So I am really not sure why I am writing here....BUT I AM GAINING WEIGHT EVERY SECOND I AM LIVING....it isn't stopping and I can't take it...Then I think maybe I will measure myself...so I do. What have I come to find....my stomach is the only thing that has changed. I have grwn around the waist and its not ok....BABY?!?!?!?! I hope not...I am really thinking because I feel the same stuff again...and the throwing has been in the morning. But yesterday it was when I took a shower. The smell of the shampoo was not ok. And I threw up. And I have been eating and craving.

I hope I am just PMSing...but thats it....I was suppose to start and no sign of it. I need to just calm down. I need to just stop worrying. Maybe I am ok. I will have to go check SOON...and not with the person I was going to go with.....I need to go with someone else....I just don't know who.

UGH!!!!! I am not sure whats going on....but I hope its not as bad as I think. I just can't say anything right now....and if it is....I have a lot to plan out...alot to do....

FUCK!!!!! I need to throw up again

So I ate so much this weekend. I ate a lot of shit from TGIF on saturday and I couldn't handle it. Then I started to think about stuff from my past. And I got really upset. I began to flip out and remember a lot of shit and I guess I wanted the world to end. So today I wrote on my other xanga all about it. And I feel a little better now.

Then on sunday I had eaten so many pancakes and so much other shit. And for lunch we went to taco bell. I was so against eating fast food on the weekends for the factthat I barely eat any during the week. If I do its when I am with certain people.

And yesterday I had chinease....yeah I think that was about it. Well, in the morning I had a half a sandwich that had peanut butter and bananas, then a few cheeze its and a starbucks.

Today I decided to write here because I haven't eaten a thing and I was pissed. At first my friend asked what I ate and I was like well, I just woke up...but then I have been so busy doing this and that....then I forgot to eat. So now its about one and still nothing. But am I hungry...NOPE...do I really want to eat....actually I do...but with the fucked up car I can't go anywhere and there is really nothing here. I mean nothing. So I have to find something before my frined comes over and flips out.

Well, I am off to get shit ready for work and all.

So tell me why the fuck I couldn't eat yesterday. I mean there was no reason. I set the ten billion alarms saying to eat. I wrote it all day. I decided to make a point plan to get better....and I decided not to write here very much. But now I sit near the scale and see the fat that is me.

But the funny thing is that this morning when I got home the scale was out and well, I used it. I was not the weight I thought. I was 142. Before I was 146 again. And I would cry. But is it good that I am 142. But then after work I weigh my fat ass and I am 147. Ummm yeah so yesterday the not eating did me good. But then I begin to think....HELLO YOU FAT DUMB ASS....THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE DOING.....WEIGHING, CHECKING, MEASURING, AND WHAT DO YOU DO? UGH!!!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A FAILURE......

But then I realize I have let you down....but then I have let ana/mia down....but I don't think I want to even know of ana/mia any longer. Its been so much of a struggle and no one really knows because....well, I really have no one to talk to about it or the people who kind of know....DON'T UNDERSTAND

I am far to strong to fall back into this....and the sad thing is that there are a few people that have noticed that I am......and I didn't even realize it....so last night as I felt I was about to pass out and I felt myself shaking.....I asked for food....FUCK....maybe I can let this go....maybe all I need to do is have faith that I can.....

But how do I convince myself that letting go of ana/mia really is a good thing?

I'm so lost right now and I need someone....but I feel so alone.......

I AM ALONE

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

Before

Height: 5'4 1/2
Bust: 34 inches (lost 2 inches)
Waist: 28 inches (lost 1 inch)
Hips: 40.3 inches (lost 0.6 inches)

HW: was 152
LW: 106 (18 years old)
GW: 120 (maybe less)
CW: 150 UGH!!!!