The waves were rough that night

The cold wind blew with all it's might

The little rosebud trembled with fear

Surrounded by roses whose thorns were too near

The wind howled cruelly, the waves crashed fiercely

Taunting the rosebud near to tears

Bruised and broken by sand, wind and water

The little rosebud still didn't die

And day burst open; the sunshine came out to play

It kissed the little rosebud right away

"My darling little rosebud, now's your time to shine

Your sisters and you pulled through for all of you did fine

Stand up be proud, hold your head up high

I know the thorns cut you, but you still fought and tried

Look at the rosebuds that gave up on you

They never took the chance you did

You’re now one of the few

Though it's not the last storm you'll see

Rosebud keep trying and soon a Rose you'll be."

How do you know you’ve done your best

If you’ve never gone through the worst?

How do you know your own strength

If you’ve never felt how it was to be weak?

How do you know happiness

If you’ve never had to cry?

How do you know you’ve passed the test

If all along you never had to try?

Run faster now

Jump higher now

Scream louder now

What do you know?

Don’t make any mistakes!

Did you pass the test?

Can you handle the pressure?

Keep Moving, Keep Moving!

My body’s weak…

Keep Shouting, Keep Shouting!

My throat’s hoarse…

Keep Thinking, Keep Thinking!

The pressure is building…

I’m trying, I’m crying, I’m weakened

It’s only getting worse…

But they can’t break me

Never…

I’m all heart now,

Can’t take that away from me

Cuz I’m all heart now.

To My Big Sis

A package came for me one day

It held three things

And they all made my day

They came to me such a surprise

A picture frame with butterflies

A makeover book to get a Latin look

And a journal so cool it has reversible sides

I really want to thank

My big sister from Beta Phi

But anonymous is the rule

And so to anonymous I reply

I’ll have to be patient

I’ll have to endure

But I can count on her

For that I am sure

And one day I’ll know her and the wait will end

My mystery sister and my mystery friend

Lost love

When I think about you

My stomach churns

With sorrow and regret

No longer hate

No longer love

But little moments of weakness

In my heart

So somber is the mood

I’m transported in

No longer the girl I once was

So carefree innocent

Spoiled or just naive

Believing in forever

And kisses in the rain

Romeo and Juliet

Jack and rose

Only movie figurines

Sent to deceive

Sent to aspire

The unreachable

Because I tried so hard

And yet I failed

So I try not to hope

But I can't help feeling bitter

Bittersweet is the pain that ebbed

From my heart

Time has dulled it

But my innocence is gone

I am not the girl I was

Sept. 11 2002

So you've succeeded

You've broken every promise

So you've succeeded

In lying to my face

Yeah you've succeeded

In fooling me all these years

It's why I'm so brokenhearted

I know now how stupid I was

To believe you when you'd cry

Yeah you succeeded then

You believed your own lies

It took me so long to see you

For what you really are

You'd almost succeeded in making me die

But hey you tried hard

And now you've succeeded

Right from the start

I could hardly believe it

So yeah you've succeeded

Go ahead and laugh

Make yourself look good

At my expense

You deserve it you've succeeded

I know I was too good for you

So you've succeeded

I've left you far behind

So yeah you've succeeded

My life is now mine

So you've succeeded

I heard you got a ho with a kid

How's your psycho mom like that?

Aha.

Thought you were good

Different

DIGNIFIED

Ha? You’ve succeeded

In proving me wrong

So in contrast, you've succeeded

Hell, you're right where you belong

I love you so much mom,
thank you for always being there for me

For MOM

There once was a beautiful rose
Fair and tall and proud
if one got too close
her thorns would cut deep and harsh
red against white
the smoothest skin
and heaviest scent
yet we all learned love
was not perfect
but kind and true
and utterly devastatingly beautiful
such is the lesson of life
that you have tried to teach me
all that you are
to be strong and beautiful
the most beautiful, gorgeous rose I
shall ever meet
and am lucky enough
to have as my teacher
I love you
with all my heart

Your budding rosebud
Isabel

Ps
mom I know that I am not perfect
but I know where I've come from
you and papa are the best people I know
I love you so much
and hope I can make you proud of me
I haven't done everything I wish I could
or been the person I wish I’ve been
but your love and faith has persevered
even on my darkest day
I know what true love is
and that is what I have learned from you
even if I don't show it
as much as I want to
sometimes I feel I don't deserve it
to be so lucky
to have you love me
and be a part of you
I love you

I lost my journals with my most recent poems... dammit I can't remember exactly what I wrote. oh well

*I tried to rewrite this and added a lot more stuff because I don't remember it exactly. it was simpler before and much better.

