hi again... its been a while... ive been really busy and honestly havent had a lot of time to write in this.. plus i kinda forgot it even existed.

so since my last entry i moved... i havent even seen my moms house yet. i dont even know where she lives. we arent talking that much these days... but she is sueing my dad for custody. i personally think its bullshit that shes doing that... but you know hopefully things will end well.

i met a boy. named karl. and well he asked me out. and im thinking about it. im afraid to be in love but at the same time im afraid to be without it. also in less than a month i start a new school, and i dont want to get confined to a social group or feel obligated to sit with someone at lunch. so im not sure if we are going to go out or not. im still thinking about it...

latley ive been feeling depressed and im not quite sure why. i mean... i should be happy right now. im going to a new school... i have a guy that is like in love with me... i havent seen or talked to my mom in a while... but for some reason im just sad. i think its mainly my mom. i hate her... but i strive for that mother daughter relationship that i know im never going to have... because im not the daughter she wanted and i never will be. its hard to deal with that everyday. im always so strong about it too. i guess part of it is that i think everyone loves someone who is strong and keep their head up high even in the worst of situations. strong people dont ask a lot. they are there for everyone else before they even ask for help themselves. but that doesnt mean that strong people dont need it.

I went to nantucket for two weeks with this girl named kelsey and my dad. it was so much fun. i had an 11 oclock curfew everynight... and honestly that was about the time i got home... but kelsey drove me insane while i was there... dont get me wrong shes my best friend. but too much of anybody gets annoying after a while. i mean, if i was her and i spent to weeks with me id be sick of me too. so i guess its just normal.

there was the most beautiful view from the house we stayed at in nantucket. i mean absolutley stunning. our house was right on the water... and when it was high tide the water went up to the second step going up to the deck on our house. so every night id sit there with my feet on the last step in the water and watch the boats and the stars and the moon and listen to the clanking of boats and the waves. one night there was a group of ducks out there and i fed them bread. honestly if i could, id sit out there every night for the rest of my life. i got a lot of thinking done out there. now that im home i dont have anywhere to go to really get my thoughts out. i guess thats part of why im kinda going through a down upset phase.

karl was in colorado for 5 days or so. so im going to see him tomorrow. its kinda wierd spending time with someone who you know wants to be more than friends with you. theres just something strange about it.

anyways. i oughta get going. i have to take a shower and do some other things.

i think xanga is dead,
molly.

So life is full of stress at the moment. I hate stress. My mom is forcing me to go to Boston with her next weekend to go see my grandmas neices sons daughters communion. Im not even religious! so in my mind its pointless for me to even be going.

I think Ive decided to give my dad full custody. My mom makes me miserable and for once I want her to learn that she cant get her way all the time. I want to say to her something like "You blame everyone else for your mistakes, well this time it really is your fault." or something. but I bet Im going to end up saying something stupid like "im living with dad full time"...

Ive discovered that my love life is bullshit. The guys I like either a) dont like me back b) have girlfriends c) get girlfriends d) move away e) like someone else f) like a friend of mine. I really liked a guy and he got a girlfriend. Which figures because he was pretty hot but I just... felt something. I dont know Im a retard. Then the other guy that I kinda still like is 16 and theres no way he likes me back. Plus I can tell he likes this chick at his school.

Right now I guess you could say Im kind of unhappy. I was planning on telling one of the guys how I felt too and then when I finally get the guts to I notice he has a girlfriend. and then I feel retarded.

My grandma is being a bitch too. I wish I could just run away. Leave everything behind and just start a new life somewhere else. Latley everything I try to do to calm myself down doesnt work. I listen to music on full blast and Im still angry. I take photos and Im still angry. I talk to friends and Im still angry. Today I got so pissed I threw a picture frame at the wall and the glass in it broke... woops. So latley my new thing is talking walks. Which in all honesty doesnt work either but it feels better than being trapped in my house.

I somehow have good grades. Honestly I have no clue as to how but for some wierd reason I just do. I wish I could fast forward to summer. Im honestly sick of my school.

Latley Ive been listening to this song called Animal Ive Become by Three Days Grace and it kinda makes me think of what Im going through right now.

Molly

Currently Listening Life on the Murder Scene By My Chemical Romance Desert Song see related

Ive been listening to Desert Song on repeat since 4... I dont know why I just love that song. The line "I can see you awake anytime, in my head" makes me think of my life. Im always making up these fantasy lives in my head. #1 Im just wierd and #2 Im lonely and #3 I have nothing better to do. I close my eyes and I think of a slightly normal life. One with a normal mom... one where I can dye my hair any color I want... one where Im in a band and am 19 instead of 14... and then I open my eyes and nothing is there. Just the walls of my room and Im all alone again.

Basically I relate to almost every single line in that song in one way or another..

Anyways, today was awkward. I went to school dressed as a girl named Chelsea who is the preppiest girl at school. It made me realize that its definatley important to be yourself. I hard a hard time being happy today though. My mom told me last night that I "looked beautiful" and "for once you actually look normal!" and other stuff like that. I looked down and realized that was everything she wanted in a daughter. I realized I'll never get acceptance. I'll always be a let down in her eyes. Sometimes I just want to dissapear.

