer...uhh sat in a box in her basement because I was cold, she wanted me to go to the hockey game but I hate going there so naturally I said no and came home at about 7:30.. started watching Life Is Beautiful.. it's a movie about the holocaust where this guy goes to this death camp and his son has to come with and he tells his son that its a game and he has to hide and follow the rules and if he wins he gets a tank and yeah I'll stop talking about it in case anyone ever watches it...got on the computer and talked to Kaila...watched some videos...trying to see how many glasses of water I can drink tonight.. ive already lost count but I think it was like 5 or 6 now.. it's about 11 pm and yeahh I'm just listening to music. If anyone actually reads this, comment and let me know
Didnt bother to use correct punctuation or anything but im pretty sure its not going to bother anyone
| | |
| Brain damage and mei decided that i have to share one of my more abstract thoughts... i just to
get it out there and kind of see if i'm the only one. this thought
was inspired by an air duster i was using at school today..in case you were wondering an air duster is a little can of compressed air with a trigger on
it. when you pull the trigger...the air comes out. so i was blowing the
dust out of a keyboard in my computers class with the air duster and i looked at
the warning label on it and it said something like "do not purposely
concentrate and/or inhale. may result in severe brain damage and/or
instantatneous death." and i started thinking.. what if im brain damaged right now and dont even know it?.. and what if you had a
perfectly healthy brain and then one day damaged your brain in a way
that deteriorated your mental status...would you know?like, would you see a math problem like 5/4 times 67/3 and
remember the days when your brain could comprehend stuff like that or
would you never remember knowing that? basically would you remember
ever not having brain damage or would you be completely amazed by a cloud
that kind of looks like a bunny? that's my deep thought for this little
segment of my life. i'll make a video about it tomorrow maybe. enjoy.
| | |
|
