| "I lived it and I'd like to prevent it"It was freshman year, 2003. This was my third school to be at during that particular year. I nervously shuffled from class to class in hopes of meeting what I hoped would be new friends during my first day there. The hours to lunch slowly passed as if time had decided to sit itself out for a break. As my IPC teacher slowly babbled on and on about things I had learned in the first semester at my other schools, I watched the clock intently. Finally, a bell. I rush to the cafeteria only to be overwhelmed by the massive number of students. As I walked slowly across the cafeteria in hopes that someone that I'd seen in one of my earlier classes would ask me to sit with them, I saw a place in the corner that looked vacant, so I headed on over. Slowly, people of all kinds began pouring to the corner. I'd taken their "spot."
After what seemed like an eternity of awkward glances, a girl finally came over and sat next to me and asked me to come with her and her friends. They seemed like the sort of people I could be good friends with. Over the course of the next few weeks, I continued to sit with them as we talked about all sorts of things. Our conversation topics ranged from the overly expensive cafeteria food to why cats always land on their feet to ways of performing neat card tricks. Oh yes... these were definitely my people. Darbye, the only girl in the group that was in my grade, began dropping hints about her interest in my companionship. After a few days, I gathered the courage to ask her out.
After an evening at the movie theatre and a quick bite after, we headed back to my house. In the car, we sat in the back seat as her friend drove us home. Darbye was leaning in close and startled me as her hand crept down to unbutton my pants. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was terrified, yet excited at the same time. She extended my hand to her pants which had already been unbuttoned. As we pulled up to my house, we quietly buttoned our pants back up and headed inside my house so that she could meet my mother. After a quick "hello and goodbye," Darbye strutted out of the door. I watched, confused about all that had just happened.
The next date came just a week later. It went by quickly until... it happened again. Then we went on another date... and another, and another. The dates passed like sand in a violent, desire-driven sandstorm. Finally, the day had come. Summer was approaching quickly and we wanted more than just our hands could provide. Darbye and I watched a movie in my room for a while, starting with what we were used to. The door was locked. Clothes were removed. My virginity was lost. As we quietly put our clothes on, I glanced at her, feeling somewhat accomplished and still confused. Why me? Is this normal? Does everyone do this?
"...The two will become one flesh."
-1 Corinthians 6:16
Summer came quickly. Darbye and I went to Six Flags Over Texas at Arlington and visited my pool quite often to provide refuge from the dull, scorching days of summer. Just over two weeks after our experience, Darbye's mother decided that it was time for them to move back to their hometown in Utah. They quickly packed their things and within just a period of a few days, she was gone. I had no way to contact her.
After nearly a month, I received an instant message from Darbye. She was okay living in Utah and had met another guy. She noted that she intended to share the same experience with him as she had with me. This left me feeling used, to say the least. In a rage, I angrily cursed at her until I was sure she'd never come back. My plan worked.
Oh no. I'd forgotten to ask her a few questions before I pushed her out of my life forever. Had she gotten pregnant? Did she have any sexually transmitted diseases? I had never asked her and there was no way to tell now that she was gone. For days, I tried e-mailing her over and over again. I tried getting her new phone number from old friends, but to no avail. I conducted internet searches for relatives there in Utah, but I was again left with nothing. I moved to another house at the end of the summer and lost my old phone number. At this point, Darbye had shut down her e-mail account along with all of her instant messaging accounts as well. She was gone and I had nothing left to do but try to forget.
I began a relationship with a girl over the internet by the name of Stephaney. It was unstable, to say the least. We never stayed together for anything longer than a month. It was on and off for a period of 8 months. I'd had enough and so had she. We ended it and I began looking for another girlfriend who lived closer to me. I was so successful in my search that I eventually began cheating on one girl with another in order to satisfy my own sexual desires again. Eventually, both found out and I was alone again. The school year ended and so did my stay at that address.