Can't fight the wave

I am in it

sucked in

I'm fighting the water

I need air

Can't breathe

Let me out

It's tearing me apart

It's eating me alive

Water that was calm a second ago

I thought it was over a long time ago

the wave found me again

I left you across the end of an ocean

but you found me again...

the same wave,

How many times must I always almost drown?

when will you leave me alone?

I'm going to die soon

No more, go away

leave me

I don't want to fight you

I don't want to feel you

I don't want to get sucked in

and finally I'm thrown up and out

slammed against the sand

coarse and hard

and the wave goes out with the tide

leaving behind

a tattered battered broken little girl

half dead

barely alive

in fear of the

wave

that will find her again

*I can't remember the first two lines. they rhymed and they were about my pain. the rest I think is accurate. it does work even without the first two lines I think.

I can't stop thinking about who might have my poems. shit.

consumed by pain

drowned in tears

my soul ashamed

my heart aflamed

I don’t know anymore

what is real

I can't see

I'm blinded

it's blurry

I'm numbed

for a few seconds

then it starts again

The shame

the pain

the tears

keep flowing

I hold in my hands

the fragments

of my life

it was nothing,

but it was everything

I know I have to

put it together

but pieces are

missing,

gone,

destroyed

did I do that?

why ?

let me take it

back--

please

but it's gone

stepped on

broken

swept away

in the trash

all I have

is broken glass

let me slit

cut

open

be free

from failure

remembering

being forgotten

be nothing

go away

fly

into infinity...

it was just glass

my nothing that was everything

So Young Yet So Old

So young yet so old

life's thrown you into the cold

Let the days pass you by

Let the loneliness make you cry

So young, yet so old

you're growing, grown too fast

at the rate you're going

you ain't gonna last

go outside meet

someone new

no more four walls

find something to do

enjoy each moment

there's no such thing as too old

be young and carefree

do something bold

Too young to be old

stop wasting away

Life is for living

so live for today

If tomorrow you should

pass,

laid under 6 feet of grass,

Let not your headstone read

From this misery she was freed

Over Pizza

My sister

love is so hard to say

I don't know why you said it today

but it made me cry

You said it so simply

over pizza

and I pretend it's normal too

but under the covers

I hide

the torrent of tears that came to flow

Reveling in the realization that I am loved by my sister

After all these years

the fights

the tears

the laughter

the silence

and finally

over pizza,

I love you

This burning crevice

has taken hold

of me

again

a fire unstoppable

unlivable

unbreathable

killing the life

that breathes

my soul

a cloud explodes

in the hollows

of my head

I'm taken to a

place

a time

an act

I cannot bear to feel

I scream

out loud

in anger

uncontrolled

a futile attempt

to stop myself

again

over and

over again

A monster's letter

my dear brother

your letter makes

me so happy

and light

it's a bright light

in my bleakest day

the poem you wrote

ages past

has stolen into my heart again

after discovery

it tells me I'm loved and admired

and missed

the only thing

I worry wont'

happen if I die

it gives me hope

to keep on living

and reminds me of

the beauty I have

been blessed

the beauty and

truth

I 've taken for granted

that there are

you and my family

that loves me no matter what

no matter that

I'm an ogre

at times so monstrous

I can't be touched..

except with love

and I am cleansed

and I am beautiful

because of you

Perfect Stranger

Where are you secret admirer?

where is my prince

my silent faceless dream?

My wedding dress in soft white?

the babes of joy I hold in my arms?

the tears of joy brimming from my eyes?

Where are you silent dream?

silent stalker of the night?

stealing into my dreams?

into my bed... with sweet promises?

tasting my surrender?

