|
| Around 2:00 or so, I couldn't help myself. I broke down and called him.
As expected, he didn't answer. But, he did call me back about an hour later.
I guess he's in some sort of trouble and can't be on the phone, so he called me on his way to practice.
I worried that maybe he wasn't really in trouble. But why would he lie to me about it?
And he chose to talk to me the rest of the way to the school instead of getting off.
The conversation went fine. I think I can breathe a sigh of relief.
I just need to play my cards right from here on out. I don't want to lose him.
He said he'll probably not be able to talk on the phone the rest of the night,
but he'll get online and message me from there if he can.
If not, I will talk to him tomorrow, I'm sure. I'll text him in the morning to say have a good first day or something.
I need to get ready for my first day. I don't know what I'm going to wear.
| | |
| This weekend was everything I thought it would be.
Well, we didn't go skinny dipping, but besides that, it was great.
I'm actually glad that we didn't have sex. The closest we got was Saturday night.
It was after Spanky and his girlfriend left, and Kegan's parents were asleep.
We started making out on the couch,
and I ended up on top of him.
We basically had the most intense dry sex I've ever had.
It was incredible,
and I know he liked it.
Having sex at this point would be moving really fast.
Especially when I'm not really sure where we're at.
And speaking of that,
I'll get the bad parts of this weekend out right now.
They're the only one's I'm worried about.
And I'm not sure how much time I have to stay on here.
So I need to get them down.
Everything was great until Saturday night, after we messed around.
I think it was because I was so tired.
But I think it also had something to do with the fact that it bothers me so much.
Regardless, I brought it up.
The stuff I mentioned in the last entry.
Mind you, we'd talked about it before, on the phone or whatever.
I pretty much told him what I was concerned about, in the best way I could at the time.
He told me he didn't worry about things and didn't think I should either.
He told me that I should know that he loves me.
And if something was wrong, he would tell me about it rather than avoid me.
I told him that I wouldn't bring it up again.
That I was sorry for worrying,
but talking to him about it helped me.
And it did.
But then, the next morning, everything was going alright.
Kegan was really tired,
and you can't really blame him.
He played a football game Friday night and tubed all day Saturday, then stayed up late.
We were just hanging out, but then we went outside to swim.
My hair looked really cute, our swimsuits matched, and I wanted to take a couple pictures.
He didn't want to. He said we would take them later.
But I didn't want to because my hair would get wet and I'd look bad.
How big of a deal was taking a picture with me?
I ended up throwing a huge fit over it. We fought about it.
I cried and acted like a baby over the whole thing.
He ended up giving in and we got a good picture.
But the point is, I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't want to be the "pain in the ass" girl,
and I know I was for a little while there.
I just hope he can get over it.
When we got inside, he took a short nap.
I couldn't help myself.
I went through his phone.
There were some texts with a girl named Bri.
Now, I know that they aren't more than friends.
They're like Jeff and I. I talk to Jeff about my Kegan worries.
And he's doing the same thing.
It's not an issue of worrying about him cheating,
or even liking another girl.
It's just the actual thing, that there is a problem.
And the texting had taken place before we went outside, and I didn't even know.
So I probably made the situation worse, completely unaware of what was going on.
Basically, she sent him a message asking if he was ok.
Which lets me know that they talked before, probably Saturday night after I went to bed or Saturday morning before I got up or something like that.
Anyway, he told her that he was fine but he really needed to talk to her later.
And he put a frowny face.
Shit.
After that, they basically just decided that they would talk on the phone later that night (last night).
Now, the problem with going through your boyfriend's phone and finding stuff out is that,
you can't tell him you did it. You can't tell him you know what's going on.
And you can't act like it's bothering you. Great, right?
After that I basically just tried to be as good of a girlfriend as I could.
And give him space.
I told him just to call me tomorrow (today) because I knew how tired he was.
He texted me part way home to ask where I was, but he didn't reply when I answered him.
Which actually isn't that weird. He does that with texting.
Later on last night, we were both online at the same time, but we didn't talk to each other.
