If I write you a letter,
will it make me feel better?
Why would I want to move on when you're gone?

I've been growing some lately. And failing a lot.

Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up again.

Thanks for engraining the best stuff in me, blue eyed Italian. 

But, I trust God. I do now. I love Him and I believe in Him and I've made my choice.

I could wait around for the dust to still
but I don't believe that it ever will

Truly.

Last night I prayed for each person in my family. It made me sick to my stomach. Not in the knot sort of way, where I feel like a huge ball of twine is unraveling in me. It's unraveling and I can't even wind it back up. More like the I swallowed a cow, sort of feeling. Like something absurdly heavy is lodged in my stomach. It takes up every empty space of me, and water can't even filter out of my eyelids.

It's one of those giants, y'know? One of those monsters that you can't hide from. You have to fight, because flight isn't an option. All that's left for you is to buck up and be brave. I feel like I've been staring down a lot of these monsters lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm feeling my heart physically become stronger because of it.

In my devotions this week, I've been learning a lot about trials, and having joy through those trials. Sometimes we find ourselves in desperately awful situations. Circumstances we didn't bring on ourselves. Things we don't deserve. But, we go through these things so we can become closer to God. We endure pain and suffering so we can become people who know endurance and perserverance.

We're supposed to have joy when we trudge through the trenches. If you stick through it and stay faithful to Christ, you'll come out on the other side a much better person.

My scar tissue is upsetting me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Joshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage: be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord the God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Nothing can seperate me from the love of my God.

I think the fact that Wade is in the front yard pulling weeds with my mother is proof of God's greatness.

Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
And I've been thinkin' about you,
I've been thinkin' about you.

I pray to the good Lord that my death doesn't involve a lawn mower.

I'm too hard on myself sometimes. I think I should give myself just a little credit, and remind myself every so often that there is true beauty deep inside me. I get so distracted by all of the deep roots of crap in me, and all the disgusting sickness that I can't keep from rising to the surface. Despite my mounds of imperfections and unbelievably wicked heart, there is good in me. God loves me because he can see the potential in me. He knows I'm not hopeless. No situation is ever hopeless.

I want to have an open, broken heart before God. I want to be humble, and joyful. I want His love to fill me and spill over onto those around me. Clearly, I don't have enough of my own to share.

Christ can conquer all. I've learned that. I've experienced his triumph over sin in my own heart. I believe in him. I trust him to fight for me.

I'm struggling so much with my own pride, and vanity. It's not possible to beat for good, is it?

This world is His. Not mine, and not yours. We are not what this life is about. Not our stuff, or our status, or our plans. Our existence is meant to glorify Him. To give back to him what he gave to us: everything.

Today as I worshipped at First Baptist, I was resentful. All I could think of was the praise band back at Hosanna (in Texas). I wanted to be there. I thought of James Bell, their pastor. I wanted to hear him. This morning, as I shamefully thought of these things, God taught me something. Going to church is about engaging my heart with God. It's not about the music or the staff. It's Him I go to talk to.

fine

I know someone very beautiful.

I want to see some of his heart mirrored in my own.

He's lost so much of himself. He's lost a parent.

But he's so joyful.

And I am hopeful, because someone so resilient exists.

Today, my brother gave me such an excruciatingly tight squeeze that I yelped in pain.

If I didn't get to dream of the people I love, I don't know what I'd do. The other day I laid in bed extra-extra long just to keep them with me.

My mother is an insanely hard worker.

My finger nails are long. Ultra long. They're so long that I have to be careful when handling babies.

Laundry. Definately, yes.

I've been doing a lot of good thinking lately. Much better than all that bad thinking.

I'm learning how to become a better person. God sent revelations aren't as easy to live out as they look on paper.