I am so tired of hurting. These pains just won't go away and the worst part is I can't even describe to you what they feel like or where they are coming from. But it hurts and it's dark and it really scares me.

It feels like I'm never going to get over this. And that's so cliche but to be honest...I understand now what people mean when they say that.

Fuck I am so selfish. I have so many things to be thankful for in my life. The opportunity to go to school, a place to live, food to eat...yet I still feel empty. Bitter. I am not myself lately. I have had things come out of my mouth that I never even thought of saying in high school or even last semester. "You can keep your friendship, I don't want it." Why am I pushing away what I want the most? Or is it what I want the most? I wish I could just give my all in theatre. But I don't even feel like that would help me right now. What is it I need to make me feel whole again? I hate admitting this but I left a part of me with Josh. I FUCKING WANT MY LIFE BACK YOU BASTARD. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to be social again. I want to be happy again and not just fake it.

I need to go to church I think. God has given me so many huge signs lately. Scary ones, too.

I feel like no one wants me for ME anymore. Josh never did I don't think. He was "never in love with [me]," and that's a direct quote. A year goes by and he fails to mention this? Thanks asshole. But I should keep in mind that I was miserable with him. But that was when I felt like I can do better. I am such a mess. Enough ranting. Study time.

Ok. Starting over. A new chapter in my life has begun, and I must admit...it's not very exciting, or happy, or even good. I have such a horrible time talking about my feelings with my friends specifically, so this is about the only way I can express myself and still believe that my feelings are valid. So here goes:

September of this year, my first long term relationship (lasted about 1 year) ended. And it wasn't pretty. We were living together and we had be having problems, though I thought most of the pieces were getting put back together. After some fault on both sides, and a lot of yelling, we decided not to be together anymore. He came home in a drunken stupor (habit for my ex) and said I he and the owner of the house we lived in said I had 2 weeks to find somewhere else to live. Funny that he said that because the owner of the house we lived in told me I wouldn't ever be kicked out...And I later found out that my ex was wrong in saying that I had to leave. But anyways, I left. That night. For 2 weeks I had nowhere to live. I packed up all my clothes in my car and my essentials and was a nomad. I floated between 2 friend's houses and even had to drive to Topeka and back to Overland Park 4 or 5 of those days. So I lost several hundred dollars to gas and having to eat out all the time. Not to mention putting quite a few clicks on the odometer...and my car can't handle that very well. Needless to say, while I think that hating people is a very bad thing...he is the closest to pure hatred I have right now. Everytime I see him or think about him or see something that reminds me of him, I want to scream. Yet, funny how this works, figure this out: I've gone on several dates since it ended and I can't fucking move on. I can't get myself to trust again. I was burned, really bad. And I didn't deserve it. Yes, I was talking to someone else while we were dating. But the guy I was talking to and I NEVER got together. NEVER had sex. And we never will. My ex decided that was cheating on him. Perhaps if he didn't go out so often, get drunk so much, tried to understand me better, then maybe I wouldn't have thought I needed to find someone else. So as you can imagine, I was ready for the break up. But I wasn't ready to be thrown out. Or for the emotional repercussions of becoming single again. I am so very alone here. I have a wonderful roommate though. One of my best friends from high school. She's in a similar boat with being alone, and she is always busy with school. So I'm usually sitting in our apartment by myself, doing homework, watching TV, crying quietly in my room. Ya know, the usual.

This is my cry for help, my friends. I need you. Bad. Please come see me. Stay with me. We have a futon and a really comfy couch. You are always welcome here. I stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning all the time anyways because I don't want to fall asleep. Because I know when I wake up I'll still be alone. Ugh I hate sounding so desperate. But I am.

I don't know who still reads these. Or if anyone will read this. But I'm really scared. I haven't felt this alone and this terrible since middle school. If it wasn't for the few people I do know here, I don't know what I would do. I know your lives are busy. I know KC is an hour or more away for most of you so I guess I'm not surprised I haven't had any visitors. Here's the funny thing...I know people have been close. Some have even called. But they couldn't wait 5 minutes for me to get definite directions for them. You know...that action meant a lot more to me than you thought. Never think your actions don't matter...they affect someone somewhere nearly everytime.

 I live less than 10 minutes from the plaza. 10 from Oak Park mall. 20 from The Legends. 20 from Zona Rosa. There's lots to do. I just have no one to do it with.

Well that's all for now I guess. I'll try to keep up. Hope you all are doing great.

Love,

Derek

Wow...a whole 2 months since I've written in this thing. I guess I better update. But it'll be a quick one because I have to pick Josh from work. We're going on 3 months in 4 days, YAY. It's the same day I start at Johnson County Community College. OMG I'm so not motivated to write in this right now. Here, bulleted facts to get to the point:

-Car had to be repaired again, took out a $1400 loan. Ouch.

-Josh and I are doing fine.

-I have to pay between 200 and 300 dollars for text books this semester.

-I started a job at Target on January 2nd. I hate it. I work at 4AM until 2:30PM 4 days a week and I want to kill myself when I'm there. When school starts, they are going to make me work 4-11 on the 3 days I have school, and 4-2:30 on the days I don't. I'm turning in my two weeks sometime this week. I can do better.

-Forensics tournament is coming up soon and I'm judging. I can't wait...It will be a welcome release of built up tension. I love picking out the faults of people when it's valid.

-I am so freaking tired ALL the time. But that's not new.

I love you all. Please call me, I get lonely. It's really hard for me to go to Josh's friend's parties all the time because it makes me so homesick. It's really hard. I miss everyone so much. I can't wait to start school. Another welcome tension release. Goodbye Target!

