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Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?
Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .
Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.
Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that
I can see,
All that I can see . . .
So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift
you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning
in your grace.
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I'm finally moving to Hollywood.
I'm a little nervous.
A little scared.
Ok...maybe more than a little.
But most of all confident in the Lord and excited to take one of the biggest steps of my life.
Here we go!
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| Whoa...holy mackarel, it is almost weird I am actually on xanga again, it is so very what's that word...nostalgic, maybe that's not quite right, haha, but hey, what the heck right?
Life has changed somewhat dramatically. I am living in Minnesota. That is overall been a privelage, being able to spend some time (more than a 10 day vacation, sorry Teen Mania, but your vacation time sucks :) haha) with family and friends.
But also making some new friends, and family. Whoa, don't get me wrong, I've been making no family, it's my sister whose been doing the making, a new niece Jayda, and a nephew on the way.
I have learned from my time with my lovely Jayda that Broc Christian is going to hold off on the whole parenting role for a couple more years :)
I don't know how much longer I'll be in Minnesota, so this time with my family has been important to me, very much worth it, and really stinking fun.
I've been working for Acquire the Fire and going out to the events on the weekends. I got a chance to be the Emcee and also be in the drama. Man, all I can say, I was really blessed to get this job. And every weekend I am constantly flabbergasted of how powerfully God uses these events in those kids lives, and the adults too. That may sound cheesy and cliche, but it is true.
These past couple months I've been searching a lot for the truth of who Christ really is, yeah, I know, join the club Broc.
Anyway, Last year I started to get kind of confused about all of it, and really questioned a lot of things I had been taught, or dare I say, indoctrinated with. haha
I definitely got to the point where I was bitter about the whole shabang, Christianity, Christians, and yes, Christians. Christianity started looking like a cute little well marketed subculture with it's own language and man made rules. It wasn't real to me, but that was my own fault, I wasn't focusing on what mattered.
But I was focusing on all the bad, being "Mr. I'm going to see everything that's wrong, be a hyprocrite and present no solutions" and who can't do that, right?
And ya know, I definitely haven't come to a big conclusion of this or that, but I think my mind is settled by the deep knowledge in my heart that God isn't going to leave me hanging out to dry if I'm truly seeking Him. We're in this together Him and I, ya know.
I think the majority of what I've learned boils down to matters of simplicity rather than anything complex and ultra theological. At this point, I've been trying to focus on putting some of the simplest commands of Christ into action, ya know, helping the poor, the homeless, the diseased, the widows and orphans, like the pure religion it talks about in James, truly loving others, or when Christ says what we do to the least we do to Him, whoa.
I've been inspired by Mother Teresa (who hasn't right), but no joke, she was doing it. Not just reading Christian books and talking about the next Christian hyped up theory of how to live. Oh crap, that's what I've been doing. Not that the Christian books are bad, I've learned a lot from all those books I've read. But man, nothing, and I mean nothing has meant more or than when I did something for other people. Not just prayed for or with them, but did something physically for or with them.
So I guess what I'm saying is I realized all the knowledge and theological study in the world is useless if I don't have the guts to put it into action in the simplest things. That we really are the way God works, through us. We are here to show people hope, and to treat people the way Jesus would, and to meet people's needs the way Jesus did. Break out the WWJD bracelets, haha, oh no. :)
Blah Blah Blah, I'll stop for now. I like this whole writing thoughts down. It's so clarifying of what's going on in your head. I just don't know how much I will share with you xanga cultists. haha | | |
| Faust, Midas, And Myself
This one's about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
Put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off
Said I've seen you here before
I know your name
How you could have your pick
Of pretty things
You could have it all
Everything at once
Everything you've seen
Everything you'll need
Everything you've ever had in fantasies
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I've never seen
With Golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don't think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
What direction?
What direction?
I'm splitting up
I'm splitting up
This is my personal disaffection
What direction?
What direction now?
I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
The Golden eyes were dead
A thought passed through my head
A heart that's made of gold can't really beat at all
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
Without a touch of gold What direction? Life begins at the intersection.
What direction now?
I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With a night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
Was now the perfect joy
You've one life
You've one life
One life left to lead
P.S. I didn't write this, it's a switchfoot song. My favorite. iF you haven't heard of the legend of Faust, you should do some research, it's a very interesting story. He was a man who sold his soul to the devil for limitless knowledge, black magic, and whatever his heart desired. He thinks about repenting, but has too much pride to go to God, and seals his fate. Although, there are different versions of the story. Broc
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| Does it ever feel like life is a format of predetermined things you're supposed to do. It's like a big fat TO DO LIST that everyone else wants ya to take care of. Forget that! I don't have the answers, but it seems life is about more. I want out of this machine It doesn't feel like freedom This aint my American dream I want to live and die for bigger things Switchfoot has strangely been one of my closest friends lately!  | | |
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