buscando_raices's Xanga

car crash

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 21:03:11 GMT

ok! its been awhile so i guess i should update you?

my life has been pretty boring since june until this past thursday where i was in a car crash. a pretty bad one where honest to god, i should have died.

i was on my way to a party with 2 girlfriends at 3am, and while crossing an avenue a car ran the red light and hit us at highspeed from the right making the car flip c ompletely, 360 degrees. none of us was wearing a seatbelt, so its really a miracle we're all alive and walking, able to tell this story.
i dont remember the impact, i just remember my friend screaming at me hysterically because i was covered in blood. i had bit my lip and my nose was bleeding, she didnt know where the blood was coming from,

luckily, i got away with just a beat up face and a broken right index finger.

let this be a lesson please, its not just up to you, you can be as careful as you want, but theres loads of other people on the road who just arent careful.

be safe.

missing summer//morning sounds

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 21:35:53 GMT

I hate winter. It's cold, and just unpleasant. It's winter now for me which sucks. It's been ridiculously humid too so it's the kind of cold that gets ya to the bones.

All I can think about is summer. I want it to be summer so badly, so lets take a trip down memory lane (very short lane) to last summers trip to the beach with the girlies.

We went to Pinamar, a small beach town here in Argentina about 4 hours away from Buenos Aires. We were 7 girls in a tiny apartment for two weeks. it was great though. We had the best time. We befriended the boys from across the street, went to the beach everday of course going to the "hippest" which was far away (hitchhiking our way there).

At night we went to the bars, the club and didn't come home til 8 am most days.
One night we had invited our guy friends from the neighboring beach town to come over for dinner and "pre-club"which is basically when you just get together and dirnk before going out.
Apparently the neighbors heard all the noise we were making and called the owner to complain about us saying we had kept them up til 6am. Not true. We left at 1.30 to go to the club and we explained this to the owner. She was thisclose to kicking us out! That has to be the funniest memory of the summer I've got =]

______________________________________________

I woke up this morning and just lay in bed listening.
Listening to the sounds of Buenos Aires.

The hammering from the building across the street. Dogs barking as their dog walker comes to pick them up. Honking from the cars. My mother talking on the phone in Spanish.
This is what I hear in Buenos Aires.

I don't think I ever took the time to listen to the city. in the three years I've been here today was the first time I noticed how different the sounds of Buenos Aires are from the sounds os New York.
I don't often miss New York. I don't CRAVE to be in New York much. I have come to love Buenos Aires, which is good, considering it will be my home for the foreseeable future. Why did I wake up needing New York this morning?

The smell and feeling of these two cities are also completely different. Lets take the extremes: summer and winter of each.
I remember leaving my house in New York at 7.30am. The sun was almost always out in summer, traffic already at full force. The "feeling" I got was strange. Everything was beautiful and even though so much was going on around me it was kind of peaceful. Breathe in the air and its fresh that early in the day. The temperature is perfect, not too hot not too cold.
I don't get that feeling here. Here I go out and so much is going on around me. I have the need to observe because there are specific things going on. The Korean grocery store next door receiving the goods, men cleaning the sidewalks in front of their building, the florist opening up his booth at the corner.

Winter is also different, not just because of the temperature. When it snows in New York everything is calm. You don’t hear anything. 20 cars could drive past you honking and you just don’t hear it.
It doesn’t snow here, doesn’t get cold enough. There is no calm. There is always noise. Always the buzzing of cars. It doesn’t matter what street you live on, tghere will always be the noise of cars. You will feel like you’re street is the one with the most traffic.

What are the sounds and feelings of your city?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tue, 22 May 2007 00:59:49 GMT

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. . . . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, to be gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. As we let our light shine, we consciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

wonderful quote isn't it? I like it.

Who are we to put ourselves down? To put others down?

bored

Tue, 15 May 2007 17:57:39 GMT

i keep wanting to update but i dont know what to write.
things are pretty calm in this neck of the woods. parents are leaving to the beach house for the weekend (fyi: its starting to be winter here.. we're below the equator.. flipped seasons ). but oooo weelllllll.
boys boys boys.. im thinking about just ending my little "booty call" relationship with the guy i had a little talk with about changing. im not sure its worth it or if i even WANT it to be more with him. i'm sort of over it, but at the same time im not obviously.
ill talk it over with my shrink in an hour :)
hope all is well.. ill be back with what my shrink thinks later.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thu, 10 May 2007 03:13:54 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...

ME!!!!!

its been..

Thu, 03 May 2007 02:51:40 GMT

.. a whole week!
I didn't think that much time had passed since i last posted.
I'm not sure much has happened.. this weekend was slightly eventful I suppose.
I had talked to my shrink (yes I'm crazy.. I lie.. I go because there are a lot of changes taking place this year and i need an outlet) about this guy Ive been "seeing" for almost 2 years has repeatedly asked me out in recent weeks and I've kept saying no (more because he kept asking last minute.. can't have that now can we?) because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to keep this "relationship" going. We've been using each other, and that just doesn't do it for me anymore.
She told me to talk to him aaaand she compared him to my mother saying I have the same problem with both: I can't talk to them about how I feel.
She'll be proud of me when I tell her what happened tomorrow =]
He picked me up at my friends house where I was having dinner with the ladies, and we went to a bar to have a drink.
He sort of touched the subject on the way there, telling me I never talk to him anymore, that he doesn't know anything that's going on my life etc.. but I'm stupid so I didn't say anything.
Afterwards in the car I told him how I felt and he understood, but said it has to be an effort from both, not that we're going to be "together" anytime soon or anything, just see eachother more, talk more etc.. move away from just using the others body (haha).
Soooo the shrink will be proud.
In other news, I've been sick with a strong need to vomit, and when I finally did.. boy it wasn't pretty but I definetly felt better although my stomach isn't fully recovered yet.
we'll see how that goes.

belu, perdon, nada nuevo jaja ya te habia contado todo

so it seems..