To be honest, Im sick of my dad. Hes kind of a hypocrite. Hes always saying its dumb how people always feel the need to show off their houses but then he says that he wants a house warming party when we move into our new house. He is always picking on other people and how they live their lives or how they put plants in their yards. He looks at people with wacky hair and piercings like they have some type of a disease. I just wish he could be a little more accepting of people. Maybe I should say that he should respect people and their decisions on life a little more. I mean I dont give a shit if someone wears uggs to school everyday... its what they like and I respect that. I personally dislike uggs, but hey its their outfit.

I have a head ache.

Tomorrow is last day of school before spring break. yess.

I think Im going to kind of let myself fade away and think way too much over spring break about life. I hate the fact that everyone is so judgemental of everyone too. That everything in this world has to be labeled. I fucking hate the word emo. Its dumb.

I also hate it when people say stuff thats like "if you were depressed youd be like this..." and yet I am depressed, but people are just ignorant... or maybe Im just good at covering it up.. havent decided yet.

Im going to take a shower... then listen to Desert Song a hundred more times.

Molly

Currently Listening Ok Computer By Radiohead Let Down see related

My mom is right about everything. Im ugly, stupid, a liar.  She told me I wouldnt get into private school... and she was right. I got rejected to both the schools I wanted to go to. Rejection is all I ever get in my life. My mom hates me... why doesnt everybody?

Why cant I just go to sleep and stay that way till Im 18, then wake up again. This would be a great time to fastforward through.

Today I had a breakdown at school. Which was just about the most embarassing thing ever. It made things worse. So instead of going to social studies or math I just sat with mrs. pascal and talked to her. I find it strange that she can know me for about 5 months and think Im a great person, but yet my mom who gave birth to me and has known me for 14 years cant see a good person. So why should I see one in myself. I think Im fat, ugly, dumb, a liar, manipulative... I hate myself.

Today was just a bad day in general. My life has been a bad life in general. I want to just be in college already. Be on my own. Go to concerts, live away from my parents, dye my hair wacky colors.. etc. I dont know. Right now Im just miserable. I want to go crawl under my bed and just stay down there with my ipod. Never come out.

I wish my mom would do one of two things. Either die or never see me again. Right now I hate her guts. I really do. I dont love her. I want her to go away permanently. Shes a slut who cant do anything right. I hope she just... kneels over and dies. I know thats something I shouldnt wish on anyone but I really do. Shes a shithead.

Five minutes ago she came in here with that "heh, I knew you wouldnt get in" look on her face. Then she said "public school is good anyways. Im proud of you for trying" which is code for "hah I was right, youre a failure. you try at everything and you never succeed." I want to go and talk to mrs. pascal again. For some reason I really like talking to her.

I dont know if Im going to this play thing tonight or not. I dont really want to go... I just want to sleep and be by myself. Just... fade away.

The Failure,
Molly

Currently Listening De-Loused in the Comatorium By The Mars Volta see related

I dont have time for my own life anymore. I am always busy with one thing another. Im just that blurry face in a photograph. The one who blows people off because she has so much on her mind she cant remember shit.

Right now I have a very pessimistic attitude about the rest of my life. Or at least until Im old enough to do what I want. Its funny, all Ive ever wanted to do is get older, but I know that when I get older all I'll want to do is go back. Its funny how the human race works. If you really think about it, as soon as were born we start dying.

Anyway things have been pretty bad at home latley. My mom threatened me and then went through with her threat. She showed multiple people my myspace and said that it was inappropriate when there was nothing wrong with it in the first place. Shes a douche. She then told me "Youre a liar, a filthy liar, and that is all you will ever be." and rambled on about that while I turned up my ipod to full volume and pretty much damaged my ear drums gauranteeing that I will be deaf when Im old. Sometimes I cant take it. I cant take the yelling ang the stress in this house.

My dad told me to shut my myspace down, but my myspace is like a part of me almost. so is this thing really. Even though I dont constantly write in it, this thing has become a journal where i look back on things that I forgot about...

My mom has been away a lot latley, and Ive been with friends a lot latey. My dad has also started traveling again. I hate it when he travels, it means I have to be with my mom alone. He used to travel all the time when I was young... then when I was ten he retired. My mom spent almost all of our money then he had to go back to work two years ago... and now we are starting up the same traveling scheduals again...

School has been torture latley. Im sick of homework, Im sick of studying, Im sick of trying to be what everyone wants me to be... I just cant wait till I graduate and then I dont see over half these people again. I plan on keeping in touch with some of them, but others... hell no.

Next month the MCR CD/DVD comes out. I cant wait. Its kind of sad that thats the only thing I look forward to these days.

Im the one who is obsessed with music at school. Im the one who should be spending her free time going to concerts. Instead, Im the one who always is doing homework and taking notes and trying hard. Then I fail tests anyway. The thought of missing Warped Tour again this summer breaks my heart. Music is what keeps me alive. Yet my parents dont understand that. They just dont get it...

Im mad at all the people at school who think they know me. Ive noticed myself giving glares out at people who I know and like. Im just, not very happy I guess. But Im just sick of people at school making fun of me for being different. I hope they know that I make fun of them for all being the same.

Im hungry,
molly