Once again, I love you all.

~Derek~

So...I guess since I have a new pic up that says "boyfriend" on it, I should probably write a new entry. Yes, the boy that had lost all faith and hope in relationships and the like has finally found someone. And this someone is INFINITELY more compatible with me than anyone I've ever dated. We've been together 3 weeks as of today. He lives in Overland Park...we met over Fall Break through friends. His name is Josh if you haven't gathered that from the caption on the pic. Um...if you want to know more just let me know. But all you really need to know is that he is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and he is one person that I will ALWAYS want to know more about. He's...perfect. YAY! I'm SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. So...I might transfer back up to Washburn for next semester. It isn't set in stone yet, but it's a definite possibility...WSU really isn't all that wonderful. Musical Theatre here isn't turning out as wonderful as I expected. I think it has something to do with an organizational problem...but yeah. I'm not getting the training I need. I need more intensive individual one-on-one training. And I'm definitely not learning a damn thing in acting. Ballet is a nightmare. Tell me folks that have taken ANY dance class, particularly ballet: Is 30 people too many? Cause that's how freaking big my class is and it pisses me off. Ok, 'nuff said. I love you all. Write comments. College folk, facebook me if you haven't. High school folk: I love you. See you soon. Break legs cast of Guys and Dolls. I hope to make it Friday night but if not, I apologize...I have tons of shit going on. Family is having Thanksgiving on Friday night. Josh's mom's baby shower is Saturday and that is a MUST...I'm going to meet his entire family. Eek! I met all of his friends last weekend at a birthday party which went REALLY well. His best friend really liked me and so did the rest of them so...woo hoo. I hope his family likes me just as much. But anyways...Love you all. I'm gonna jet. Catch ya on the flipside!

~Derek~

P.S. I have STILL not drank in college. Never been drunk...BEAT THAT BITCHES!

Well...I guess I must meet the demands of my people. You ask, and I shall deliver! After 19 comments on my last entry, most of which said "WRITE MORE, RIGHT NOW!" in nutshell...I decided maybe I should...Brace yourselves. This is going to be a long entry.

So I guess I can do a brief fast forward...

I was in Once Upon a Mattress this summer with Topeka Civic Theatre and it was way fun. Loved it. Miss it. Done.

I volunteered for the Topeka AIDS Project Gala. Loved it. Will do it again next year. Done.

I moved to Wichita to attend Wichita State University as a Musical Theatre Major on August 14th. It was raining. The entire week. Don't miss that part much. Done.

OK. So now the fun and interesting stuff that takes much more detail and time.

Where to begin...Well I am living on a Fine Arts Floor. My roommate is from Kansas City and yes, he is STRAIGHT ladies and gentleman, and I honestly think I couldn't have been put with a better roommate. He is very respectful and just all around a really good person. So the roommate situation is A-OK. Done.

As far as other people on my floor, things are going pretty well. We're becoming kind of a cult in a way...haha. We all go to meals together, go to the clubs together, watch movies...it's really a pretty good little community of people. There is already tension building, and I, of course, am the one that everyone comes to for advice or just to talk to. Which is fine, I totally love the fact that people trust me enough to talk to me about things. And I only tell other people what I feel is necessary. So I can see tension developing already, which is not good...but hopefully it'll subside.

As for school itself...well, ok. I'll start with the classes I'm taking: English Comp. 2, Music Theory 1, Acting 1, A Cappella Choir (big choir that I have to be in), Chamber Singers (select ensemble that I won't be in next semester cause I hate it!), Aural Skills 1 (which is like sight reading and singing and partnered with Music Theory), and Ballet 1. So...granted that none of my classes require a lot of brain power, they require a lot of me physically. My MWF classes start at 9:30 and ends at 4:00 on MW and 2:30 F, and TuTh starts at 8:30 and ends at 1:30. I am EXHAUSTED by the ends of all of my days and I take naps nearly every afternoon. It's really bad...I am still not sure how I feel about my classes. All for now. Ask questions, get answers my loves. Done.

Jobwise...I haven't found a "real job" but I am getting paid to sing in a church choir which amounts to $200 a month for about 10½ hours of work...which is wonderful. It's a beautiful church, very small congregation, the choir is like a total of 10 people with me and the 3 other people on my floor that sing in the choir with me. Oh the stories...they could take up a whole entry. When I get the motivation I'll do it.

Boywise...Oh heavens, another full entry. And I don't have the emotional capacity to type it all out right now. Let's just say things have been really hectic. I am still single but I really think I met a guy that I want to know more...but he doesn't want to date. And it shattered me. That's all you need to know. I can't type more right now.

Partywise...Yeah bitches, I still haven't drank. WHAT NOW! And I probably won't. WSU is a pretty dry campus over all. Everyone does their drinking off campus (with the exception of some done on my floor but I just stay away from that cause it's BAD) and I really don't have the desire to at this point to drive clear across town for liquids...so oh well. I go clubbing every once in a while. But that will be done as of last weekend. I am in Topeka right now so I might visit the club here to say hi to some people, but after that, I am not going to Glacier in Wichita for a long time. That's where you meet boys that break your heart. lol. I'm dumb. I know. Done.

Ok, so I want letters and shit from you guys...I don't want to post my address on here, but please IM me AIM: Greentiger22 or email me at smartee66@hotmail.com or for the college folk, facebook message me and I'll give you my room number and stuff. I love you all. Hope you enjoyed this. Ask questions if you want to know more. Bye loves.

Peace be with you. Love sucks.

~Derek~