He wasn't really on for that long. I'm surprised he got on at all, he was so tired.
But who knows. We've never really been too big on the MSN thing, I guess.
I'm sitting here waiting by the phone for him to call or text.
I really hope he does.
I mean, I don't see why he wouldn't.
But... If he doesn't by dinner time tonight, I'll probably freak out.
I just want to talk to him and know that everything is ok.
Know that the conversation with Bri last night didn't lead me and him to anything bad.
Know that we're still going to be together.
I don't know what I would do if we weren't.
We've only been together for a little while.
We've only known each other for a little while.
But I'm so used to it.
I'm so used to him.
I love him
so much.
Damn. I want to just text him.
But I also need to chill and give him space.
I need to paint my nails and pluck my eyebrows and chose my outfit for tomorrow (the first day of school).
I need to get everything around, watch the new episode of Queen Bees, call some of my friends, and whatever else can keep me occupied until I get a hold of him.
And if all that fails, then I'll call him or something.
I know I'm good enough for him.
I know he could be extremely happy with me.
I just need to stop worrying so much, and stop trying so hard.
But that's a difficult thing to do when you like somebody so much.
Looking on the bright side, his parents absolutely adore me.
And so do his friends.
I made a lot of good friends.
And they all told me I was a ton better than Sadie (his ex girlfriend of three years).
That's in my favor, because they will encourage him to be with me.
I never really met Bre specifically, so she might not be on my side.
But whatever...
I have his football jersey for the game on Friday,
so I'll have to come in contact with him sooner or later.
I'm sure I'll talk to him today though.
I just want him to stick it out for a week or so.
If he does that, he'll know that he wants to be with me.
But yeah... This isn't necessarily helping like I thought it would.
I'm going to go upstairs and start doing stuff.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Overall, this weekend was good. I had SO so so SO much fun. :)
I just have a tendency to think too much.
I had a pouty face because he wouldn't take the picture with me. It ended up turning out kind of sexy. He's gorgeous, and I have the natural sun kissed look going on.
I tried not to laugh, and it didn't turn out so well. Regardless, he's freaking cute.
There are some pictures of Alissa and Dani and I from the football game that I'll post as soon as I get them off of Facebook.
| | |
| The BeginningSo... My heart is doing great.
Just completely. :)
And it's all thanks to Kegan Scott.
I haven't felt like this in a very long time (if ever).
Although, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person in the world who could find problems with him.
He's absolutely gorgeous. He treats me like a million bucks while not being not clingy. I can trust him completely and I know he would never cheat on me. My family loves him and his family loves me. He's a good football and baseball player. And he likes me every bit as much as I like him.
What's not to love?
Nothing. A normal person couldn't find a problem with Kegan Scott.
But I'm not a normal person.
Leave it to me to feel anxious and worried about dating him.
I couldn't even really tell you why, really...
It might be because everything is so perfect and I'm not used to that. Maybe I'm convinced that something this great has to also be too good to be true... Maybe... But I don't think that's it.
I think that when it comes down to it, I'm afraid of losing him.
I'm afraid that he'll break up with me. That I'll mess something up.
And that's a bad, but inescapable, feeling.
I guess sometimes I feel like he's a little bit disinterested.
But that's probably just me being paranoid that he will be and looking for it.
Or maybe I'm just high maintenance...
On another note, this has been one of the most amazing summers of my entire life.
And the last month has been the most amazing part.
I have changed so much thanks to everything that has happened.
And mostly from the people I've met or gotten closer to.
I'm a lot different now. And I know it's all for the better.
It'll give me an edge, if you will, going back to school on the 2nd.
This summer was nothing like I thought it would be.
Yet everything I wanted it to be.
And a lot more. :)
I'm so glad I went up to Kegan's house that first weekend, when I met him.
It helped me figure out so many things.
I'm not sure he even realizes how many.
I am no longer scared for the future.
I have so many choices to make.
But none of them are scary.
They are all just exciting.
Thinking about going back to school is weird.
But it's only a matter of time and I'll be there.
