| It's been about a year since i wrote in this. I made this xanga a while back to use as an outlet for my gayness...where i can write freely about the frustrations of being a closet-case. But the past year I have completely withdrawn myself from contact with any gay people.. I guess i tried to make myself think I can be straight if I just repressed myself enough.
Too bad it didn't work.
All that repression was emotionally and mentally draining. Weed became an easy out; I didn't care about or deal with my problems when I was high. I became a major pothead..to the point where i can't get a good nights sleep unless I'm lit. This is the first night in a while that I've been sober and I guess that's the reason Im writing this entry right now.
In my sober state, I realize that i need to face reality; I love Mary Jane but she's not the solution to my problems.
What is the solution? Coming out of the closet? Dating guys? It very well may be, but easier said than done. Sometimes i wished i wasn't Korean. Korean culture is so stigmatized towards homosexuality, I dont know how Koreans ever come out of the closet. I've never seen or even heard of an openly gay Korean from my hometown or even at my college. Last week one of my closest friends told me straight up that he would not talk to me if i was gay. I didnt realize how much straight Korean guys hated gays...and lucky me.. who are most of my friends??...Straight Korean guys. I hate how these people act gay with each other. From what I've seen Korean guys love to act gay and pretend to be homos with their fellow friends, but yet they talk shit about homosexuals and criticize their lifestyle. Whatever.
I am starting my senior year of college soon and i need to figure out how im going to deal with my gayness. The way i see it, there's 2 things i can do: I can repress myself some more, start dating girls again, get married, have kids and live a straight life.
Or i can come out of the closest and finally start living my own life.
The answer seems obvious: come out of the closet and be happy. But to me, that is not the obvious choice. Both options seem equally possible to me at this point. Of course i would rather just come out..i don't want to live my life in self-denail. But how? How do you tell your friends and family your gay? How do you live as an openly gay person? How do you get over the shame and insecurites of being gay?
Yeah..this is why i hate being sober..too much thinking. Too much thinking leads to too much frustration. I need to smoke a blunt right about now.
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