An ode to my #1

Sometimes I wonder what I don't see when I look out into the distance.

I wonder why pain can't be cured. Sure you can make it hurt less, sleep it off for a day or two, but it always creeps back up on you. Maybe pain is a constant, just as integrated part of life as breathing. Maybe you'll always hurt, always feel the emotional burn of sadness that love left when it finally burned up.

If love is a fire deep within your heart, what happens when it goes out? Why does it go out? Did you run out of fuel to love with? Does it get cold afterwards? So much so that you'll never quite warm up like you used to?

Someone once told me that love is like a mountain. The first time you fall in love, take that big jump, you do it from the peak of the mountain. It's thrilling, exhilarating, awesome, until you hit the ground and break your heart. The second time you fall in love, you don't jump from as high. The third, lower yet.

How many times have I fallen in love? Since the big #1 it's hard to tell. I gave my love to someone and they spat in my face. I wanted to give someone else my heart, but they wouldn't have it. How do I feel now?

Jaded.

Every time I lay down and close my eyes, I am reminded of how things should be. They should be relaxing, like white clouds for me to fall back into. Why would life be hard? What is really in it to make it so?

What do I think of when I'm trying to fall asleep? Why did he leave me this way... why wasn't I good enough for the next two... what is it about me that just doesn't fit anyone else's puzzle piece... if my body is so damn important for everyone now then why didn't it matter with my first... how can I find anyone that could love me like he did... why do I always feel this hurt... why wont it go away... it's almost been a year, so why do I still cry inside... why haven't I been able to cry outside since I cried over him...

The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and be loved in return. I had that once. Maybe that was my onetime. Maybe all I have in front of me is a life of spiritual fulfillment, with no traces of love for me.

Maybe I'm being a dramatic teenager. Maybe.

The future is all about possibilities, but then how does fate work? Am I fated to find someone some day? Does that mean that I shouldn't go looking for one? Should one just fall into my lap?

Just once would I like to know your kiss again. I remember the first time I woke up in your arms. The memory dances about my heart like a fantasy that I could only dream of.

The problem with loving you so long is that for the larger part of it I had to hide my feelings under a cloak of lies and denials. Now that I can see through my dark past, I see how my feelings for you shine in the sunlight. They radiate in splendor. Nothing can compare to the look of your face, when I would smirk and you would smirk.

Holding hands never felt so good.

I've never wanted anyone or anything so bad.

Was it me being naive, to give you my heart as I did? I suppose I didn't think about the future much. What was there to think about? I wouldn't worry because my heart "would be in good hands; afterall why would I be without you?"

I still don't think I have my heart back, not all of it. Maybe that's why I failed when I tried to give it away again, and then again.

Maybe we're meant to be together in the end, and that plagues all of my relationships to meaninglessness.

Maybe I'm holding onto something impossible.

You were like a rose. The harder I grabbed onto you the more I bled, but the more I loved you.

I remember when I was little and wrote about what I thought was love. It was creative, but it wasn't real. I write today with something pure in my mind, in my album of lovely memories.

You will always be on my mantle. The trophy of your love may get old and rust, but it will forever stand as a testament to what we once had.

To love and be loved in return.

To love again.

To love.

-Austin

Good lord, it took me five minutes to figure out how to add a new weblog.  How out of the xanga-loop I've been.

Well the only reason I'm writing here is because of the fabulous Lyndley. She asked me if I had a xanga, and of course I said yes, but that I haven't written in it in over a year.

So how about that profile picture of mine? I look like I'm twelve.

Um, so I don't feel like writing my entire year since my last blog so I wont.

I'm waiting for C-Club to open. I thought that Breakfast was served in Atherton, but alas it's not. I'm not about to brave the elements again to go to ResCo. Oh, you know what? C-Club has been open for eight minutes.

Gotta go, food is calling.

Take care of yourselves,
-Austin

Quote of the day: "Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be." - Anton Chekhov

Picture of the day:

Robert's Rule of the Day: Ok, I got nothing here, I just thought it'd be fun.

Day ONE. we'll see how this goes, hopefully better. i'm so tired, i've been tired all day. sleep will hopefully come easily tonight... yup. can't wait for pep band tomorrow, or can i... i hope it'll be fun and not suck. we'll see. ok. i got nothing else... so bye.

So it's been five months since i've written, and it's completely possible that it may be five months until i write in here again... but i feel like writing. ok, that's a lie but i felt like writing a few days ago and wrote an entire entry, and then my computer died and i was way too tired to retype it. so here it goes....

So for the first time in a while i've felt connected to those people in my life who i had so hurridly detatched myself from. the world that i created around myself has been shattered, for one reason or another, and for better or worse i'm on my way back to the reality. for the past year, almost, i've been living in a true fabrication. my life, my rules, me me me. i thought i was happy, but what i didn't realize is that i was perfectly happy in the real world... and now i'm on my way back. now i know that nothing is going to be the same as it used to be. i have to go forward with my life and move on from so many things that will remain hidden, alive only in my distant memories... but these memories will not define me. i am my own person, and i refuse to hide anymore. i will find my happiness, i will find my way. i will finally realize my waking dream...... 

Quote of the Day: "The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." - Oscar Wilde

So holy heck, i definitley haven't written in my xanga for... lets see, almost five months?.... yeah my last entry was "Hawaii is tomorrow. all next week. i can't wait......" woah. so much has happened since that day... times a hundred. lets see, some key points:

1. I am a senior
 Senior pics anyone?

2. This was my first summer since the summer after 5th grade without band
 I miss you all so much, more than you will ever know.....

3. I now have a job that i love a whole bunch- flava freeze yo
 I put the hott in hot fudge....

4. My life has changed more than i thought possible in the past month
 I am losing my mind... yeah... it's gone....

5. I am in anime club
 SLICE!!!!!!!!

6. I have photography 5th hour, the first actual 5th hour i've ever had in high school
 This is a photo, of me... photography at its best

7. I have ran out of key points, if you can think of any more feel free to comment me, though i doubt anyone will actually read this cause it's been, well, five months.

I forgot how completely obsessive i am over so many things. for example, i sat down an hour and a half ago to look for some online summaries of othello, or king leer, or anything that would help me not fail english, and here i am writing in my xanga. well, i guess i should do my math, then go to bed, but i deffinitely missed simply writing stuff in my xanga. yup, so i'll be back (ha ha ha, muah ha ha, ha, ha) (ha). later gaters.

Quote of the Day: "Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day." - Bertrand Russel