Check Me Out On MySpace

Well, I've decided to get rid of the premium since I don't write on here often anymore.  If you want to check up on me and see current stuff, check me out on MySpace...http://www.myspace.com/sakuraavalon1117.  That's where I hang out now.

I've Lost The Urge

Last night I turned down sex, the first I would have had since January, because I preferred to watch an episode of The X-Files.  At first I was for the sex, but then I changed my mind because I knew how late he'd be over and I didn't want to miss that episode of The X-Files because my first real girl-crush was on that episode.  So, I turned down sex for an episode of The X-Files where my favorite chick, Laurie Holden, looked like a straight up crackhead.  Oh well, I must admit that I like that lady, but I must admit that I like her Silent Hill, pre-burn look much better...

Anywho, I have given up on men and my girly parts have followed in suit.  No sex, no prospects, no urge.  *begin sarcasm*Oh woe is me*end sarcasm*

Currently Watching Twilight Zone: The Complete Definitive Collection By Twilight Zone see related

I Am A Black Woman

I am black...
I consider myself to be a black American.  I don't consider myself African American because I have no idea from where in Africa my ancestors originated.  Besides, Africa is a continent, not a country, so, if I knew the country in which my ancestors originated, maybe I'd say that I am a Kenyan American, or a Ghanan American.  I am a proud black American.  I'm proud to be black, even though it is tiring to be black.  Tiring in the fact that it seems as if I have to apologize for how some of my people act.  It's tiring in how I have to disprove every stereotype there is out there for black people.  Just because I speak properly and don't have a ghetto 'twang' doesn't mean that I am 'white', or 'acting white'.  It just means that I am an educated black individual.  Though I must admit that the 'bad credit' stereotype does apply to me, but that's another blog entry altogether.  Just because I am black doesn't mean that I should be compartmentalized in my likes either.  I don't just listen to 'black' music, I listen to everything, even country.  I just love music and there was a time in my life where I wanted to be a music major.  I don't eat 'soul food' all the time, because I like food period.  I'm fat, need I say more...lol.  Though, I would like to watch more black tv shows, the networks don't have much of that.  I like to say that I'm eclectic and I'm pretty much open to most things.  I love going to the beach and I love getting in the ocean.  My black ass may not know how to swim well, but that's due to a lack of swimming classes and beach going when I was younger.  I don't have rims on my car and my windows aren't tinted, but I do listen to my music loud.  I do think, after the whole 'Imus' fiasco, I have to re-think my feelings on rap music.  Though, me not buying rap albums, which on average I probably buy one a year, would have a big impact.  I mean, the majority of people who buy rap and hip hop albums are white people, because shocker they are the majority of folks in this country.  But, the whole Imus thing I shall get into later on in this blog.  I am tired of hearing some people say that black people overreact about things and should get over slavery.  Granted, no one in this generation was a slave and has ever owned slaves, but to me that just makes me think that, well, Jewish people should get over the Holocaust, and Native Americans should get over having their country taken from them.  Which I believe that nobody should get over, nor forget, these things.  I mean, just because my modern black family wasn't purposefully 'bred' and broken up for profit, doesn't mean that I don't feel for the black slave families back then who were.  I was at a party two weeks ago and someone said that, "The black people could have gotten out of their situation if they wanted to."  Well, if that were the case, there wouldn't have been a need for the Underground Railroad and slaves running away without worrying about being caught and being beaten to within an inch of their life.  Or, as a punishment, having their loved ones sold off.  Now, for Imus, I know I'm going to upset my black folks when I say that I don't think that he should have been fired.  Maybe extend his suspension for two more weeks, but not fired.  I believe that another reason, aside from what he said, that got him fired is that his sponsors pulled out and they were big name sponsors too.  So, if your money goes, you need to go too, remember, this country runs purely on cash.  If his sponsors stuck around, he'd probably still be around too.  Though I don't agree with what he said, everybody says things that they're not supposed to, even black people, but the race cards are still being played and in some circumstances, rightly so.  Though a comment I read about white people needing white leaders to stand up for when someone black says something bad about them is stupid to me.  I mean, white people, your leaders are running the government and they say and do stupid shit everyday and nobody really harps on them, unless they're a total fool, like the president...lol.  Even though my sensitivity is based in the past, it's because I can't forget and shouldn't forget where I came from.  I shouldn't forget that black families were broken up for profit, I shouldn't forget that laws needed to be passed just so I could have a right to vote (which I do), I shouldn't forget that 'strange fruit' was hanging off of trees, I shouldn't forget that a black man was dragged to death from the pickup truck of a white man, and I shouldn't forget that I should be proud of my education, because if I were born about 200 years earlier, it would have been illegal for me to learn how to read.

