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| This is exactly what xangas are for. Something just happened, and it made me sit straight up in my seat and say (out loud) (loudly), "Oh my God! Oh my God! I love him! Oh my God!" However, it was not the usual 'I love him' that comes from my mouth. Let me explain: I was driving to Orange County to see Vicious Circle tonight, and on the radio I heard a live version of a song. The lyrics really struck me, because the song is pretty much about what I'm going through right now. I didn't know who was singing it, though. The lady who was interviewing him said "Daughtry," and I was like, oh, well that sounds familiar so I'll be able to remember that and look it up later. So I was on the computer and I remembered to look up the song. I went to Google and typed in the lyrics I remembered and typed Chris Daughtry after them, and found a song called 'Home.' I downloaded it and fell in love with it, and then I looked up Daughtry on MySpace, and found his page. UM... I FREAKED OUT when I saw that it was Chris Daughtry from American Idol! I KNEW I recognized his name! And I got so excited! I was really upset when he didn't win. And now I'm in love with one of his songs! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! And since this story wasn't interesting enough to actually tell anybody, I decided to just type it in my xanga and be excited for myself. Yay, Chris Daughtry!!! | | |
| So, I'm in a slight predicament. My list of five has been the same for quite some time now. It was originally a list of 7 or 8, and I had to narrow it down to 5. So these are truly the best of the best. But now, Brendon Urie has sidled his way to the top, and there's no room for him in the list of five... I don't know who to kick off. 1. Nick Carter 2. Adam Levine 3. Jon Garland 4. Paul Walker 5. Josh Duhamel Now. The first 3 are staying no matter what. They're not going ANYWHERE, because I love them. Haha. Paul Walker and Josh Duhamel are of the same hotness rating, but I've seen Josh in a sex scene and it was incredible. HOWEVER, Josh has been inside Fergie... and I don't really know that I'd want that touching me... I'm inclined to say that Brendon should take the place of Paul Walker, but then that leaves Paul Walker off the list and that's not acceptable. I suppose this isn't a dire emergency, seeing as I'm currently single and have no one to answer to, but it's important. I think for now I'll just add him as number 6 on the list of five. And then I'll tell my next boyfriend that I'm allowed 6 because I couldn't choose. Or maybe I'll have an alternate. 1. Nick Carter 2. Adam Levine 3. Jon Garland 4. Brendon Urie 5. Paul Walker/Josh Duhamel | | |
| I just looked at that one picture of me and Vic on the monorail in Disney, and it was so weird to me. Looking back, that time in my life seems so surreal to me. I saw myself in the picture, and she was a totally different girl than the one I am now. I looked so happy, and so content with the way everything was. You can see that nothing else mattered to me at that moment. I was just happy. I don't remember what that's like. I could if I let myself, but I won't let myself remember that time. I could be making a mistake in doing that, but it's less painful now. Every once in awhile I'll remember that I'm sad, and I'll be sad about a specific thing that I won't get to feel again. See, right now I'm already shying away from the subject because I don't want to be sad. Eventually I'll have to be sad for as long as it takes to not be sad anymore, but I'm hoping I'll just get lucky and be allowed to take the easy route this time. I already know from experience that that's not how things work when you're trying to fix a broken heart. I don't really have a broken heart right now. I have a taped heart. That's only going to last for so long, Jules. I figure when I go home the tape will come off, but I have plans to avoid anything that will upset me. Which may come as a challenge since I'm coming home for a certain someone's special day, but I will try. I'm just so scared. I'm afraid to lose the person I love, but I know I can't be with the person I love. So I'm scared to fall in love again, and I'm scared to get my heart broken again. And I'm scared I might fall in love with the wrong person. And I'm scared I may never find love again. There are so many things about love that are uncertain. Actually, everything about love is uncertain. It's just something we have to deal with. Some of us are brave, some of us are indifferent, and some of us are afraid. Sometimes I wish I remembered what it was like, but I'm too scared to do that right now. I need the tape on for a little bit longer. | | |
| Ever since I got back, I've just been walking around ignoring these feelings. These feelings of hope, and sadness and fear. I don't know what to do. How do I deal with this? ...I can't. I have to just wait it out, but it's so hard to do that. I've tried to keep busy since Wednesday so I wouldn't have time to think about anything. It's fucking Friday, for God's sake. And I don't see myself getting better. I just miss him. I miss him so much, and there's not a thing I can do about it. I can't call him, I can't see him, I can't tell him I love him. I've had a dream about him every single night since I've been home. This isn't fair. It's just not fair to convince myself that I'm okay during the day, and then wake up sad every single morning and have to start all over again. It's not fair, and I don't know what to do. I only have myself to rely on most of the time. No one lives with me. I don't have anyone to turn to for distraction. Not when I'm in the apartment, anyway. If this is what it's like to grow up, I don't want any part in it. None. Because it's not worth it to me to leave behind the people I love to try and make my life better for myself. Leaving family is a step in the wrong direction. And leaving the rest of the people I love is another. ...I thought this was what I wanted. I really did. But if it is, why is this so hard? Shouldn't I be happy and excited to be out here chasing what I thought was my dream? I had it all in my last month at home... and I threw it away to be out here. I threw it away to run after something I didn't even want anymore. What did I do? And what if I can't fix it? | | |
| YOU KNOW WHAT?? I just filled out a fucking survey on myspace, and it didn't post. I went back to see if I could repost it and it was gone. I hate when that happens. It was so witty! I always do a good job with my surveys. Damnit. And life is really confusing on top of everything else. I never know if I should just be happy with what I'm told, or if I should expect something else. My whole life, everytime I've expected something good to happen, the exact opposite happens. But then if I sit around here and just expect bad things to happen I get miserable, and all I do is mope around all day. So I ask you, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Maybe I should just find something to fill my time. I should take classes. Or a class. I wish someone would come visit me, or I wish that someone would've moved out here with me. Then maybe I wouldn't be so bored all the time. Today my heart beat 40 times in 15 seconds. And FUCK YOU if you don't believe me, because it happened. I timed it. I'm not an idiot - I know how to time things. And I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It was not fun. It's also not fun to tell people that, and then have them tell you you're stupid and you don't know what you're talking about. I do. I almost died. [Okay, I didn't really almost die, but my chest hurt, and my heart did beat 40 times in 15 seconds.] Do you see this? I'm going insane. At least that's how I feel now. And on top of not having a best friend, I'm probably going to be hospitalized for malnutrition. Up until this point in my life, I've never gone a full week without having all three meals. Now I have about two. And most of them are poor excuses for meals. And since I don't ever have anything to eat, when I do have the chance to eat a lot I get full really quickly. I need a mom. Today I had a cupcake and Doritos for breakfast, and I didn't have milk so I drank orange juice. And then I made Ramen, and only ate half of it. Then I had Easy Mac for dinner and pound cake a couple hours later. With MILK! And that was good. This is probably so boring, but it's my life and it's what I deal with everyday. It'll get better, though. I hope. | | |
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