Football season. :)
I'm going to make this the best year.
And I'm going to make Labor Day Weekend the best weekend.
Friday (tomorrow!): I spend my morning sleeping in, packing, and doing whatever else I need to to prepare for going to the lake. I have Aqua Therapy at 3:00, but that only takes about a half hour. Afterwards, I get ready for Kegan's game. Not only is it his first football game of the season, but it's their rivalry game against Sacred Heart... So it's a pretty big deal. My dad is driving us all up there once my mom gets out of work. I'm wearing his jersey with jeans and some jewelry I got that goes with his school colors. I'll watch the game, pray that they win, and then go see Kegan and the rest of the team after the game. I'm not sure how long I'll hang out with them, but once I'm done, I'm going back to his house. We probably won't do a whole lot because he'll be tired and it'll be the first night I stay. (You never want to pull stuff the first night. You wait for the second one, when you have to go home the next day either way, and once you have some built-up trust from the first night.)
Saturday: We wake up, have breakfast with his family, and probably go out fishing. I'm not sure exactly what the schedule for Saturday looks like, but I know we're going fishing, tubing, and swimming during the day. Saturday night we're going to a bonfire at Kegan's friend Alissa's house. I'll get to meet all of the Beal City kids, so I guess that will be cool. I think we might watch a scary movie Saturday night too. At least, I hope we do... Anyway, I do know that on Saturday night, Kegan is going to pretend he has to go to the bathroom and sneak downstairs to where I'm staying. We'll at least make out, but I'm sure more will happen. I doubt we'll have sex though. That's way too risky with his parents upstairs. However, I also know that we're planning on going skinny dipping that night. We promised we would at least once this summer, and it's basically our last shot. I'm not sure if we're going to sneak out to do it or if we're just going to tell his parents that we're going swimming and then sneak our clothes off. Regardless, I've been thinking about it and we could totally do it in the lake. It'd be hard because we'd (ok, he'd) have to be standing up, but I still think it could happen. And if we were to do it this weekend, that would probably be the best time (besides perhaps in his truck on the way to or from Alissa's)... His parents wouldn't be there, and if they did walk out and catch us naked in the lake, I could get off him and we could actually say we were just skinny dipping. Sure, we'd still be in trouble, but it wouldn't be like if they caught us naked in bed. In that situation, you can't really just say you were innocently laying there... But yeah, I don't know that we'll do The Nasty this weekend. It's moving pretty fast, so I'm reluctant, but at the same time, it'd be a good way to finish off my summer, you know? Go back to school with a little secret that I wouldn't even tell Chelsea. ;) I guess we'll just see what happens...
Sunday: Probably more tubing/swimming/fishing/whatever. At 4:00, Kegan's grandma is having a huge neighborhood dinner thing that my parents are invited to. I'm not sure if they're going to go or not, but they're going to pick me up when it's done either way. At this time I will go home and sleep for an eternity and get rested up and ready for the school year to start.
I'll let you know how it goes.
So this is it.
The beginning of the end.
And when the end is over.
The real beginning starts.
We'll see where it takes us.
I think it'll only take us to other good places.
But either way, we'll be together, right?
I hope it lasts for a long time.
School...
No use in complaining.
I just have to make the best of it.
And we all know I do that well.
So...
Here is to all the lasts, the finales, the end.
It's going to be pretty epic.
I promise.
You better get in on this.
We are going to come out a little worse for the wear, but with a story or two to tell the world.
This weekend is going to be a blast, no matter how it pans out.
I haven't been so excited for something in a long time.
It will mean more of this:
This: (horrible picture of me)
And this:
:) I told you he was great.
I want to get some more pictures of us this weekend. Where it shows how cute we both are.
| | |
| I get frustrated with myself because I update this so rarely. I know that once I start writing, and once I finish writing, I always feel better. It's just the starting part that gets me, I think... I never know quite where to begin, and I never really know what to title my entries.
Regardless, I really need to buckle down and just keep blogging, especially with school coming up. It'll help a lot.