Only to wake

only to long...

for silence and abandon

escape to surreality

Faceless stranger--

come to me

don't let it be a dream

Find me soon

Tell me I'm not crazy

then make me crazy

for you

as I dream you are crazy

for me

For shanny

Born of evil

the angels sheltered you

God kissed you

and you were blessed

with innocence

do not cry

do not feel shamed

for love has saved you

You have struggled in the dark

torn and ripped apart

by hate that created you

Cast out to be broken and beaten

but you were protected instead

by angels on heaven

and on earth

they led you to love

which has cleansed you

of the sin that had

born you

never fail child

the veil of ignorance

has been lifted

and again

the angels sheltered you

You are destined for something

great and good

you are destined for love and life

to right the wrong thrust

upon you

It is with love that I

write these words

inspired by the strength and dignity

you have shown the world

in spite of the evil that

threatened to take over

may the angels keep on blessing you

and keep on loving you

Innocent child

you are beautiful

---inspired by an angel--

Words

words are so powerful

they have the power to move

the concept to feel

to provoke memories

that would die until

words softly spoken

riding on the lines of paper

escaping into the creases

of memories

the edges of a dream

making you realize the power of words

to evoke the passage of time

of a day

of a memory

it can link one to great heights touching on the elements of time

travel-- with the

simple stroke

of pen and paper

it is immortalized

in that moment of time

so powerful is the act

of writing

transcending life and death

and love

Immortalized or resurrected

is the power of words

dancing on paper

and falling upon tears

I wrote the first three poems when we broke up. As you can see it brought out some of the pain and anguish I was feeling. I don't know I feel so close to you I thought you might want to hear them.

I sent these to him. We made up soon after but as you know we got back together. But as you know we broke up again. The last poem is my latest one. This was when I needed him the most that I felt he was ignoring me. That he was tuning away from me. This was written before I confronted him with my feelings.

The time has come

things been said and done

Never meant to hurt or betray

Past mistakes led me astray

Now I'm here before you for

my kisses aren't special anymore

you used to say I was so sweet

The most wonderful girl you'll ever meet

your passion and romance was so strong

now you tell me it feels so wrong

you can't even hold me for

my kisses aren't sweet anymore

The way you looked at me felt so fine

Heaven was ours for a lifetime

Everything you wanted was inside of me

but I look in your eyes and that's not what I see

You can't even look at me for

My kisses aren't good anymore

One stolen kiss from a so called friend

Not freely given but freely taken

someone who has never tasted

all the sweetness my lips have wasted

on the only man I ever gave it for

to him my kisses aren't special anymore

So now I'm just another whore

My kisses aren't real anymore

Next one::::::

I said I was sorry for hurting you

This I wish I didn't put you through

you were my knight my hero in the storm

Now I wish I'd never been born

Never meant to hurt you or make you cry

It's killing me to say this but I need to say goodbye

Goodbye to the love we had when we first met

a love so pure and innocent I cannot forget

Goodbye to the good times in love's sweet ecstasy

when everything's too good to be true as you'll see

Goodbye to the sweet words and opening your door

Never hear you say to me our love's forevermore

Once you start the hurting it's never gonna end

We'll both get a broken heart that will never fully mend

No sweet words can fix this mess

So goodbye to my happiness

for no matter what I say

What I did will haunt us it will never go away

Every hurtful word is building up a wall

Hurt after hurt isn't solving this at all

But I can't help but wish and pray

One day it'll be fine and you'll say

love has pulled us through

the love between me and you

I can't help but hope

all I can do to cope

One day my love, you'll realize

And tell me my love is a prize

I guess I'll just leave it to fate

That I love you is not too late

Next::::::

Why did you lead me on, baby?

Are you trying to make me crazy?

you said forget the past let's move on

To get what you wanted you had me conned

Why didn't you just let me be

A little while longer I'd have been free

I wouldn't hurt this much today

If you hadn't conned me the other day

Only to say goodbye, after

hollowing my soul even deeper

Why did you lie? Why did you pretend?

If all along you wanted it to end?

Did you want to feel it one last time

To kiss me and love me one more time?

To hold me against you to strengthen my love?

To have me thank my lucky stars above?