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 01:27:05 GMT

.. that my mother is my muse. But not in a good way.

Now that I have pretty much stopped arguing with her (everything she says/does still gets to me, I just choose not to show her) she tries to attack me in other ways. And mostly by physically criticizing me.
I wouldnt necessarily say that im fat, but I'm not the thinnest girl (www.xanga.com/brasileaira for pics) out there. Many might say I'm fine, I shouldnt worry, and basically, I'm trying not to. Bad things happened in the past form becoming too preoccupied with weight which I'll get into later.

On monday I went to eat lunch with 2 of my friends, and of course, she told to watch what I eat because I havent been losing weight. I have been, but I could be doing better.
Today I spent the afternoon at a friends house and had a big lunch and snacks in between. When I came home my mother and brother had already eaten, and I didnt eat. I wasnt hungry so I just didnt eat. I didnt need to. She was furious with this of course, not because I wasnt eating, but because she felt that the reason I wasnt having dinner was because all I'm doing is eating trash.
My mother is overly preoccupied with my weight when, really, I should be the only one bothered by it, and should look the way I want.

The constant criticism from her brings back temptations of habits from a few years back. She doesnt know of any of this "behaviour" as it was never "consistent" and I wasnt necessarily doing just one thing.
when i moved to argentina i was noticeably bigger than most of the girls here. it made me very self concious and i went on a diet. I cut down on what I ate, substitued most dinner for simple salads, started going to the gym. I kept cutting down my food intake and upping the time I spent at the gym. I noticed the less I ate, the more weight I lost, same goes with the exercise. Soon, I was eating only every 12 hours, or just dinner which I couldnt get out of.
When my parents had a dinner outside of the house I just wouldnt eat. It was easy enough to hide it from my brother, I would just not eat with him but would prepare my food with him. It either ended up back in the tupper of the food my mom had left or the dog had a feast. I managed to go without food for 4 days at a time. I became what many would call an "exercise-bulimic". Instead of vomiting everything that went into my body, I would work it off at the gym. I was spending 2+ hours at the gym doing cardio EVERYDAY. I lost 20 (9kg) pounds in just under 2 months. I started not being able to "not eat" so I resorted to throwing up. Luckily my brother found out one night and threatened to tell my parents if I ever did it again. I stopped that.

Anyways, the constant criticism of my weight and looks are not doing ANY good for me.

At war...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:16:23 GMT

...with my mother.
it seems we can no longer coexist in peace. it really does make me sad, seeing as she is moving in august (to germany!), i htink it would be nice if we could have a nice last few months together. but NO. its not possible.
everything coming out of her mouth criticizes me:
*"stop eating, youre not losing weight" i told her i lost 3 pounds last week, but since it goes against what shes saying she discards this comment and pretends it never left my mouth
*you hurt your foot because all you wear are flip flops and thos converse. i told her i was wearing heels that day and stepped on an uneven part of the sidewalk causing my foot to bend in ways i never thought possible. to that she merely says: those are ugly shoes.

then of course we have the typical "ana" thing which is not listening to me:
*have some veggies. me: yea, not now later. her: well if youre not going to eat veggies have salad. WHAT DID I JUST SAY??? I NEVER SAID I WOULDNT HAVE VEGGIES, I JUST SAID LATER!!!!
*whered you go last night? me: dancing. her: you didnt tell me that. me: yes in fact, i did. you asked me to elave you the adress etc on a paper on your desk which i did.

i want to move. NOW.

My depression keeps building like a cup overfilling
My heart so rigid I keep it in the fridge
It hurts so bad that I can't dry my eyes

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 16:19:01 GMT

i hurt my leg, so i cant go to the gym. i went to the kinesiologist the other day, my foot is fine, and my calf muscle will get sorted out. i put too much strain on it, which is why its all cramped up.
i hate not being able to do any excercise, i hope itll be better by tomorro.

i live on the 19th floor, but i hate it when people get on the elevator thats where the staircase is and they get off on any floor before the 5th. unless they are old.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 18:09:52 GMT

apartment hunting isnt going well AT ALL. we cant find an apartment that my mom likes enought to rent for me (she will be visiting alot from germany so she has to like it.
the idea is that i move in may (first week of may) which is in.. TEN DAYS. we need to get a move on. i want to have my own pat for my birthday (may 9th). lakjbfvliawuberljkh
its stressing.

i have to go to the kinesiologist at 6. i hurt my foot on tuesday on my way home so i couldnt walk properly yesterday. because of this i cant use my calf muscle which, i dont know if youve noticed, comes in quite handy when walking properly! so lets see if he/she ( theres two, i dont know which one i have an appointment with) can massage it out!

I have a meeting with a surgeon tomorrow to talk about my possible breast reduction (mine are natural though)