Sometime this last late winter/early spring, Aaron and I got a bit devious. Cherith loves to peel eggs, and we wondered what she would do if we gave her a raw one to peel. Here's the results.

The subject of infertility is a very touchy subject. One where walls are quickly shot up, defenses stated, and offenses taken. Having a very close friend who has gone through 4 and a half years of TTC, it has been my desire to understand and support their desires and choices to the best of my ability. I love them very much and would never dream of judging them for the way they are following God's leading in their lives.

Recently, I asked a group of ladies who are TTC to expoud a little on their situation. To help those of us who have not gone through long times of infertility to understand their place in life. I was very grateful for all of their answers. I cannot even begin to put into words how much it helped me to know better how to relate in that area.

There are a few things that were mentioned that I would like to comment about. I am too chicken to comment on Crossings for fear of opening a can of worms within the MWF. The last thing I want to do is start an ongoing discussion where others cannot "feel" the speaker, but read the words in the wrong tone of voice. And I hope, truly pray, that these words are not read with a voice of anger or condemnation. It is not my goal to judge, condemn, or offend. I simply want to give a little perspective from the other side of the fence. Lord, season my words with grace and love.

On the subject of mothers "complaining" about pregnancy and the trials of motherhood while the TTC lady would give anything just to be pregnant or have a child:

We all have dreams and desires and we all have to die to them (whether permanently or temporarily). You dream of having a child. We dream of a body that is not run by sleep deprivation, imbalanced hormones, aching joints, and missed showers and naps. We dream of doing something because we want to, not because we have to. We dream of the body we desire to have again. We dream of a clear kitchen counter and decrumbed floors. We dream of uninterrupted inimate moments with our husband or even just an uninterrupted conversation. We dream of doing something "important and smart" in the world. And while these dreams may seem trivial in comparison to your dream for a child, they are still very real. They still require death to self. And death to self is NEVER easy, no matter what the issue at hand. Please do not resent us for having a hard day with the kids or for having 9 months of throwing up, falling asleep while walking, and not being able to walk, sit, or stand due to pain and discomfort. Our hard day with the kids is just as painful and taxing as your hard day without kids. It's not the difficulty that vaires, it the source of difficulty.

Having said that, should we mothers be sensitive when we're around those TTC? Yes. That is not the best time to expound on every ache, pain, and frustration. It's a common curtisy that should have been learned in childhood. If Sally wasn't invited to Julie's birthday party, you shouldn't spend hours talking to Sally about the party. However, be prepared. If you ask us how we are or how our day went, expect that answer to reflect the fact that we have kids or are pregnant. That doesn't mean we need to expound on it, but it will mostly likely reflect the mood of the kids, or the state of the pregnancy. That is, unless you'd like us to just smile and say "fine" every single time.

On the subject of Mother's Day:

I can imagine that Mother's Day is a very difficult day - a reminder of where you are in life. But the fact is, whether you are physically a mother or not, it is still specificly that: Mother's Day. It is a day to honor the mothers in your life. To say thanks to your mother or those who have mothered you. If those around you are honoring mothers, please don't feel cheated. TTC does not equal motherhood no more than wanting to get married makes you a wife. I'm not trying to be insensitive, just stating a fact. That's what infertility means. It means you're not yet a mother. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. There is no reason to feel inferior for that. If you were single and attending an anniversary party, would you feel cheated that no one recognized the fact that you want to be married?

Having said that, is it considerate for others to remember those who are TTC during Mother's Day? Yes, but it isn't nessecarily a Mother's Day rule. There are some who simply refuse to attend church or family gatherings around Mother's Day. I don't judge you for that. If it's better to just not be reminded, than please don't feel guilty for "staying away". You have to do what you have to do. That's understandable and I don't hold it against you.

I think also, that Mother's Day has become sort of a day that women expect to receive. I think it's easy for us to forget that it's not about receiving, it's about giving. It's about saying thanks.

On the subject of "you don't understand becuase you've never walked in my shoes":

You're right. I don't. I don't pretend to. But the fact of life is that every single one of us, no matter how similar or different our walk in life, wears a completely different set of shoes. I will never fully understand the ins and outs of your life, and you will never understand mine. Guess that makes us even.  

On the subject of others telling you what measures you should or should not take to conceive:

I agree. It's no one's business. That's between you and God.

I hope all of this was read with the same love I typed it in. It's not my desire to hurt. Only to give a little perspective from the other side. I love every one of my TTC friends.

I have gone through a huge fierce struggle with my contentment and happiness in my motherhood. I am just now beginning to feel like I am coming to the other side. My days are happy, mostly. My thoughts are no longer of hopeless slavery. I had a great weekend alone with my husband without the kids. I'm happy again. I could sing and sing. But I don't. It feels wrong.

I have two friends that are going through horrendous emotional pain and struggle. One of them is experiencing the same hopelessness I just passed through. The other is experiencing pain I cannot even pretend to imagine as she looses the dearest to her heart in a fierce way.

How can my life be so happy and content when theirs is not? How can God bless one life with extreme happiness while allowing and willing such struggle and pain in others? How can good and bad happen in the same moment?

Just a number of days ago, I was resenting the world of their happiness and contentment. Today, I fear to rejoice in my own.