Kids

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:19:48 GMT

Sometimes, I wonder if I am a good parent. It's not like I turn the television on and say, "Watch it, daddy's got to go out for a little while." I don't leave them in hot cars by themselves, and I never, ever dress them in clothes with their first name embroidered on the front. Still, I sometimes wonder if who I am - the things that I do, and believe - makes me a bad parent.

Sometimes, the small things in life seem unimportant to me. I always seem to forget about the moment, because I am too interested in what's happening two weeks from now, or whenever. I'm tired because of the constant pace of my life, and this affects doing things with my kids. There are many days when we don't go swimming, or go to the park, or whatever, because I am just tired.

I also have a very difficult time really telling people how I feel about them. Now, I can tell my daughter and son that I love them - and I do so a lot. I can kiss and hug them. My fear is that my relationship with them will become like my relationship with my father, where I don't really know anything about him - where we talk every couple of months, but nothing ever gets said. I am afraid that this will be me 20 years from now, wanting to say everything but stumbling over even the most simple of words.

And finally there are times when I see no hope in anything. I see such evil in the world, and I feel guilty for bringing my children into it. They're so nice, so innocent. And someday they are going to have to learn that not everybody who smiles at them is their friend, and that people won't like them because of their own insecurities.

This hurts me the most. Knowing that someday my daughter and son will be too embarassed to do the things they find joy in.

Pray for me, for them, and for everyone else.

B

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Kids