To ask me to marry you and hear me accept?

to kiss my lips as I wept

Then push me away when I needed you most

leave me feeling like a ghost

of who I used to be

baby can't you see

Everything I did to be with you

I did to prove my love was true

Though it's so hard

My broken heart I will guard

I'm hurting too

all because of you

Tonight's the last night

for me to fight

to be near to you

Nothing more for me to do

I'll think of what you've done wrong

For it helps to make me strong

So I don't have to feel

Maybe then I can heal

I won't hold on anymore

to your promises of forevermore

Nest one:

This is my most recent one after we got back together and right he dumped me again....this was the day I had filed the complaint and was so torn up inside with what happened to me the night before. As I was writing this poem he was right beside me in the library but he kept leaving me alone. I needed him then...... As I need him now.

So this is how I felt when he turned his back to me and I called to him. I haven't sent it to him. I don't think I will. it really is time for me to move on with my life. I'm really sick of feeling sorry for myself. thank you for your kind words. I feel as though you've been there for me in ways few people have ever been there for me. Thank you and God Bless You Jane. I know this sounds the opposite of what I may have been portraying to you but I do want Paul to be happy. I thought I could. Hell if he'd let me we could have what we once had. But since I don't do that anymore (make him happy) I am willing to let him go I love him so much Jane as hard as it is I will let him go without a fight.

poem;;;;;;

Gazing with longing at your turned back

dreaming dreams of the love you now lack

one whispered word I called out to you

My voice was filled with love so true

with one quick nod you acknowledged the sound

as if it didn't matter if I was around

I hate you I love you

My world is split in two

One part slowly dying

while the other is bleeding and crying

Rivers of love that was so pure

it flows never enduringly without any cure

For I have lost the will to fight

so slowly slowly is the dying of the light

empty and hollow is the space in my heart

the space that showed to love was an art

only so much can you or I take

I need you now darling for my sake

gazing with longing at your turned back

dreaming dreams of the love you now lack

One whispered word full of love so true

I wanted to tell you I'm so involve with you

Walking away I knew you didn't care

After all of it it just isn't fair

I hate you I love you

My world is split in two

half of me is love the other half is you

As I said I was in some state of mind when I wrote this poem. I wasn't thinking straight it seemed to flow from my heart. I didn't even have to think about it. It seemed as If I had a muse. I know that these poems are not of good quality and that it can be improved, but I'd rather leave it untouched. Imperfect,because that's how I felt at the time,you kjow? Maybe I'll get better at writing poetry. But it's a good outlet for me. Anyways what do you think? there's symbolism in this poem. I'm not saying I hate Paul. In this I feel like he was the I hate you part of me and I was the I love you. I am saying that my wrold is split in two the part with Paul is the dying one. My part is bleeding and crying endlessly.... You know what I mean? His actions such as turned back and nonchalance at the face of my plea showed how my world is split in two. Anyway that's how I felt when I was writing the poem. I think I like torturing myself, huh? Okay that's enough you might start hating me!

april 16,2004***i just copied and pasted this from emails i sent to a couple of friends... some poems are more recent than others... it's funny and bittersweet to look at myself now... in a way it's looking back in time for me... anyways First Love is a **** isn't it? By the way there's a couple more I'm hoping they didn't get deleted ( i wonder if someone hacked into my account somehow?) i've had the same 4letter password since i opened my account (stupid i know)...

jan 27, 2003

The rain starts to fall

I feel it cascade down my face

I turn my cheeks to the side

Pretending they are real tears of mine

I’ve lost the ability to cry

I’m so empty inside

Wondering where you are

I know you are so far

Far away from me

I know I’ll never see

I’ll never know

Even though

I had the chance then

to have our time again

And I’ll always wonder why

The way we said goodbye

Still haunts me in my dreams

I know someday I’ll go on

I’ll have my sad songs

To remember you by

Then I won’t cry

But for today and tomorrow

I deal with my sorrow

The always and forever is cut short

And I’m left to wonder at it all

april 16,2004

How easy is it to remember how good something was?

How easy is it also to remember the pain of that loss?

In this world made of glass--- some hearts are of crystal

even when it shatters it's beautiful...

but what is that beauty that pricks and tears for years afterward...

that circles unending... and lives on in its memories...

could the liberty of death... be worth the price of lingering in a lifetime...

could forevermore ebb and flow with the desires of a first kiss and the surrender of a final embrace...

what is this that loves and binds us, that betrays and fulfills us, that we doubt and trust everything we've ever known and reach for the unreachable...

what is this they call love and why do we fall for it every time?

okie dokie... i think i'm forcing it a little