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| How I Truely Feelshit!..i told trina i would let out my feelings so here i go...
i love him..i want him...i dont know what to do so i drink my pain away. why cant i just tell him that i've loved him since the day i started talking to him and i acted bitchy towards him bcuz i'm afraid to get close to somebody bcuz i dont want to get hurt and left even though that is the one thing i dont want and is the one thing that did happen to me...he hates me....i said i hate him but in reality i wanted to say i love you with all my heart. i dont think i believe that you cheated on me and even though you think i cheated on you with Jeff i really didnt. i want you to be with me forever... you scare me but i think the thing i'm really scared of is hurting you and myself even more than what i already have. why do i have to be so young and stupid? is this just puppi love or is it the real thing? why do i want you so bad? why is it that now we are through i want you even more than before? i just wish we could be together and have no problems but i know thats not the case since you hate me and want nothing to do with me. i really want to know why you would call me a cunt? it really hurt my feelings and i want to know why the fuck you would say something like that to me.
i hope you can forgive me....i'm going to better myself and not be bitchy...
i love you more than anything and i hope to have everything worked out... i just want to talk and let out my feelings even though you scare the piss out of me!
not being with you has changed me so much i never did any of this shit that i do now as much as when i was with you. i never made anything obvisious but now i just dont give a fuck and i say what it is that i do. i'm not just saying this shit bcuz i'm drunk or been drinking BUT I LOVE YOU!!!
but i have to move on because you hate me and want nothing to do with me...i had a wonderful time we were an "us" and an even more wonderful time when we actually got to be with each other (the whole two times)...i loved every minute of it... | | |
| My WeekWell lately I've just been so heartbroken  ...i thought we were happy  ... i thought things were going great ... we were amazing just 4 days before and then we were NOTHING! I love him still...your first love never leaves you so i guess i should just be happy that i'll always love him if we cant be together...i miss him so much..i know that we still talk everyday but i miss him, his loving self, well just everything about him!
I dont sleep that well at night just knowing that there will never be a time where he is going to be next to me to cuddle up with...he'll never be there to tickle me while i'm trying to fall asleep...he'll never be there to play with my stomach(that was fun..very tickley)...he'll never just be there the way i want him to...I cant get thoughts of him out of my head (not that i want to)...i dont know what to do bcuz i'll see him in like 21 hours!! and i know i'll just want to give him like the biggest hug when i first see him like i did everytime i got to see him but i know i have refrain from doing it even though i'll really really want to! I'm really happy that i do get to see him nonetheless i'm nervous to see him
"I wake up and tear drops
They fall down like rain"
"Punch the clock
Head for home
Check the phone, just incase
Go to bed
Dream of you
That's what I'm doing these days"
**Just bits and pieces of a song that i've been listening to that definitely reminds me of him** | | |
| My WeekThis past week has been umm crazy...well Friday we *&* Bo broke up, i worked, and sat around then Anthony talked to me and i was happy but then again sad....Saturday (Christmas Eve) i had to work then i went to my Great Grandmas house and my nephew had opened all my presents by the time i got there. i was really cute. A bird got in the house and my Grandma about had a heart attack.....Sunday (Christmas Day) again i had to work then i went out to my Uncle Brians house for Christmas. The family played Family Feud (well the little kids played in the basement..little as in under 12 bcuz thats mainly what my dads side of the family is kids 12 and under). I went home early so I could spend some time alone and just think. Monday i just sat around in my PJ's all day....Tuesday i went shopping with Heather *&* Jordan and i picked out a really cute shirt for Jordan then we went to Jordans and i tried to play the XBox 360 but i couldnt figure it out but then we went to NPlay and me *&* Heather played the Jurasic Park game (it was pretty much amazing)....Wednesday i had to work at 6am and i didnt sleep all that great but eh it happens....Thursday i worked again at 6am and i stayed up talking to Bo and then Caitlin on the phone. After work i went to the mall and got a pair of boots and i'm extremely happy bcuz i looked EVERYWHERE for them (kinda funny that the last place you look is where you find what you want...haha makes me laugh bcuz if you found what you want you dont need to look anymore so obvisiously its going to be the last place you look for them)....So today i worked yet again and i've been on a commenting frenzy today which is really weird bcuz i dont really send that many comments....now i'm just sittin here and kinda bored.. | | |
| Working Things Out!Ups *&* Downs, Ins *&* Outs things always have a way of changing in an instants notice... I'm so happy that we talked and i now know...IT MAKES ME EXTREMELY HAPPY KNOWING THAT WE CAN TALK! I absolutely love Bo and I dont ever want to piss him off this much again..I really hope he knows that. I JUST WANT US TO STAY HAPPY and i really want to build his trust back up and build the love back up between us!
Christmas is on its way in 4 days and me *&* Bo made an agreement to not get each other anything but I dont want to take his gift back like he told me to.. so I'm going to give it to me him anyways.. I just hope he doesnt get mad about it... I want him to have it no matter what.
I start work tommorow instead of Saturday.. So I work Thurs-Sun (spending the holiday weekend alone   .. not quiet sure how i feel about that yet) and i work the 4-8 shift all 4 days.
Anthony~I know I've thanked you so much lately but I can't stop wanting to thank you.... i cant help it!! i love you *mwah!* | | |
| This Amazing WeekendWell this weekend was awesome! Friday night we beat East Peoria in basketball!! Wallenfang fouled out AGAIN! Then i went home and talked to Beth for a little bit on the phone then i went to bed but woke up at 1:30 to go with my parents on the paper route. Saturday i got up from a wake-up call at 10:45 from AJ to see when Anthony was coming to town. I went to hang out with all them at like 4 then about 8 we went to the mall to meet up with Anthony. When Anthony finally got there about 8:55 me n him went to Johns then Josh's then Me, Anthony, John, Billy, *&* Josh went to Jasons and hung out there watching SciFi. Me *&* Anthony just stayed up til like 3 watching SciFi then we went into the room to lay down but we didnt fall asleep for awhile... it would have helped if every time i was sleeping he would start tickling me. It was nice being able to lay, hang out, and sleep with him again. We woke up at like 5pm and went to the mall.. we drove around for a bit then went back to Jason's hous and hung out over there for a bit then we came to my house and he met my parents and we went to my room and talked for a lil bit but then he left....well i had an amazing time with him and its only 12 days til i get to see him again!
Anthony~thank you so much for coming down this weekend.. i had loads of fun with you. i missed you so much and i'm happy that i got to see you. i love youso much and i cant wait til we see each other again in almost 2 weeks..i love you past the extreme and much much more! | | |
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