It's been a minute . . .

This has been the longest month of my life. I haven't updated for so long b/c we sold our house and had to move into a tiny ass apartment in less than a month, I'm taking organic chemistry as a Summer coarse and would rather chew on rusty needles, I changed jobs from the Credit Union to working at Wesley as a phlebotomist, and my boyfriend and I have been under constant attack in regards to his fidelity. To sum it all up, it's been hard just to wake up in the mornings. I'm swan diving back into a dark pit of self-loathing and despair. And no matter how hard I try to look on the good side of things, I get hit again. A proverbial bitch slap back to reality. I can't even pretend to escape all this chaos without making things four times as bad.

My boyfriend and I went to KC pride at the first of this month and it was AWESOME! Not Pride itself, but KC. It was SO nice to get away and sleep with my love, wake up with my love, and spend the entire day with my love. He is everything I was looking for in a guy and yet, the moment we get back, life goes to shit. He and I have been off and on and it's killing me. But b/c I'm having a hard time, he pulls back b/c I guess that causes him to second guess my integrity to our relationship. I have poured everything I have in me into this relationship. Any less of a man would have walked a long ass time ago. But I stay, b/c I know I truely love him and want to work through this and get back to the happy couple we can be. Is this possible anymore? I don't know. I hope so. But it'll take a HUGE effort by him as well as by me AT THE SAME TIME!!! Synchronizing this is the problem. We can't very well assume our feelings mirror each others. That's just stupid. Life doesn't work that way. But for once, I almost need it too b/c I don't feel like I have much left of me to go off on.  I'm empty without him. I'm lifeless and drained. And I don't know if I can keep going on like this. My life is in shambles as is. I don't feel at home in this apartment, school seems unusually hard to focus on, and work has completely changed! There's no stability and it's evident in my mental and emotional states.

A continuum (sp?) . . .

I went to goarmy.com . . . have you ever been there? It's pretty interesting. I can still become a doctor but serve as one in the military. Patient base is already there . . . as well as the materials/equipment, staff, and facilities. I could try and get hired on at a hospital that I may or may not like and have $200K in student loans OR I could serve in the military. It's just 9 weeks of BCT training then I go right into my AIT specialty training. School would be paid for. I'd be a soldier AND a physician.

I don't want to look back at this time of my life and regret NOT doing what I wanted to initially. I'm suffocating and many of you that know me know that I am. Living at home has saved money but at what cost? I feel like I'm a stepford son that does what he does to make his parents happy and proud. I wanted to go Air Force right out of high school. I had my parents and grandparents telling me that I wouldn't make it, my knee would hold me back from my dreams of being a pilot, and saying that I couldn't come back home if I get discharged. I haven't talked about this to ANYONE b/c it still sucks! I wanted to do it and for some reason I allowed my family to get into my head and prevent me from pursuing what I wanted. But now that Colton, my cousin, is going to the Navy . . . everyone is SO proud of him. I am too, but how hypocritical is that? Colton had knee surgery but a month ago! I was in better shape out of high school than he will be by the time he goes to boot. What's the difference? What makes him more of a qualified man than I was?! This is hypocricy at it's worst!

I look up to my cousin for going. I know he's also heard that he's not going to make it. At least once or twice and yet he is still elated to be doing this. I'm only 21, why should I give up? My knee hasn't had any problems for awhile. I want to go to the doctor to get it checked out again b/c since the last time I dislocated it, it hasn't felt completely right. But I'm young and I could make it through BCT! I just have to discipline myself enough to get myself extra healthy, work out, run, rehab my knee and enter with a determination that could shake the very foundations of my family. They may not like it and they may try to stop me in every way they can . . . but I don't need them to survive anymore. Especially if I go to the military. They'd take care of me and I'd grow a lot more there than I would if I stayed here after I get my bachelors.

Life Altering Contemplations

I'm thinking about going military after my bachelors

Two months later . . .

I'm in love . . . Yes, L-O-V-E (Ashley Simpson's song is running through my head now)!!! He's the perfect boyfriend. I love him. It's like I never get tired of saying it. I want to tell him that every minute of the day. Okay, annoying I know, but you get the point. He makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm worth something, and more importantly he makes me happy. I would do anything for him. Including shut off that part of my brain that is skeptical of EVERYTHING! I do still wonder how long we'll last. I do fear he'll find someone better. I pray he doesn't hurt me. But I can't live in those doubts. I can't sell myself short and I can't hinder the growth of our relationship on my emotional short-comings. I want to give him all I have and nothing will stop me from doing so. As long as we're together, I will do all I can to make him as happy as he makes me.

Now, as for the rest of my insignificant life, I'm about to get straight 'A's in school this semester (Trig, Spanish Convo, Chem II, and Microbio). I enrolled for Organic Chem this Summer (5 hours). And I'm taking 18 hours next semester (Physics I, Bio II, Genetics, and Calc I).

Work still sucks but hopefully I'll be out of there soon . . . for real this time.

I'm not sure where I stand with my friends anymore. People change and so much has changed that I'm not sure what's going on with everyone anymore. Select few in my life will never change, but a some I thought that fell into that catagory are surprising me . . . not in a good way either. I can't have someone in my life that is so self-absorbed that the friendship revolves on me taking care of them or going out of my way to maintain a relationship. Being judgmental, bitchy, 'Debbie Downer' about everything, selfish, self-absorbed, hypocritical, and flakey are not in my definition of a good friend (and I'm not just talking about one or two people). Pray that things get fixed soon.

I'll try not to wait so long for another update.

~Drew

Moments in Time

My parents left for their cruise almost a week ago now. I've had the house to myself and it's been great. However, I've been sick. Like I've missed 3 days of work sick. What irony is this?! I never get the house to myself for any period of time but like once every decade, and this time I have to be knocked down on my ass by this nasty respitory infection. Ugh! I just had to get that out of my system.

So, I'm still dating D. Tomorrow will be one month. He's spent every night but one with me this past week. It's hard to admit it but he's sort of growing on me. I know, I've talked to a lot of guys and gotten myself in some CRAZY situations in the past but I haven't felt this in quite awhile. He makes me laugh, he's gorgeous, he's not afraid to be himself (at least not anymore), he's really come out of his shell lately and in those moments in time, my heart sinks. It's like I'm expecting to wake up or the bottom to fall out. Those moments when we both are uninhibited, when we drop the sarcasm, no more smartass comments, and when we are just ourselves . . . it feels good. It feels right. And it scares the hell out of me. I know the coming months are NOT going to be easy. Things are going to have to change as life comes at us, but I think that if we can weather the storm together than we could last much, much longer than any preconceived opinion anyone has so kindly and freely offered. I just hope I'm not being blinded but my endless attempt to find hope. Only time will tell.