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| The past few days have been busy, yet...enlightening. My Grandpa has finally laid down his last, he is truly about to die. He hasn't eaten more than 2 spoons of applesauce in 22 days. This i find to be amazing mainly because four and a half years ago, they gave him six months to live. God has blessed this family so much by being to able to say goodbye with no regrets.
However. I've come to realize how much my grandfather means to me. He is a model to which to live after. Simply because of his love. He loves us SO much. and even more, loves God. Passionately. I find myself trying to live up to such a great man, honoring his name. Yet, for every attempt i take, i Fail. I'm not ignoring God in all this, he is all that i need and more, but My Grandpa is a stepping stone for me, if you will, an example of a God-like MAN in my life. So what is it that I'm missing that he has? Why am I falling short?
And like that I'm blindsided. I constantly ask God to place a woman in my life that I can love and cherish for the rest of my life like he does his. And that is where I fail. Not God, me. If God did place a woman in my life right now, I'd run, I'm afraid of that kind of commitment. Its not that God is ignoring me, he's telling me to re-evaluate my request, cuz i don't know what I'm asking. My grandpa is so in love with his family, and I can't even imagine giving a tenth of that love to one person, so why would God torture a poor innocent woman like that!?! If my intentions fall short, how will my actions ever succeed?
Pray for a maturing of self, ask God to bless me. Ask God to let me love like my grandpa...like God. I'm no longer asking for a wife, I'm asking for a love...
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| I was hoping to learn more about Apex today, snow decided to impede such knowledge. However, I managed to to grab hold of a bulletin at the service sat night, and I emailed someone to get me the doctrine. Pray that he does so, with haste, I'm really excited about this place. Haha, I can't remember the last time I've been so excited about finally returning to the well and growing as a Christian. I want to be so careful though, I don't want to put too much faith in this place, because it will ultimately fail. Its man-made, ain't nuthin i can do bout that. Regardless, I'm really chomping at the bit to get involved with a house church and have a small group of people really challenge me to grow. Or maybe even get in a group of people that i can challenge...which is a bit out there, considering where I am, but hey!
An odd thing happened, the pastor talked about wisdom this sat. interesting because when i was a kid, I used to crave it. I would pray for it day in and day out. Pastor Rob opened with, what's the diff between man made wisdom and wisdom for God. My immediate response in my head was, man's wisdom makes sense, God's...does not. And while the sermon strayed from that particular idea, it really left me thinkin....how bout you?...
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| Gut check. I went to a new church tonight. Its on sat night, which i like...cuz i won't sleep through it, so no excuses. Anyway, the sermon was on keeping our tongues in a tight reign. which i don't. Also about how when people are angry, they have a loose tongue, and we need to stop being angry people. I'm a very angry person, and have a loose tongue...crap. He mentioned how we are held accountable for what we say. So here i am, and i know how few people read this, but regardless, I'd like to issue an appology. I'm sorry. For everything I've said to people out of anger, or even not in anger. I was, and probably will be again, wrong. Please hold me accountable for what i say, and tell me I'm speaking out of line when i am. Please don't let me talk anymore, teach me to listen.
Anyway, i really liked the service tonight. For once, the worship wasn't an issue, i didn't sing, but the sermon was simply spoken to me. I wasn't bitter about anything. No one really bothered me, and I listened and soaked in the entire sermon, and its been a while since i've done that. I find myself excited to go again next week. I think I'm going to go to a new members class thingy, to learn their doctrine tomorrow. Pray that God has finally directed me to a Church that will challenge, and invest in me. As selfish as that is, i desperately need it...
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| heartbreak, that's all i can say. gut-wrenching heartbreak...
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| hmm, I guess its due time for an update...Christmas is one of my least favorite times of the year, so I haven't been having a great time lately, but new things are on the horizons. My mom might be goin into business, which is really exciting, her and one of her sewing friends have been talking it over, and I think it'll be a great move for them. My Dad is back from Texas and working on a clientelle. My Sister is loving her job, and that makes me smile, I'm glad she's happy.
As for me, I've applied at the movie gallery down the street for a lil extra cash, hopefully I can get a job there. I'm also thinking about applying for an upgrade in my job at Comair, I'd be working full time third shift, which is heavy, but a whole lot more cash, hours, benefits, and future! My sister and I have also started talking about moving into an apt together more south so it will be a shorter drive for us and we'd be able to get our own dogs...yay!
On another front, I'm feelin a little lonely...aw, how sad that is. Its kind of emo for me to post this, so if you don't care, don't worry about readin any further, it won't offend me, i just need to type it out. I know that I'm supposed to wait for my "one," and God is simply testing my patience. But I could really use someone to talk to, someone to confide in. My family is gettin torn apart cuz of my grandpa being so sick, and it'd be nice to have someone to just get away from it all...iono, maybe I'm bein too much of a girl, but I could really use someone to hold my hand. How sad is that?? On one hand, I'm so happy and excited because I'm finally starting my career in aviation, on the other, I'm all depressed-like cuz i really don't have anyone to share it with...God, if you're testing my patience, get it over with already! oh well, at least he's here to hold my hand!
...hm, that was quite an emotional rant...
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