I am a woman...
I HAVE A VAGINA!!!  I HAVE BREASTS!!!  I HAVE A UTERUS AND OVARIES!!!  MY HORMONE IS ESTROGEN!!!  AND NONE OF THAT STUFF HAS SHIT TO DO WITH THE GOVERNMENT!!!  So don't pass laws banning me from having an abortion.  Don't pass laws that'll force teenaged girls to get the human papilloma vaccine, which, in the scheme of things, is the least of our worries when it comes to young people having sex.  Though, having cervical cancer does prevent one from having babies, so, the government wants us to have kids, which cycles back to laws preventing me from having an abortion.  If they need to pass laws for women, how about one that mandates we get paid the same, as men, for the same job, as opposed to getting about seventy cents on the dollar.  Just because I am a woman, it doesn't mean that I have to get pretty for you (men).  A friend of mines made a good point.  Humans seem to be the only animals where women have to look nice for men.  I mean the beautiful peacocks are the male ones and just look at the mane on a male lion.  So, human males, you need to come correct as well.  Pants hanging off your ass, dirty clothes, and stinky breath will not make me swoon.  Metrosexuals know the deal and they groom accordingly...lol.  Because I'm a woman, doesn't give a man the right to own me.  I already have a daddy and I don't need another.  Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I should have to submit, no matter how many times it says so in the bible, which is a book that was compiled mostly, if not all, by men.  Just because I'm a woman, I shouldn't have to apologize, or feel sorry for when I'm PMSing, or am on my period.  That stuff happens for a reason, it's called 'mother' nature.  Yeah, men may have the 'seed' when it comes to fertilizing, but women can decide if they want to keep that flower, or pull that weed.  And since I'm a woman, I shouldn't have to literally work my ass off, to have skinny, boyish features, just so I can get a man.  I mean, past civilizations didn't survive with wispy women blowing in the wind.

I am a black woman...
I love my friends, love them dearly and though they 'understand' what it's like, they'll never truly understand what it's like to be me.  I say this because my best girl buds in the whole wide world are white and I am black.  So though they say that understand and they do, they will never fully understand and can't.  I may be nappy headed, but I am far from being a ho.  It took me twenty-one plus years to be happy with my nappy head.  Back in 2002, when my hair was as chemically damaged as it could get, I decided to shave it all off and start over.  I am so happy that I made that decision.  My Florida girl says that I would look nice with a perm, but I'd rather shave all of my hair off again, than to put that shit in my hair.  I love my curls, I love my kinks, and I love my fro.  They wouldn't understand about how I may panic just a little more over not being able to find a husband.  Black women have the lowest statistics when it comes to marriage.  I mean, sometimes I feel that I won't get a black man, because I'm too much of a strong black woman (and not white) and I feel that I won't get a white man because I'm not white, or dating other races because I'm not of that race, or white.  So, there are just some days where I feel as if I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.  I am a black woman; I am not a whore, I am not a golddigger, I am not somebody's momma, I am not loud (often), I am not coarse (except for my hair), I do not get excited over 'gangsta' men, I am me.  This is where I get to the re-thinking of rap.  Rappers call black women bitches, hoes, golddiggers, etc., all over their music and some of the videos I see are just shameful.  I wish that these video ladies would have more respect for themselves, as opposed to dancing, scantily clad, on some video.  Though, how I feel about black people and their terms for themselves, sorta goes for terms we have for family members, meaning: I can make fun of my brother and do what I want to him, but if someone else does, or says something, they're in for it.  That's what I kinda feel like was the situation with us black folks and the Imus situation.  Just because we can say nigga and ho, doesn't mean that you can.  That's an instant ass whooping...lol.  So, in that instance, my rationalization, just because we black people say it, doesn't mean that you can.  Besides, white people are niggas too, they just use the term 'redneck'.  But back to me and my black-ness...I get nervous when I'm around a lot of white folks, then again, I'm nervous around black folks, or any of one race.  I need a healthy mix.  I like going to Ocean City, MD when I go to the beach, but I love going to VA Beach, because I see more chocolate faces there.  Nothing is more lonely than being the only black female at a party and feeling 'ignored'.  I shouldn't have to feel as if I'm being odd by not having my hair straightened.  I am a proud black woman, not some grand social experiment.

Currently Listening Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds, Vol. 2 By Jill Scott I Keep see related

I Will Never Get Married...

"Go tie your balls in a knot,
breeder!"
-Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program

...because I am too smart for my own good, or what some may call a 'bitch'...lol.  I have a co-worker who just got engaged and she and her fiance are going to marriage preparation classes.  She tells me about some of the things they talk about in there and more often then not, I'm blinking extra hard and shouting out an occasional "bullshit" here and there.  For one thing, the class is being taught by one man.  I feel as if marriage preparation classes should be taught by married couples, so you can get both sides of an issue, as opposed to one.  Another problem I have is how the word "submit" is being thrown around willy-nilly and mostly at the woman.  The wife is supposed to submit/surrender and the man is supposed to, I guess, run things?  But with those two, I know for a fact that she's making more money than he is.  Also, husband and wife are to share everything?  No separate spaces?  Gimme a freakin' break!!!  Back to the word "submit".  Two Sundays ago I watched a DVD of one of my dad's old students getting married.  The preacher kept on pressing how the wife needs to submit...submit, submit, submit; though he did throw in that the word submit doesn't mean the 'negative' way it is thrown around.  But me, in my modern, fairly feminist thought, can't help but think of submit as being negative.  'My body is yours and you can do what you want???'...BULLSHIT!!!!  Even my mom scoffed at the amout of 'submitting' that the wife has to do.  I firmly believe that the word submit should be replaced with 'compromise'.  My parents will have been married for twenty-eight years this year and my dad keeps saying that the secret to their longevity is compromising...and having separate spaces.  Yes, distance does make the heart grow fonder.

