I've found myself to be upset all day today. I should have seen it coming right from the beginning.
I was supposed to work from 11 to 4 today, but my manager screwed up the schedule and had me working from 4 to 8. I told him I'd go in at 4 and so I went home. By agreeing to come back to work at 4 I was basically taking away the dinner I was supposed to be at with my family. At 645 I got off of work, excited I called home and met my family at the restaurant for our 7 pm reservation. By 730 we still were not seated and it was here that things got worse. We were going to go see the lights tonight at winterhaven, an activity I was quite excited about...Kevin was to join us. So I called to find out how late winterhaven would be open for and was dismayed to learn that they were only open until 10. In a fit of upset and frustration I yelled and told him to go by himself... And then I managed to yell at my family and be upset for most of the meal.
He was upset with me, I was upset with him. Apologies helped...but frustration still brewed. Now he's there enjoying the lights and the atmosphere with other people, not me, the one who he should be with. I am upset because he's there with the one I don't like. Now this upset feeling is turning into jealousy.
What's worse is the fact that everything makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I'm not spending any time with Kevin. But I also feel guilty because my mom thinks all I want to do is spend time with Kevin.
I fear that he is going to start hating me again because I never spend any time with him anymore. I'm afraid that this is the same path that we headed down before, not through any fault of ours. I know that it isn't this way, I know that he isn't going to leave, not again, but one can't help but wonder if this is sort of what it was like before. It hurts to be apart from him, it hurts to not be able to see him when I please and do everything with him by my side.
I told my mom I would be home on Christmas Eve, that I wouldn't be spending it with Kevin and his family. She told me I could spend it over there, that I didn't need to be here, but I'm afraid to make a decision. It becomes a great big question...will she be mad if I go? Will it turn in to a guilt trip for me instead of a fun, exciting night? I don't know how to be anymore, how to act or what to do. I don't know how to deal with this problem that I am having... | 