So began my summer in a rural town with no friends. Over the summer, I spent my time building my website and meeting hundreds of new people via the internet. I secluded myself from the people of my own city. That is, until the school year began. I enrolled at school for my junior year and was told to begin riding the school bus which passed through my neighborhood. This is where I met Kimberly, a petite, friendly freshman. She got off before I did in the afternoons, which meant that I got to see where she lived. I came to her house and we began taking walks... talking. After nearly two weeks of this, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She agreed and we continued seeing each other almost every day for the next several months. Our relationship began fading quickly as problems arose as a result of the decisions I'd made about sex and the decisions I continued to make by continuing to regularly view pornographic materials in an effort to satisfy the same desires I'd felt from years before. It all finally ended after nearly 8 months.
I was quick to pursue any new relationship that came in hope that it would bring me closer to sexual satisfaction than the last had. I began dating anybody that would talk to me. I briefly dated Angelica for one day and realized that she was meant to be no more than a friend. I moved on quickly again to meet Liz, a fun, yet intellectual girl. Our relationship ended after just a month and a half as I lost my patience and slowly began to realize that I had only been interested in her friendship. Nobody could satisfy my selfish, lustful desires.
As summer began to reach its peak, I sparked a romantic interest in Breanna, a friend that I'd met through Kimberly. We dated through the summer and grew a bond much deeper than my sexual desires had ever brought me. She learned of my past and explained to me that she was not that type of girl. I was glad. As the summer ended, my mother told me that we were moving again. Both Breanna and I desperately wanted for me to stay in Huntsville, but I had no choice. We continued our relationship over a 300+ mile distance. Distance is the key word. As much as I wanted to deny it, the distance was hurting our relationship. Every day that we spent apart was weakening that bond we'd spent so much time building. Finally, I snapped and let my sexual desires get the best of me again.
My guilt built within me as fear of losing her began to become a reality within my mind. She came to me one day with a verse she felt I should hear:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
After over a month of hesitation, I decided it was time to tell her of what had been troubling me. After even more last minute hesitation, I came to the realization that I could not hide this secret forever. The words oozed out of me and stuck to her like super glue. I knew they hurt her more deeply than anything else that I had ever said and probably ever would say to her. I could feel it. After a back and forth conversation that seemed to last for days, Breanna decided that it was to be forgiven. Because of her love for me, because she knew we were meant to go far, because of her understanding of what love is, she forgave the worst sin I could've committed against her. Instead of giving up, despite my knowledge that this was truly meant for her and her only during marriage, she forgave my sin against her. But wait, please. This surely is not the end of our troubles.
After just over five months, I moved back to Huntsville to live with Angelica and her mother. This meant I'd be seeing Breanna much more often. As our relationship began to grow again, she introduced me to Jesus Christ. As I struggled to understand, Breanna guided me through to understanding. After over a month of debating, I realized at an early morning sermon that I had been trying too hard to understand and that the answers had been right in front of me all along. I looked around in a whimsical manner, confused, happy, terrified, but most of all, I was grateful. Our relationship continued to grow spiritually at an even faster rate because we had been hampered before by my efforts to live my life selfishly, without guidance, without wisdom, and most of all, without the strength only faith in God can provide.
As I scoured the internet for information one day, I came across several important webpages, including an obituary for Darbye's mother. I immediately began searching for any possible link to Darbye. I looked up phone numbers, addresses, e-mail addresses, anything I could find that would bring me closer to those answers. Nothing brought me closer. I gave up on my search until I, one day, got the brilliant idea of searching for Darbye via MySpace. IT WORKED!
This is where our story ends because I, nor any other person on this earth, knows what the future holds. Breanna and I are anxiously awaiting a reply from Darbye, hoping that God will continue to keep us together.
Don't let sex tear you apart. Abstain. I promise to you that it is worth it and that the consequences are not.
"Be very careful, then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
-Ephesians 5:15-17 *UPDATE*
I have received a message from Darbye. We now know that she never was pregnant, but that's only by God's grace that I was saved from losing Breanna. I had never expected to meet Breanna or be in a serious relationship at all. Even though having sex might seem like a great idea at the time, it almost never turns out for the better later in life. |
