Day 3

I have decided to guard my heart and feelings. Since I have no idea what you are thinking, how you feel... I don't feel comfortable sharing anymore than I already have(which is a lot). You have left me guessing. I will be strong and make you do the same.  

Day 2

Nothing has changed. If it has it is for the worse. I think I actually ran out of tears. I felt dehyderated(yup thats how i spelled it) so i did not cry for like two hours. Being at my moms helped a little. I have tons of great advice coming from every direction, but no one can really help me but me. I try to be strong. I will be getting through my day and then I will hear a song or something that reminds me of you and I relive thursday night all over again. It has only been two days so i didn't expect to be fine, but i also didn't expect to be this broken. I have been thinking a lot about our relationship and I realize now just how unhappy I was. I settled and I think you did too. I know that you loved me, but I was not the kind of girl you wanted. I could not make you happy and we are different in every way but the bad things(ex..stubborn) I really thought about the kind of man I want to be with today. I even made a list.

I would like a gentleman, someone that holds the door for me and likes to pay most of the time(but of corse not all of the time)

 I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to know that he loves me at all times even if I make a mistake.

I want a man who is sure. I want to be with someone who knows without a doubt that I am the only woman for him.

I want someone that is easy-going. I do not want to worry all the time if I am saying or doing something that may start a fight. I can't relax or be myself otherwise.

I want to be respected. My opinion should matter, my feelings should matter.

I want to be valued. I want to hear when I am doing things right.

I want things to feel easy. I am so tired of having to try so hard

I want someone who is sensative to my emotions.

Writing this list made me realize that I did break up with you for me.  I was always searching for the boy I fell in love with. You used to care about how your words or actions affected me, you used to be sensative to my emotional-ness, you used to respect me, everything was easy once.I saw glimpses of that boy now and then and it was just enough to keep my hopes up but he never stuck around. 

I wish that this person could be you. I wish that you could be the one that sweeps me off my feet. That our love would last forever like we both promised once.

Sometimes I let myself hope that you will call me and make everything better. You will say that you found out that I was the only one in the world for you. That you would tell me that you accepted me, flaws and all. That you would say that you were wrong for letting me go.That you would fight for me.

But then I force myself back to reality. I have to learn to let go of you. I can see that you are moving on with your life, so I should try to do the same. Today I tried. I went to a party in east la, got all dressed up, danced a bit, but all i could think about is that i would rather be anywhere with you. That is all I think about. I left early, cried all the way home and here I am.   

Every good memory that I have makes me cry. I keep thinking just 10 hours before we broke up we were saying that we missed each other and planning for me to sneak in... then it all ended.

I will miss going to your practices

I will miss watching your concerts

I will miss hangin out with the guys

I will miss your hand in mine

I will miss your hands on ...

I will miss suprizing you

I will miss you on holidays, especially August 1

That is all for day two I can't take anymore.

Day 1

Might as well make everything public since it doesn't matter anymore.

I am so hurt right now. I feel like locking myself in my room until I can't remember this anymore. But that doesn't seem to work because of school and work. I wish that this was just a nightmare. That tomorrow morning I could wake up and feel you hold me, that we can tell each other that we can make it work. That I could tell you that I love you and I want to be with you and that I will try harder than ever before. It sounds a lot like you broke up with me... doesn't it? But I was the one that let you go, that probably suprized you. I wanted to be strong. The way I acted was pathetic... like an emotional clingy ex trying to be missed, hoping you would fight me. That is how I know that you wanted this. You did not fight me, you were sad but you felt like I had guessed. And even though you swear that it was all me... I know. I can not allow myself to drown in guilt, because I remember the things you said to me. You told me that you did not like you I really am. You said that I did not have the ability to meet your needs. You said you were unhappy with me. The way you act, your indecicivness and not knowing if you want to be with me, your restlessness. All of these things influenced my decision. What kind of person would I be to stay with someone who does not want me?  And the thing that hurt me the most was when the first thing that came out of your mouth was " I wish we had sex, I am going to waste it now" I know you were being honest, and I wish that we would make it... that you would be my husband and that I could share that with you always. But it was a dagger to my heart to hear you say that. I don't remember what it feels like not to cry. I went to sleep crying and woke up crying. How can I face you? When will I smile again?

I miss your jokes that sometimes I only laughed at.

I miss your phone calls, you were my most frequent caller.

I miss hiding under your arm during the few scary movies I watched.

I miss feeling your arms around me.

I miss knowing that you are always there for me.

I miss making up names for kisses.

I miss drawing on your notes in class.

I miss you...good and bad.

That is all for day one I hope that this is easier for you.

I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone

During the day I am pretty good at distracting myself.

I can surround myself with people that think I am worth something.

But the nights yeild unbearable pain.

When I'm all alone in my thoughts

They are filled with impossible standards

and inevitable failure mixed with some insecurities and a dash of brokeness

It is such fun to feel like nothing isn't it!

Happiness anyone?

Can anyone remember when I was happy?

bcuz I definetly cant right now.

My xanga says that sometime in May I was.

Maybe I think I am happy but it's just because I'm used to how I am being treated.

Love is blind?

Well you definetly aren't

So... what does that mean then?

You are not in love.

Maybe.

ME THINKING TOO MUCH

And maybe all of this waiting and indeciciveness is really a ploy

I think that you are really over it all, but you don't want that to destroy me so you wait until I am over it too

Or maybe your waiting until a great excuse to end it appears (ex: you need to find yourself, and then maybe we will get back together)

I do not see that working.

But then again, that would make you a liar and I do not think that fits with who you are.

THE TRUTH IS...

I have had almost a week to think it over and I still do not have a clue.

There is a part of me that wants to reach out for you, make you stay somehow.

And the other part wants to let you go forever, if it means that you can be happy.

And then slap the other half for being so damn pathetic!

I do not think that a relationship should be this hard.

That is for sure