I am dead tired.

Happily, in the midst of an SAT Diagnostic test, I found beauty:

"I believe that knowing someone is not about seeing him or her often and knowing every fact and detail about his or her life.  It lies in understanding more about them than you are told."

This made the four hour exam go by a little easier.

^^ (Seriously, I just used a thesaurus for "Glass" and "Menagerie" and that's what I got). ^^

If you couldn't tell already, we read The Glass Menagerie in English this month.  Although the character of Amanda made me want to tear the book to shreds, I found it deeply insightful. 

My life is by no means as symbolic and as beautifully written as this play, but I definitely feel a connection with it and my everyday life. 

A common motif  in this play is illusion versus reality.  The title of the play reflects the distortion of illusions on reality, in the same way glass distorts images when we look through them.  All of the characters in the play, at some point, need to balance the influences of illusion and reality in their everyday lives.  Some characters focus mainly on reality and refuse to let illusions alter their mind set , some live in what seems like "fairy-tale bubbles" and refuse to accept the faults in the world around them, and the others fall somewhere in the between.

I guess I know what it feels like to struggle between the amount of illusion and the amount of reality you want to accept in your life.  Due to the fact that I am struggling to find out what I want to do with my life, this motif comes up quite frequently in everyday events.  I don't know whether to live in illusion and think that I can do whatever I put my mind to, or whether I should be realistic and stick to only what I know I am good at.  This is my dilemma.

I am fully aware that my problems are extremely superficial in comparison to those aroused by Tennessee Williams and should probably not even be spoken of when talking about The Glass Menagerie.  So, as is my custom, I will retract everything I have just written, beg the forgiveness of those who have read this entry, and depreciate my self-worth even more:

My life is a common man's Glass Menagerie. 

I am simply a Bottle Collection.

How do you know when someone has crossed the line from obsessed to a downright stalker?

Dictionary.com defines stalking as: To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement.

Does following someone via phone, IM, facebook, visiting you in your classes, and having a MAJOR crush on you count?

If so: I have a stalker.

Here's the story:

His name is Derryk (yes, with a "y").  He's in 9th grade, and is 4 years younger than I am.  I used to think that the crush he had on me was kind of cute.  I was flattered that a freshman liked me, especially one who was so cute as Derryk. (as in like puppy and baby kind of cute) 

He and I used to be really tight.  I actually considered him one of my closest friends at one point.  We would sing duets together in chorus, listen to ridiculously juvenile music together, hang out occasionally, have really superficial conversations, sit next to each other during field trips, etc.  He basically became my little brother.  I looked out for him and genuinely liked him as a person.

It wasn't until one day, when I was driving him home from play practice 2 months ago that this all changed.

I was driving from our high school to his house.  It is about a half hour in the opposite direction of my house. But I really didn't want to go home to my mother, so, naturally, I decided to drive him home.  We were joking around about the day's events when he just randomly says to me, "Zak is totally crossing the line with Laura Donnelly.  He flirts with her all of the time and always initiates something with her.  Are you two having trouble in paradise? ... You're too good for him."

Up to this point, I really didn't care that he was jealous of Zak. I had picked up on the fact that he liked me, but I just decided to keep treating him as a friend.  But once that rant flew out of his mouth, I knew that I couldn't let this one go.  Zak is a great boyfriend, and I was actually getting very angry that he had said otherwise.  Naturally, I just sang the praises of my boyfriend to shut him up and disprove everything he had against him.  This worked, for about 10 minutes.

Then, once when I got to his driveway and he is about to get out, these infamous words escape his lips:

"I like this girl.  A lot, actually.  But, here's the thing: she has a boyfriend.  I mean, I don't flirt with her because I know my boundary and I wouldn't want to hurt her, but what do you think I should do?"

At this point, my face somewhat resembled this:

I was shocked for a few reasons:

1. Okay, how dense does he think I am?  Does he honestly think that I am just going to believe that he has a friend that is in the exact situation that we are in right now?  Wow. 

