|
| You all believe, you all believeKeep believing, its a wondrous thing to never feel sad. I don't even choose to see this negativity and feel sad, it happens and if it happens, it happens.
Today was an okay day. Chemistry was a colossal waste of my time, so was Math. Oh yes, we got interviewed for some 'research paper for High Ability Learners', it's kind of ironic, well the group I was with. I kept getting picked on but its okay right? Life's like that. So it was Binomial Theorem after our 'interview' which was boring so I did not pay attention.
Recess, it sucks to see you walk around with people I used to know because I let you. I refuse to awkwardify things and you'll just blatantly take advantage of it but its okay.
Everything's okay.
Student Forum. Student Forum never ceases to piss me off yearly. The issues raised are so minimal and minute, that I am in total shock and wonderment that we actually entertain this. We need an Ong Teck Chin in our school.
I escaped OBS briefing! Mr Liew wanted to see a few of us, to send us for Physics Olympiad. A level physics, insanely fun, it made me delirious.
It made me so delirious I was crazy during ROCS 3 meeting and started to joke around and talk a bit more than normal (which is actually the equivalent of you making less noise than usual)
Physics rocks.
Then I stayed back, Nicole went to see a certain lovely some one. Ate lunch with Sherri and Maddy. You can talk about anything with them. There's something the lady at CAP said, I can't remember her name, but she said sometimes all you need is a friend who you can say anything, even the worst things you've done or felt, but they'll just say, "It's okay" and Sherri and Madeline can say those things.
Amaris, Deborah, Sherri and I cabbed to the GE Branch. We almost went to Dover Road. Thankfully, Sherri was alert and said it was at Grange Road. We called Mrs Ng and received somewhat of a screaming.
The CAP briefing was wonderful, it seemed so fun and blatantly free. All I need now at CAP is the courage to speak up. Perhaps that will improve after the programme.
Went to Orchard with Deborah. She spent so much money on sweets I almost cried.
OBS, CAP, HOL.
School.
Good times never last. | | |
| I tear my heart open, I sew myself shutDear friend,
Two years of friendship mean everything to me. But two years of friendship with the other one may be destroyed if you insist on continuing with this.
I am sorry, I am sorry I have failed you. I am sorry, I am sorry I can't be close to you anymore. I will bring discomfort and unease with my appearance to the group, and that'll stop your happiness.
My heavy soul can't stand the light. You're just too upbeat for me now, I can't pretend anymore. My mask, my mask, perhaps when I find that, I'll come back to you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am sorry.
I don't wanna scar your heart with words that hurt you. I'm sorry. This is the way things has to be.
------------------------------------
You know, 2 years of friendship was great. It is purely for political reasons that we can't talk in school.
You'll understand why someday, I hope. I am sorry. Forgive me.
But, it makes me wonder if you can carry that argument across, then what was 2 years of friendship with her? Just because I changed, I am thrown away. I don't blame her, I don't. I hate myself, so why shouldn't the world hate me too?
My scars remind me, that the past is real, I tear myself open, just to feel. | | |
| When you find out who you are, too late to changeI, have recently been doing everything for the good of others, and trying my very hardest to repress my feelings.
But these feelings leak out, and they cause tantamounts of damage.
So here's Plan B,
Continue to do everything for the good of others and control my feelings. If the whole world hates me, so be it. To be alone isn't the worst thing a person can feel. The worst thing a person can feel is that she damages other people. Which I do think I do, so, I think it'll be best if everyone moved away from me.
And please, if there's something wrong with me, I beg you to tell me. I beg you to tell me, cause I won't get mad, cause I want to change, for you, for everyone, for the better. | | |
| What you don't know won't hurt youI'll pretend you can hear me, but its no good, because you can't
Reading list for the Holidays:
1. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
2. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
3. 1984, George Orwell
4. The Hours, Michael Cunningham
5. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelou
Movie list:
1. V for Vendetta
2. Brick Lane
------------------
OBS, OBS, I don't want to go. Then after that it will be complete and unadulterated bliss because I'll be going to the Creative Arts Programme!
I did well again, for English and Math. Well perhaps 72% for your English comprehension isn't that good, but its good enough for me. 87% for Math.
It'll be utterly depressing if I had A1s for every subject and a D7 for my elective. Utterly depressing.
Just like how I am now. I've failed in my duty. You know, we all seek something, I claim that I need to be entertained with intellectual materials, but the thing is, I've now begun to question my intellect. Am I really, gifted? Or is this another sad attempt of MGS to keep up with the IP/IB schools?
I think its the attempt. Cause gifted kids have so much more passion for learning than I do.
Repulsive. They ask you, is this all you have to take away from 2 years of friendship? that you can't trust us? So personal. For once, imagine how I feel. I beg you, for once, but you and I know you won't. 2 years of friendship, and because I've changed, I am cast out.
Its okay, we all outgrow each other anyway. I'm not angry, I'm only disappointed. | | |
| I wanted to believe in life again,Everytime I try, I dont.
Each time you believe and pull yourself up, the double the fall. Such is the sad nature of this world we are living. This world where nobody talks about anything at all, where happiness is so important, where fun is everything, and the people who suffer and watch these deeds done to have 'fun' and happiness', or the victims of these deeds are sacrificed, and inadvertently left behind.
No, being left behind and sacrificed to feel the pain that others choose not to feel, choose not to think about, it isn't even all. These people get talked about, rumours are spread, people look at the hurt with eyes, with scrutiny. And I wonder, just how fair this world is. That the hurt bite back their tongue, that the hurt let these people carry on with their deeds and ways so that they may achieve happiness and fun, whilst the hurt either die, or lead a path of insanity, or become so completely out-casted. And why? Why? It is because the hurt cared, they cared about the people's happiness and so much so that they were willing to sacrifice their own, for the greater good.
But to have these people talk about the hurt, to inflict on the hurt even more pain, just because the people can get away with it, because they can take advantage of it.
Believe me, I know, believe me. Believe us. For the minority holds the truth and the majority holds nothing. And soon the truth shall be ripped from us, and we all end up having nothing, until we see that the majority that stole our truth, ruined it, destroyed it, warped it, removed it, changed it, adulterated it, and we find our own truth again.
To be yourself, is all that you can be. You cant be anybody else. It may be the hardest battle to fight to keep your own identity, but to me, it is sheer impossible that I change for others. I change because, I become the change I want to see. I dont change, so that people will accept me. It is so easy to be accepted, so shallow, so, meaningless to belong nowadays, you dont have to talk about anything important, just pretend you're friendly, just crack jokes and hurl joking insults at each other, just do that, and I promise you, every individual in this society, will become the majority.
But I won't do that. Because, really. It means nothing. People don't talk about anything. And right now, for too long have my needs not been met. For too long, have i bit back my tongue. Now, I will stop pleasing other people, and I will meet the needs that have been so long, forgotten. | | |
|
|
