blueentropy's Xanga

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Sun, 04 Jan 2004 03:27:39 GMT

Funny thing...this we call life.

Ever wonder just why the world is so complex? Why people are so complex? Why is it that we can never escape the deep unknown parts of our own minds

Friday, January 02, 2004

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 04:08:23 GMT

So I've been experimenting greatly with my new digital camera and today we created some of the most interesting pictures I've ever seen. I believe you can get an idea of what I mean by this by looking at my new profile photo. That isn't my favorite picture from tonight but it is probably the best one that includes myself. It is truly amazing what you can do when all you do is shut the lights off, turn the flash off and play with flashlights and LED lights. I swear to you that any of the photos that I may post here tonight are real pictures taken on my camera. None of these photos have been edited or created in any way what so ever.

There you have it, I swear to you that this is a real photo.

Crazy isn't it?

I promise that was the last one.

Other than that I really have nothing to report, or to say. So yeah, enjoy your day or evening or whatever...and enjoy this new year...

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 15:46:11 GMT

Well so I survived Christmas with the family, and trust me, christmas with MY family can be an experience. One you don't want to have to deal with all the time. But I suppose fun was had by all and I even got to spend a lot of it with my Kevin. I got the only gift I wanted this year, and so now I have pictures galore of my family, and all the things we've done in the last 3 days or so.

At least I won't be the only one without pictures of my life anymore.

Such a cutie. Wouldn't you agree?

Hooray for family.

Enough of the pictures for the time being. It seemed as though Christmas was one of those days that lasted forever, and then as soon as it ended I was back at work and back to the real world.

But work has gotten better and better, I've learned how to work the register and I've finally gotten it right I believe. I work non-stop this coming week, after a quick two day break. But I have no real complaints, this first paycheck should cover my new mp3 player, the only other thing I wanted but didn't get this year.

Last night was the 3rd annual cheese party, a sort of excuse to get all of the people my friends and I know together to celebrate whatever we can find to celebrate. Naturally last night was a huge get together, so many people, many I hadn't seen in at least a year... It really is a strange thing to see so many people that have gone away to school or that you just have sort of distanced yourself from, no matter what the reason.

I guess in some regards it becomes sad.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 23:45:22 GMT

I've found myself to be upset all day today. I should have seen it coming right from the beginning.

I was supposed to work from 11 to 4 today, but my manager screwed up the schedule and had me working from 4 to 8. I told him I'd go in at 4 and so I went home. By agreeing to come back to work at 4 I was basically taking away the dinner I was supposed to be at with my family. At 645 I got off of work, excited I called home and met my family at the restaurant for our 7 pm reservation. By 730 we still were not seated and it was here that things got worse. We were going to go see the lights tonight at winterhaven, an activity I was quite excited about...Kevin was to join us. So I called to find out how late winterhaven would be open for and was dismayed to learn that they were only open until 10. In a fit of upset and frustration I yelled and told him to go by himself... And then I managed to yell at my family and be upset for most of the meal.

He was upset with me, I was upset with him. Apologies helped...but frustration still brewed. Now he's there enjoying the lights and the atmosphere with other people, not me, the one who he should be with. I am upset because he's there with the one I don't like. Now this upset feeling is turning into jealousy.

What's worse is the fact that everything makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I'm not spending any time with Kevin. But I also feel guilty because my mom thinks all I want to do is spend time with Kevin.

I fear that he is going to start hating me again because I never spend any time with him anymore. I'm afraid that this is the same path that we headed down before, not through any fault of ours. I know that it isn't this way, I know that he isn't going to leave, not again, but one can't help but wonder if this is sort of what it was like before. It hurts to be apart from him, it hurts to not be able to see him when I please and do everything with him by my side.

I told my mom I would be home on Christmas Eve, that I wouldn't be spending it with Kevin and his family. She told me I could spend it over there, that I didn't need to be here, but I'm afraid to make a decision. It becomes a great big question...will she be mad if I go? Will it turn in to a guilt trip for me instead of a fun, exciting night? I don't know how to be anymore, how to act or what to do. I don't know how to deal with this problem that I am having...

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 02:42:37 GMT

In another totally unrelated light I decided that I should post some interesting pictures on here for you all to see. Whether or not you care about them is up to you, I am simply excited by the fact that adding these pictures is going to be so easy. I've learned so much HTML and gone thru numerous other sites to get pictures up...and this is by far the easiest method to do it...

