sadness is a difficult thing to overcome. especially when the burden seems intolerable. but in my experience, this self-assessed intolerability is usually coorelated with selfishness on my behalf. i mean.. i have so many amazing things that i totally don't deserve, but i'm over here moaning that i can't have the one "thing" that i truly do want. like somehow this would make my being complete. is this one "thing" the deciding factor of my being? does it put breath in my lungs? does it know the grumblings of my soul within? God, you are the only thing i could ever need. yet you have given me surpassingly more, and i rely on the imperfections of these things more than you the perfector. and when the imperfections show their true colors and crumble before me i piss and moan "woe is me". in my times of  ultimate depression i derive so much meaning from silly song lyrics. songs about girls. sure they're great sounding acoustically, but do they actually mean anything? God created us to be rocked to the core by love. whether actually present or not, the sheer thought of loving another or being loved by another makes me fall to the floor trembling. but no love shown by another human being can be perfect. no girl will fail to fail me. God loves me surpassingly more than anyone else could dream of. and all i have to do to experience it is wake up and look to Him and walk that way till i fall asleep and wake up and do it again. but i don't. i abandon perfection for imperfection. does this mean reject all imperfections by extracting myself from their presence? in fact, separating myself from the imperfect world is not the answer at all, but rather looking to the father in the midst of it and striving to grab as big a piece of that perfection as i can fit in my small pathetically broken hands.

here's what is yours... me.

if you don't want to feel the wrath of domo... you should prolly give me a hug.

...he's pissed, so don't even test him on this.

i'm in a giddy mood so i feel it is time for an update. here it goes...

so spongebob is at my house and we're throwing a party. now you might ask yourself, as i asked myself once... how is spongebob in your house... is he not a sea dweller? has some huge tidal catastrophe that i have yet to be informed of occurred? do elephants really pee pee through their noses? ...well.. i'm here to put all you weary wanderers' minds to rest by hitting you up with this piece of scrumtrulescent news. my pants are on fire. k. so i know the moon isn't made of green cheese. but if it were made of spare ribs, would you eat it then!? i know i would. so i saw the valossa raptor up at ridgmar today. i know i know. it's horrible. but it's good to know she's still alive and waddling, right? i thought so as well. so i'm a cool kid... and what do cool kids do? go see sky high of course. i mean. is there anything greater than golf with a gator? i mean. farva... two nights in a row. i mean. i dunno about you, but i was worried he had died of a heart attack by now. or just from shame of his small... right, back on subject. Iran. I haven't run in very very long time. call me a poon... go ahead. do it. right. looks like you're the poon, poon. in any case. i thought i was gonna...time to go to sleep. goodnight.

I'm stressed to the max, anxious and worried about every one of life's little details.  I'm constantly worrying about 'my future', and will I ever stop feeling so alone. I know I've been against dating in the past, but, now, I'm dying for a relationship with her on a BIGGER, DEEPER level. I know my pathetic 'girlfriendless' past isn't shameful, but I feel the need for her. Not just anyone mind you. I'm not willing to jump for anyone. However, I know God made woman with a purpose. That purpose being partnership; and I know he has one picked for me, maybe. I need her. Not in a twisted or sexual manner where I'm starving for attention, no, but rather as us growing closer to Jesus together. I need way more than a good time or the hott girlfriend that i can 'show off' to my friends and feel better about myself. I need her. God, I know you know where she is, if she is ever to be present at all. I could fall asleep tonight and never wake. I doubt the possibilities of that because I feel my purpose here has yet to be fulfilled. At least i hope there is more to my purpose, I'd feel quite worthless if this is all you've destined me to do. Because I've done nothing. I am nothing. I desire her. I know I'm called to desire You above ALL else, and on many occasions I fail You in that respect. I know You're capable of satisfying me. Capable of being my everything. You are my everything. Capable of filling this bucket way past full, but, Lord, I feel so empty now! I know you're timing is perfect, and that if she's coming it'll happen when you've destined it to. I don't see the perfection of that timing now. Keep me faithful to you, Lord. Keep me waiting for that day. Fill this bucket, oh God. I am empty. Fill me.