I know that I won't get married, because if I had to take one of those premarital classes, I would be a troublemaker and question everything.  For instance, if I read the bible, my headstrong feelings of man and wife being equal will be gone the closer I get to God?  Because I will surrender myself?  I think not.  Also, I will as the person, "If you are a Christian, why are you trying to teach from the old testament (Jewish text) as if you know what you're talking about?  Do Rabbis go around teaching from the new testament like they know what they're talking about?"

The time I've taken by not trying to find someone has given me time to do a little soul searching.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not Catholic anymore.  I wouldn't want to associate myself with any religion because people fuck religion up.  I just have a problem with someone saying that one person is totally wrong for what they believe.  I feel as if I'm more spiritual.  I like to go straight to the source, as opposed to getting my message from some biased middleMAN.  I'm a man-discriminating feminist.  I don't want to say that I'm man-hating, because there are some good ones out there, somewhere, and as small as my hope is in finding one, it's still there.  So, I discriminate, as in being more picky that I usually am.  I will not settle and if I can't bare to be around you, it's not going to work.  I mean, sexual attraction is needed to carry on the species and if it's not there, it ain't going to work.  I'm more pro-woman and pro-black now.  Maybe I could become an activist of some sort.  I have a lot of shit on my mind and I think that people would be surprised of what could come out of my mouth.

So, I'm partly prepared to become the cool aunt who's unmarried and travels a lot.

I Don't Mean Any Harm...

Why is it when those words come out of someone's mouth, they usually follow it by stringing other words together that don't need to be together, or better said, "They say shit that they shouldn't."  Nine times out of then, the people who are saying those words are old and they feel that they can say it because no one is going to push them out into traffic.  This crazy, old, stinky lady that I work with says it a lot and this past week, this old crone said it to me again.  Okay, so it's Wednesday and I'm helping the mail lady load her truck with the mail from our section and this old lady drives up and asks to drop her mail.  She and the mail lady get to talking and the mail lady talks about how she lost weight.  Then, the old crone states to me, "I don't mean any harm, but that weight'll kill ya."  The immediate thought process in my brain was to slap this old broad in the face, but I don't.  I just say that, "I know, that's why I started exercising this week."  Which is true.  I have started trying to get on a path to better health this past week.  This week I only had one soda.  The rest of my beverages have either been water, or the Vitamin Water that Giant Food had on sale this past week.  I mean, I know that lady thought she was helping me by pointing out the obvious, I mean, shit, tell me something that I don't know like, listening to old bags like you will make my head explode, etc., etc.  Now don't get me wrong, I do respect older people, but they really need to realize that just because they're old, it doesn't give them a free pass to act like an asshole and mind other peoples' business.  She didn't know me from a can of sealed paint.  She didn't know if I had actually started taking pro-active measures to take care of myself.  She didn't know if I could have been fatter and the size I am now is much smaller than what I used to be (which isn't the case, I've pretty much been the same size since eighth grade), but still I'm just trying to prove a point.  But, aside from that old lady minding other people's business, I couldn't help but think of her as a hypocrite, because, she wasn't the smallest person herself.  Which reminded me of my grandmother on my dad's side, who would tell me that I'd have to wear sheets if I kept on gaining weight the way I did and would have me do these crazy exercises one minute and fatten me up with candy and baked goods the next.  I would always wonder why she'd get on my case about my weight, when she was far from skinny herself.  I'm just glad that I didn't grow up with too much of a complex (besides hating to wear earrings, getting my hair done, and dressing girly...thanks to her).  I wish people would learn to just keep their mouths shut and if they don't mean any harm, then they shouldn't say anything in the first place.  That old lady better be glad I was brought up with manners, or else I would have given her such a tongue lashing that would leave her breathless.  I guess what this boils down to, also to how I felt this week, is that I really hate Baltimore and the idiots who live there.  It almost always never fails, the weather will be nice down here, at home in Southern PG County, and I get up to Baltimore and it's cold and cloudy.  Then there are the assholes who drive like assholes, the assholes who don't read, and the assholes who just act like straight up retards.  I don't get it, what's wrong with them?  How can a city north of DC act so fucking country?!?!?!  I know for a fact that I couldn't live up there.  Those people would drive me berzonkers.  For instance, yesterday I'm buying my food for my lunch break and this lady with more than fifteen items in the express lane is grilling me about the bread I bought.  I'm thinking, "Lady, stop talking to me and try figuring out your situation of why you're in the fifteen items, or less, express lane, with more than fifteen items and other lanes are open."  I think I need a vacation, the idiots are getting to me.

Currently Watching The Wire - The Complete First Season By Jeffrey Lorenzo, Michael Stone Forrest, David Ehrman (II), Stephen Zaleski, Steve Staiger see related