So! This is my room. At school. Or at least...this is what it looked like up until the monday of finals week, a week ago today in fact (or yesterday technically if you like to be anal).

My half is on the left, notice how nice and messy it is. Now the room is much different however...we bunked the beds on the right side and built ourselves an interesting little 'entertainment center' on the left with the tv, fridge, microwave, dressers(which you can't even see in this picture), and these cool little cube thingys we bought at target. Exciting isn't it? Basically it gives us twice the floor space and I now live in a 'cave'...trust me, it is basically a cave with shelves, a stereo, and a little lamp. Maybe we'll get new pictures up if I get that digital camera I asked for for christmas.

This is my little Kevin. Okay, so he really isn't that little...but isn't he just adorable? Yeah, he's a pain in the ass...but he's my little pain in the ass.

Alright...he looks creepy in this picture....but at the moment my computer doesn't have any other good pictures of him...Well except for this one...and it is a strange one as well...

Aww come on Kevin...smile for the camera! Man...I need some better pictures...

Well that's it for pictures for now...the computer won't let me upload the other two...how sad! Thus ends this not at all intellectual entry.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 02:19:41 GMT

So I realized today that I can never win, keeping everyone happy is nearly impossible. In fact, it is impossible. One little mishap can destroy an entire evening in just five minutes. From happy talking and hugging to fighting and upset people in mere minutes. It seems to be a common occurance around here, in fact it really is a common occurance.

This one caused me to clean my room, strangely enough. So I suppose that in that regard it was a good little fight. In all others...it was not. This is why I've had such a hard time coming back home...it seems that even though I may try so hard to make everything alright...it backfires in my face. I haven't spent this much time with my family since the summer and it feels really strange to be doing it now. The constant bickering, complaining, and whatever else comes with living with your family becomes a painful nuisance, one that you want to escape but feel you can't...or rather, know that you can't.

Not that I hate my family or anything...it is quite the opposite, I love them all. It just seems like all they want to do to me sometimes is make me hurt. I get yelled at for things that shouldn't be a problem... Worse...things that could be great one day turn against me the next. Like Kevin.

I wonder sometimes what exactly I am supposed to do in these situations...how I am supposed to deal with the problems I end up faced with all the time. It is hard for me to quite understand why family can be so difficult but at the same time the people who love you so much.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 04:44:57 GMT

So there has come a time where I felt like visiting an old friend (albeit via the internet) would be a good idea. In the attempt to create a comment I came out with this lovely site which I have not yet even begun to explore. I feel like it is pointless to continue but at the same time I feel that this entire username should not go to waste. So in the interest of wasting my precious sleeping time I am introducing you all (even though I know there are none of you out there reading) to the wonderful world of me.

I spent the last few minutes trying to find a font that would be uniquely me. Of course it seems I have failed miserably. I have realized, however, the great possibilities that this so called 'xanga' site has opened up. I get font choices, colors, smilies and a whole world of other things to explore...and yet, I think I like my old home, my world of diaryland where I have been for nearly an entire year...(go ahead...try to find me...)

I think that I've realized in this moment sitting here at 2:31 am. that I have lost a lot in the last few months...but I never really tried to hold on to what it was. I've lost touch with friends who were important to me and I guess in a way still are... I realize now that I had no one to turn to when I needed someone the most...at a time in my life a lot of people missed out on, a lot of people didn't know about...a lot of people still don't know about. In fact...I didn't have people in two of the worst times of my life, but I realize now that I didn't have anyone...because I didn't want myself to have anyone.

Today I can say that I have someone back by my side, someone who deserted me...twice in a time of desperate need, but who has been there for every up and down since then. And who had been there before the world came crashing down around me just a few short months ago.

It is funny the things that come to you when you least expect them...like this long written out thought... No one out there, save perhaps a small few, would understand what I'm talking about...and yet I'm baring it all for you who do not know my name. Funny more because I'm never this open...and funnier because you have no idea what this first semester of college has been like in my world. Great because none of you will really ever know. Or maybe you will, with time...as I find it fit to share my world with you, the non existent people who don't really read my site.

Dark entry? Yes...I would say so...but it comes from deep inside...and it feels good to get it all out there.