1 Now the Philistines gathered their forces for war and assembled at Socoh in Judah. They pitched camp at Ephes Dammim, between Socoh and Azekah. 2 Saul and the Israelites assembled and camped in the Valley of Elah and drew up their battle line to meet the Philistines. 3 They were all very upset because tonight was a new episode of The Simpsons and yet they had to work.

4 A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet tall. 5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; 6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. 7 His spear shaft was like a weaver's rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. He had some issues with being the center of attention.

8 Goliath stood before a brick wall and shouted to the ranks of Israel, "Do you not see that I am better than your programming? Do you not prefer me to Deal Or No Deal? 9 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'Ell if I 'no! 10 Is that not funny? Are you not laughing? For you cannot leave until my act is over! 11 Did not you notice that Philistine people drive like this, while Israeli people drive like this? 12 What about those pretzels you get on airlines? 13 These are the jokes, people!" 14 On hearing the Philistine's words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed that they could not leave, especially because 15 it had been foretold that tonight's Seinfeld was the one about The Contest, and everyone wanted to see that.

16 Now David was the son of an Ephrathite named Jesse, who was from Bethlehem in Judah. Jesse had eight sons, and in Saul's time he was old and well advanced in years. 17 Jesse's three oldest sons had followed Saul to the war: The firstborn was Composite Audio & Video RCA Input/Output; the second, S-Video Input/Output; and the third, RF/Coaxial Input. 18 David was the youngest. The three oldest followed Saul, 19 but David went back and forth from Saul to tend his father's IR Emitter at Bethlehem.

20 For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand. By now the Israelites had missed like four episodes of The Office and so both sides were getting mad. 21 Plus it was hockey season, which made it worse. And Saul wanted to watch One Life To Live.

22 David said to Saul, "Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant has a solution."

23 Saul replied, "You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth."

24 David said to Saul, "Fight him? What are you, insane? He's nine feet tall and weighs like a million dollars, I'm not going over there. 25 I came to tell you that I just figured out a way to watch tv again!" And saying that, David produced the Slingbox Classic.

26 Saul responded, "How does that work?"

27 David hooked the Slingbox Classic to the back of the television of his father, Jesse. Then he walked to the front line, where the high priests were keeping the laptop. 28 Using the SlingPlayer software, David established a direct connection to his own tv, so that it was possible to watch shows in places where no television could go. 28 The men gathered around to watch. Morale became higher than the stack of potatoes in the market.

29Soon no one was paying attention to Goliath. Goliath tried to do a little dance but no one cared. 30 After twenty eight days of trying impressions, juggling, and some crazy thing with a puppet singing Madonna, Golliath was broken hearted, and he just walked away. 31 There was polite applause, but that only made it worse.

32 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. 33 David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. And lo, he tripped on the hem, and everyone did laugh. 34 David tried to sit on the couch, but the sword got in the way, and the tunic made him slip. And lo, did everyone laugh.

35"I cannot wear these," he said to Saul, "because I look like an idiot." So he took them off, and contented himself before the computer that did accept the stream from the Slingbox Classic. And it was good, because just then, Law and Order SVU was starting. 36 And they were ordering manna and a two liter, and Saul was buying.