Lately, my life has mostly consisted of being tired. I hang out with my friends just as much as I ever did, but I'm not as enthusiastic about it anymore. That's not to say I enjoy it less. It's just that I'm now as content to lay at home on my couch as I am to be off running amok. I'm lazing through the last few days of summer, soaking them up and enjoying them, but at the same time, I'm awkwardly ready to go back to school.
Oh well, that'll change when it actually comes time to think about what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to crutch through the halls and all that.
I'll update again soon though, I promise.
What's your current boy situation?
I'm dating Kegan.
How many people on your top friends have you kissed?
Three.
What would you say is your worst flaw?
Sometimes, I worry about things too much.
Done anything stupid lately?
In the last month? Yes. More recently than that? No.
Has anyone seen you in your underwear?
Yeah.
What's your favorite flavor ice-cream?
Lemon or Superman.
What does the color orange remind you of?
Orange and black, school colors...
Are fake eyelashes trashy looking?
No, people wear them for a lot of things.
Your parents tell you they're moving to Mexico?
I laugh at them. It'd never happen.
What's irritating you right now?
I'm tired, but that's about it.
Are you keeping any big secrets right now?
Nothing big.
Do you have any gay friends?
Sometimes, I wonder.
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Nope.
What are you listening to right now?
Seether, of all things.
Has anyone ever given you flowers?
Yeah, Kegan gave me 12 roses not too long ago.
:)
What color are your bedsheets?
Pink and white striped.
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yeah.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Nope.
Do you have any idols?
Sure, there are people I look up to...
Have you ever violated the dress code at school?
Yeah.
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
Sometimes.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not necessarily everyone, but most people, yeah.
Honestly, are your legs shaved?
Ehh, they could use it. Not toooo bad though.
Do you like the smell of beer?
Not really.
Is your favorite color pink?
Nope.
Have you ever talked back to a teacher?
Not really.
What do you think of gas prices?
Gas is expensive.
How did you and your number 2 become friends?
Chelsea... Well we were friends way back when we were little kids. But besides that, it was in eighth grade, at school.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
1:30 I think. I was texting and reading, but I knew I had to get to bed because I had aqua therapy this morning.
What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
Jeff is my friend.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mommy.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I don't know. I'll make some plans.
Do you like to cuddle?
Yeah.
Whats your hair look like today?
Down.
Do you have a dog?
I have three.
What color is your hair?
Brown.
Where were you an hour ago?
In my driveway with Luke and my father, talking about football.
:)
Do you drink water?
Yeah.
When is the next time you will see number 1 on your top friends?
Mitchell. Soon.
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
Nope.
How was your day?
Good so far.
Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Super straight.
Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
My mom.
Who was the last person you took a picture with?
My sister? Kegan? Idk.
Are you tired right now?
Yeah.
Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Nope.
Are you a heavy sleeper?
I would say medium. Not heavy but not light.
Where is your phone?
Right here.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
Yeah.
Are you mad at someone right now?
Nope.
Do you believe in love?
Yeah.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
Luke called and woke me up at 7:17 in the morning lol.
Are you a forgiving person?
Most of the time.
When was the last time you cried really hard?
I don't remember.
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
Why would I care if they don't have a reason?
Your ex REALLY needs you at 3 am & you have a way to their house would you go?
Probably not. Maybe. Idk. I doubt he would need me at 3:00 a.m.
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I don't know.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
I live in Alma.
Do you miss your past?
Some of it.
Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
March... I don't remember what I was doing in March.
Do you regret ever letting someone go?
Nope.
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Yeah.
Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yeah, but it also depends on their history.
Do you think people think bad things about you?
Yeah.
How many texts are in your inbox?
77. I erased it not too long ago.
Where did your last hug take place?
I don't know.
Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past month?
Yeah.
Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
Yeah.
Who was your last text message from?
Jeff.
How many TRUE friends do you have?
Enough.
Have you ever kissed anyone named Michael?
Nope.
who took your profile picture?
Chelsea.
What woke you up this morning?
Luke calling me.
Do you have the same best friends now that you had a year ago?
Yeah, but I have some new ones too.