2. Okay... uhm... awkward.  How do you tell someone to back off in the nicest way possible?  Granted, I really want to keep him as a friend, but I need to assert myself or else he is still going to think that there is a chance for him.

So here was my response:

"If she has a boyfriend, don't bother.  I mean, keep her as a friend, but you don't want to screw up her relationship.  She'll hate you if you ruin it for her and then you will stand absolutely no chance.  Just keep your distance but be her friend and crap like that."

I thought I had done the right thing.  I kept his friendship but discouraged his romantic feelings for me.  But when I looked over at him, his face displayed that same look of shock I donned mere seconds before.  He couldn't believe that I wouldn't be on his side for this one.  But, honestly.  Did he seriously think I was going to leave my boyfriend for him?  Besides the fact he's four years younger than me (which would make me feel as if I was actually dating my younger brother), he was still really immature.  Plus, I fricking have a boyfriend who I wanted to stay with. 

Sadly, my attempts at discouraging him failed.

After about 1 1/2 months of just friendship, like it was before, he began to cross the line.  He called me very frequently.  Don't get me wrong, I love to talk on the phone.  I talk on the phone for an average of 2 hours a night.  The think is, I only talk when there is something to be said.  If someone talks about Metallica, I will talk about Metallica for hours.  If you ask me my opinion on Clinton versus Obama, I will talk about that.  But if you call and the bulk of our conversation consists of,

"Hey, what's up?"

"Not much, you?"

 "You know, same ol', same ol'." 

"Yeah..."

"How 'bout 'dem Eagles?" 

I'd shoot myself.  Well, he would call me up 3 times a week with just that.  Now you may be thinking, "How is he a stalker?  He just seems very taken with you." It gets worse, trust me.

It was 3 weeks ago that he started to memorize my class schedule and would actually stop by in each of my classes just to say, "Hi, Brit." And then the phone calls increased.  He was literally calling everynight.  Thankfully, my cellphone has CallerID.  I basically just stopped picking up so often, but that didn't discourage him.  He would just call more times a night until I did pick up.  It was seriously concerning because he JUST DIDN'T LET UP!

Then, this past week came.  He had expressed to me that we had to hang out over spring break.  I told him we could hang one day because I thought that if we hung out once, he might let up a little bit once he found out how boring I am outside of school. 

Thursday I told Derryk that if he wanted to hang, he needed to call in the morning because I had plans that night.  I did.  In the late morning, I had an impromptu sushi lunch with friends, but I still had the afternoon open.  I assumed Derryk was going to call and we'd get ice cream or something.  No big deal.  Once 4 o'clock rolled around and still no call, I decided he lost his chance and I went to my other plans.  I was going to church with Zak and his family.  Thank Jesus that I had my cell phone turned off because that boy called me twice during the service alone and once more when I was at Zak's house afterwards.  I forgot to mention there were about 4 text messages scattered randomly throughout that night as well.  All of them said the same thing, "Sorry about not calling, can we hang out later?"  .

Then came Friday.  Derryk had previously told me that he was going to play golf with his dad that day and we couldn't hang out.  I was relieved because I had plans with friends to go out for dinner that night.  The day was relaxing and the night was fun.  I kept my phone on silent the entire day just so I could enjoy the day and live in my own little bubble.  Once 11pm rolled around and I checked my phone, Derryk had called 9 TIMES and texted me 5 TIMES (just in a 4 hour period).  Honestly, 5 texts isn't that much, but when they all say the same thing, "You free tonight?", it gets kind of weird.

Saturday came, and the same thing happened, only this time I just had my phone off.  Saturday was filled with parties and cake, but thankfully, I was unaware of Derryk. I refused to check the phone until Sunday 

And Sunday, being Easter, we couldn't hang out.  I checked my cell from the night before and saw that he had called several times and texted twice.  But thankfully, during Easter, he only texted me once.

There's my story.  I think he's stalking me.  I don't know.  Should I keep him as a friend?  Should I tell him to back off?  I don't  know.  I may not seem like it on here, but I am a very kind person and I don't want to hurt his feelings.