| i won't pretend anymore...i refuse to do it a second longer. i won't hide how i feel cuz now things have built up inside me and i need to release them. the day he called me up on the phone is a day that i will always remember, he broke up with me and i remember thinking to myself 'phesh..i don't need him, he didn't really mean that much to me anyways' but i don't know if there was ever a time where i was more wrong. i lied to myself i was trying to convince myself that i was okay with it all...but im not okay, i am hurt. i don't care anymore, i am hurt and i will play the victim, although this is not a cry for attention and i do not need your pity, not to say that i wouldn't appreciate it a little..but im not asking for it. i just need to get things out before i resort to the harm i have done to myself in the past.
i miss him so much, i want him to just call me up and confess that he made a mistake, wants me back, and just truly regrets everything. that will never happen, he no longer cares. gawd, i miss just being in his arms, him holding me tight and assuring me things will be okay as he had done so many times before. together we have made some horrible mistakes..i'll take the blame cuz he so obviously can't. we've "gone out" who knows how many times, but to me it was like i would always be his even if it wasn't officially called "going out."
he claims that he's lost friends and feels different when we're together..that all may be true..but the same thing has happened to me..i've never told him though, not once did i hurt him like that, why do i always try to spare his feelings, he's never been able to do that for me.
Geez, damn cd player, it just finished playing fallout boy, and it switched over to blink 182, why do i even have that cd in there? it brings back too many happy, yet painful memories of him. it has 'our' songs on it, "Always" and "I'm Lost Without You." i'm so darn pathetic, i'm sitting here crying because of a stupid boy and our stupid songs that we had together. i feel so numb and i'm sick of it, i want him back and i can't have him, he doesn't feel the same. i have such strong feelings for him and i don't know why.
i will dare say that word that everyone is afraid of...that word we dare not speak of unless it's true...love. not the silly, meaningless adolescent love that isn't real, or the "love ya's" you write in notes and tell eachother on the phone, i mean plain and simple...love. i truly and honestly believe that i love him. i don't care what anyone says, i love him with all of my heart even though i've tried to convince myself that i don't and that i can easily move on..i can't...i love him..and that is that. gawd, it's just not a word you can throw around either, it has meaning. i have never told him those three precious words, i don't think i'll ever have a chance either, i just don't believe he ever felt that way about me and that in itself makes me sick. i feel like i have done something to him and i haven't, i feel the need to blame myself, and say that i deserve this. do i deserve this, honestly does anyone deserve this, i will tell myself that i do, because no one else will and i never good enough for his love and care. he doesn't want me back, he doesn't miss me, he has no feelings towards me and i don't think i'll ever be the same.
but i want to thank him for the happy times that we shared, i do have many great memories of "us" that i will treasure forever. i think my only fault was being a stupid little girl who wore her entire heart on her sleeve. i'm done, i've said what i needed to say. i'm not afraid to say this next thing--I love you Gabe, with all my heart, soul, and very being, you and only you, always and forever..even if you can't say the same. Thank you Gabe for all the wonderful memories, I hope you will treasure them as I do. I'll be seeing you...
</3markita |
scariness ppl..completely nerve-racking.
..well ttyl..and call me ppl if ya wanna hang out
better pic
this pic isn't as good
okay pic..kinda tarded
kind of a scary pic
im a princess and you're jealous!!