Have you ever driven without a license?
Yeah.
Do you want someone dead?
My dog, Fluffy. She's too old.
What did you do today?
Aqua therapy. :) Read and talked on the phone a lot. Luke stopped over.
Who was the last person you hugged?
I don't know.
What's your favorite flavor chips?
Sour cream and onion.
Alcohol or drugs?
Alcohol.
Blonde or brunette?
I don't care.
Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
He's got both.
:)
Like anyone at the moment?
Yeah.
Ever had your heart broken?
Yeah.
Who do u wish u could talk to right now?
It doesn't matter.
Do you miss anyone?
Sort of.
Who's the last guy you spoke to?
Luke.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?
I've hurt people when I shouldn't have. I feel really bad about it now.
Who's the last person you wrestled with?
Probably Dalanie.
Do you listen to your friends' advice when they give it to you?
Yeah, I take everything into consideration.
What's the first piercing you got?
Ears.
What color was the last drink you consumed?
Brown. Chocolate.
Would you rather be a stripper or a garbage man?
That's a toughie...
What's your favorite survey question?
Hahah, I'm not that bad.
What is the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
I haven't been in awhile. :( I think it was Batman with Caleb and Dylan and Joseph lol.
What makes you happy?
Certain people make me happy. Football makes me happy. Good food makes me happy.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Texted and read.
Has the opposite sex been in your room before?
Actually, no. Unless you count my brother.
If you can have one thing right now, what would it be?
I don't know actually lol. I'm pretty content.
| | |
| I never know what to title my entries.I went to Sunday School for the first time all summer today. I guess I'd forgotten how much I really do enjoy it. Bottom line is, it's worth getting up early on a Sunday to go, and I want to keep going. I've told my mom I wanted to change churches, but after today, I think I like where we're at. I like having a smaller congregation. Anyway, Chuck wasn't able to make it for some reason, so his wife, Michelle, was our teacher. I guess she only found out she'd be doing it at the last minute, so she didn't have time to prepare a lesson. I'm so glad, because she set up an open day for us to ask any questions we might have. I brought up suicide, forgiveness, and baptism. I wanted to bring up sex, but my not only is my brother in the class, but so are some other younger kids. And I think, in my heart, I already know the answer.
I think, besides the issue of sex, I could be a "near-perfect" Christian. I've already given up drinking and smoking (Straight Edge), and I'm pretty good at not swearing. I have good knowledge of the Bible and everything I'm supposed to do, and I plan on getting baptized soon. I even think I could give up sex, if it wasn't for Kegan. The problem is that I've had sex with two different guys before him, but none of those experiences were enjoyable. With Javin, I was pushed into it, and with Nick, I was completely smashed. Whereas with Kegan, I'm in love. Everything is perfect with him, but not too good to be true. He's very good looking, he gets good grades, he's played two Varsity sports since he was a freshman, he would never cheat on me, he respects me (probably more than I respect myself), he treats me amazing, he buys me gifts, he's there for me, he doesn't suffocate me, my parents and family love him, I love his parents and family, and we'll probably be together for a rather long time. This is the very first thing I've had with a guy where I haven't worried about countless things, where I haven't had anything to complain about. It's the very first thing I've had with a guy that I'm 100% sure about, and I'm not stupid for doing so. I'll probably end up having sex with him sooner or later. Why? Because this time, I actually want to. It'd not only feel amazing, but it would actually mean something. We wouldn't do it often, and it wouldn't become important to us, but we would do it sometimes, and it would mean something to both us. We'd be careful about it, but we'd still do it. We discussed this last night, and he totally agrees with me. He said he's more than happy to wait until I'm ready (He wouldn't want to if I wasn't.) and we can talk about everything when I am. I don't even need to worry about it right now. The only reason I am is that I know better. Religiously, I know I shouldn't. But beyond that, I want to. It's not like I'm going to be able to give my virginity to my husband someday; I've already lost that... In a sucky situation, nonetheless. I want to have some good sexual experiences. I want to make love with Kegan. I guess for now, I'll just take my time in "being ready," and we'll see how things pan out... I'd like to think that if I was Holy in every other aspect, I'd be fine. But I don't know.
