grrrrrrrrrr

fuck im not an object.

=/

so this weekend was pre tty good.

now im bumed more than ever. and that sucks a lot. i swear i cant ever say the right things or whatever. i always feel alone. even in a room full of people with a handsome boy to my side and my close friend there i still couldnt help but feel left out of the loop. i think i need sometime to myself. outside my house away from family. away from the phone and computer. im not sure how to do that or if it will ever really happen but its a good idea.

im really sunburned. ok not to bad but just enought to bother me and now that we think our aircon is broken it really is uncomfertable. i wonder if he knows how much he puts me donw somtimes. i know he means well but it gets under my skin somtimes. i really hope i get someone good to work with this summer and a good roommate when i hit the dorms

so much of my happyness is based on the decisions of others. i could have an amazong summer and freshmen year if i get placed with cool co-works and neat roommate. kinde makes me uneasy....

funny.

its really funny to read all the stuff ive written here over the years.

how life has changed.

things are even different from the last time i posted somthing. i dont cus anymore, i know i dont fail at life, i dont have to face things alone, i know i have talent in art, i have an amazing boyfriend, things are looking good.

its still confusing at times, but thats life. we learn to figure stuff out.

now is a time for choice. weather or not to stick with fair, where to go to school next year, weather or not to do my gold award.... but everything happens for a reason. i trust in god to help guid my path. my life has been filled with people who are here to support and help me. i just need to get the courage to start asking. sometimes i would rather clim a mountian or sky dive then ask for help. its somthing im working on. well to tell the truth im not working on it. my intentions are good but my attendence is bad.

i leave the country in like 26 days. am i ready? i sure hope so. its going to be less superficial this time. im not going to care about my hair or what im wearing like last time. that just took focus off of what my goal was, to learn. i just feel like this trip is going to be a lot of growing up and understanding. i hope to come back and amaze people with my photos. we will see.

i live my life on backspace. can never find the words. im in need of spring. i hope i can survive to polution.   

Currently Listening Plans By Death Cab for Cutie 02 see related

poop

this is the place where disapointment and regate colide.....

i hate night like this.

am i going to always face this alone?

I cant write this shit to save my life. I hate this fucking assignment and I hate this fucking class. She never notices me and if she doesn’t like something I do why doesn’t she just come out and tell me why! I’m always the one getting left out. Does no one want to hang around me? So busy that no one wants me. And when I mean no one, I mean no one. Mom, dad, my friends, your friends, boys, strangers….the list goes on and on. People want to be my friend for a day but a long relationship where we can learn and love on another is out of the question. Im I that awful? What the fuck did I do to every one that made it so hard to get along with me? I don’t want to change because I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. I guess people just don’t see the real me, but who can blame them. Maybe college will bring better luck for me. What it is worse? Everyone is buddy buddy with me at one moment and when it comes time to hang out and become great friends that we will talk about to our children where will you be? With me? I doubt it. Be cause who want to hang with a girl who loves art and photography will be trustworthy with all your secrets, wont stab you in the back, not a slut who will sleep with your boyfriend, person who will pull an all-nighter so you can pass an exam, girl who wont drink so much she pukes all over your car, unable to hold a grudge, girl who will say I love you and mean it with every fiber of her heart if she means it…and if I don’t, I wont lead you on. Is that really an awful person? Why can no one see what I could be? Why can’t you see?  

So here I sit all alone.