I can't believe how insensitive I am. I'd say it wasn't my fault but who am I kidding? Everything is my fault. But you already knew that.

They say I haven't been through anything. Nothing external, anyway. Nothing other than the fact that my entire life is just a stupid mistake, the result of a biological error that never should have happened. That won't go away. Depression might go away, Singapore will go away, the people that have done all this will go away... but some things never change.

I wish I was strong. Everyone tells Tikku he's the strongest person they know, maybe that's why I'm jealous. I won't get through anything. Nothing gets better. That kind of thing just doesn't happen to me.

I'm sorry, but why me? I know I deserve everything that happens to me but WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? No one is even going to tell me that I'm worth saving, because you know what? I'm not. Plain and simple. Maybe I should stop whining about wanting people to care about me because I don't deserve it and it's not worth trying.

I don't know if I'll write here anymore. Maybe I will. I don't plan on it, but then again I never plan on anything.

I am not alone. I am not alone. I have not been abandoned. I have not been abandoned. I have not been abandoned.
I have not been
I have not
I have
I…

I am such shit. Don't tell me that I'm not. Don't... I can see you clicking the "comment" link. Don't give me any fucking eprops. Just listen to me bitch, will you? Or don't. In fact, don't, because you're just going to tell me to shut up. Oh well... actually, do tell me to shut up. If you say anything. Maybe it's better than saying nothing. Maybe not.

I thought I stopped hating myself. But no... it's not that easy, is it? Fuck all of you who keep trying to tell me that it is. IT FUCKING ISN'T. Face it, I'm shit... and chances are, so are you. Life is tough. The least we can do is complain. For those of you who are still reading (that being... no one. Yeah, no one) I'm going to tell you what I want. Not because you can give it to me, not because you even care. Because I fucking want to.

I want to be someone else. Someone who isn't a complete ass all the time, someone who doesn't have to spend their entire life as the girl no one wanted. I want to be the exact opposite of who I am now... thin, pretty, smart, funny, interesting, even nice. You know, all those good qualities that some people have? Fuck, if I were fictional I wouldn't be a very well-developed character because I have NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. I'm not even smart or cunning enough to be evil.

I don't think I hate Tikku. I wish he read this. Alex, if you're reading this (which you're not, but let's pretend) tell him to read my xanga. I don't hate him. I just hate myself and he's the image of what I wanted to be... that's all. Isn't it stupid? Yeah, I know. Stupid stupid stupid. But that's me, after all. Maybe you could tell him to stop bitching about how much he sucks, because he knows he's better than me. He's even a better writer than me, he said it himself. I tried posting some of my writing in the reviews section (just like him, what a suprise) but no one even commented. Everyone knows his is better. I'm just another little kid trying to play the victim. You'd think I'd know better by now.

Great, now I'm writing about him in every entry. How stupid. Maybe I should write about people who acknowledge my existence, for a change. Are there any of you left? I didn't think so.

This was supposed to work out fine. This was my good year. I'd found my way out of everything, my little addictions, obsessions and bouts of temporary insanity. I knew who I was... yeah, not bloody likely. I'm no better off, am I? I thought I'd go out into the world, be myself, be seen be heard. But you know what? NO ONE IS LISTENING. Maybe I am fictional. I need someone to convince me that I exist. As for being myself... that's not going to happen. I don't have an identity. I'm just a series of pretentions, each one trying to be completely different than the last. That's all my life is. Don't tell me you know me. Don't tell me my life is worth living. I don't even deserve any of it. I brought it all upon myself, after all. Believing I could get this far.

What a fucking joke.

All right, since Tikku doesn't actually read this anymore (I think) I'm going to take the liberty of talking about him. If he does read this... I really don't care.

What is there to say, really? Well, I met him at Alex's place during the summer. I had purple hair, I wanted to make new friends. He seemed different from everyone else, for some reason. We went to a movie once, I had fun, don't know if he did. Nothing. Went to see his musical, talked to him for about five minutes afterwards. Nothing. Hoped he'd go see me and Alex's play. He didn't (not entirely his fault, but still). Nothing. Saw him with a group of friends after the Christmas break, we hardly said a word to each other. Nothing. He asked me to buy him some music in London, I did and I saw him for about ten minutes when I gave that to him. He said he'd buy me some music in the US. He didn't. I talked to him on MSN one night and he said he wanted to be my friend and spend time with me. For some reason I didn't believe him.

This is just how I remember it. He probably sees it very differently. He's probably right.

I know this is a waste of time. Why do I keep trying to be his friend when he obviously wants to stay as far away from me as possible? Is it because I need for someone to care about me? (Other people already care about me, and they're nicer and more interesting than he is.) Because I need to prove that I'm not socially inept? (I already have other friends who do spend time with me. What is there to prove?) Because I need to know what I did wrong? That must be it.

If he'd just tell me what it is that I did to alienate him, I think that I'd be able to let this whole thing go. I just need to know what it is that people don't like about me, what I'm doing wrong. It could be useful to me in the future, not for our friendship (no hope left for that) but for my social life in general. Yes it's selfish and stupid, but I need to know, and I probably never will.

What do I want to say to him? Fuck you. Yes I'm an attention seeker, but guess whose attention I was trying to get? I'm sick of trying to be your friend, so suck my graceful withdrawal.

What am I going to say to him? Nothing. Nothing at all.

All right, here goes... I think I've had an epiphany. Isn't that the biggest cliche ever? It's probably not going to help me at all, and of course I doubt that anyone here is even remotely interested in it, but I might as well. Long, rambling self indulgence up ahead...

I am a genuinely fucked up person. Of course you already knew that, as did I. People who tell me that I just have to decide to be happy should have thin glass tubes inserted into their urethras and shattered. But that's not the point. The point (I think) is that I will always be like this no matter what I do. Sure, a lot of more superficial things can (and definitely will) change, but in the end I'm always going to be unbalanced, obsessive, dependent, and all those other things that you either love or hate about me. I'd get a personality transplant if I could, but trust me, no amount of "positive thinking" is going to change who I am. All right? Great. I'm glad we understand each other.

Another thing. I'm not pessimistic. I don't think I ever have been, at least not in recent memory. Yes, I can be pretty negative sometimes, but it's not as if my thoughts aren't completely based in reality. In other words, I'm not making this up. The world really does suck. People really are shit, and I really am going to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't see why I shouldn't have the right to be the slightest bit upset about that. Whining isn't just for goths anymore.

Which leads to my next "point" (if you could call it that). My real epiphany was that I really am completely alone. Not only that, but I've also realized that this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I can face whatever problems I have, and anything else for that matter, on my own. That doesn't mean I'll ever stop being dependent... I doubt that's ever going to happen. I've just realized that no matter how much I ever want to be comforted, it's never going to happen. And I don't need it. Like I said before, people are shit. Try to trust them, try to tell them anything, try to depend on them and they'll just cut you up.

All right, that's it. Also, Tikku... I'm really sick of apologizing for being myself. I know by now that you don't hate me and you don't want to make my life miserable, but whether you want to or not you're doing a pretty fucking good job of it. One-sided friendships are a waste of time, and I think I'll waste my time on something more worthwhile.

Thank you.