I'm going to do the quote thing again.
Maybe all one can do is hope
to end up with the right regrets.
This reminds me of the situation I was just talking about with Kegan. Even if I ended up regretting it (I don't think I would.), at least I would have done it for the right reason. Even if the worst case scenerio happened and I got pregnant, it wouldn't be that bad. My parents would take it better since it was with him. His family could actually help too since it was with him. The baby would actually be cute since it was with him. And in the end, everything would be alright, because I was with him.
The difficulties of life are intended
to make us better, not bitter.
I agree with this. You can't let the hardships turn you bitter; you can only use them to make you better overall.
You should never rule anyone, any
where out. They might just become one
of the most important people in your life.
I don't agree with this. I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble before by not ruling people out when I should have. I think that if someone is meant to be an important person in your life, you will know it. That's not to say you shouldn't have an open mind. It's just that mine has been too open.
And, sometimes despite all your best choices,
and all your good intentions, fate wins anyway.
I think if you have good intentions and make good choices, your fate will probably be good too. I've actually been contemplating the concept of Fate vs. Free Will lately. It was brought up in a book I was reading, The Alchymst, and I've been wondering about it. God has a plan for us, and I believe that wholeheartedly. But at the same time, something has to be said for free will. If your conscious decisions didn't matter, it seems like there would be no point in anything. People use fate as an excuse for doing stupid things, but that doesn't make sense. But... In the end, I have to believe in fate. That God knows what's going to happen and each of us has our own destiney. But that doesn't mean we should sit back and let things happen. We should go out and try to fulfill it, otherwise it's just stupid.
Between the tides and double wides,
she'd always stop to dream. For sometimes,
it's the quiet ones who grow up to scream.
I like this. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm a "quiet one," but I do want to grow up and be something big. It's quotes like these that inspire me.
Whenever you need me,
I'll always have my ears open,
shoulders dry, mouth filled with words,
hands with tissues, & my heart to give.
This is me. I don't know if my friends fully realize it or not, but I'd always be there for them for anything they needed.
life is beautiful. no matter how much it gets
you down sometimes. or how much you
think it screws you over. never let it go,
because sometimes, you just don't know
what you're really leaving behind.
Exactly. No matter what happens, life is definitely worth living. I know this. I wish Jazzy knew it. She tried to commit suicide a few days ago by taking a ton of OTC pills. She's been in the hospital ever since, but it's starting to look like she'll be alright. I really hope she comes to live with us when she gets out. I'd share a room with her and take her around school and stuff. We might go visit her today.
i've been kicked to the floor, i've been knocked
off my feet. i've been pushed around, massacred
emotionally and beat. i've also rised before the sun,
seen the most beautiful views. but most of all, i got
back up and didn't lose.
I want this to be me. Like I said, I wanna be somebody.
we've made our way, you and i. and where
other's walk; we like to fly.
Kegan. I find it hard to believe that many other people feel the way we do. It's perfect, and it's going to last, and we're going to love every second of it.
always love;
hate will get you everytime
I'm learning to become more of a forgiving person.
our days would be happier if we gave people
a little bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind.
True. I want to do that.
I fall back on the bed surrounded
by laughter of newfound friends.
I realize sometimes happiness doesn't
lies with those who know you best,
but those who don't know you at all.
I love strangers. Seriously, they're the best. It's great to start over with somebody.
should have known that this would come and go
with you and all we'll get is just the afterglow
when summer fades to fall
Gary, last summer.
Someone will always catch you when you fall, & it won't always be who
you thought it would. The people you think love you most might watch
you fall, wait, & then congratulate you when you find your own way back
up. This doesn't mean they love you less; they just know that you're stronger
than you give yourself credit for
I like this. I can't think of a specific example where I relate to this... Maybe Chelsea, Idk... But, I like this.
You show people what you're willing to
fight for when you fight your friends.
I'd stand up for them any day.
| | |
|
