Hey Guys,

I havent written in this for a while. Well, let me first start out by saying:

Saturday, May 5, 2006. I am going to be doing Revlon Run/Walk for Women. It is basically a run/walk to help raise some money to find a cure for breast cancer. I am going to attempt to run the whole thing, so help back me up on it. It is greatly appreciated that you guys could support me by giving me some donations.

You can either give it to me in person which I will gladly take, or you can do your donations online thru the website.

https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/ny/secure/mywebpage.cfm?pID=374051

Everyone should know how much this means to me and my family. For those that are able too or not I appreciate it all.
Thanx guys

So the last time i wrote in this, i was still 21... now im 22, n still writin in dis... i dink its so sad... hehe but anyways, i gotta thank those dat came out and chilled wit me for my birthday. So wats been going on in my life...?? I dont dink i mentioned this to anyone but i joined the registered myself for the ING Marathon.  i just needed something in my life that is a bit different since so much has happened in the last year, a new challenge in my life. So last sunday i ran my 1st of 9 races to qualify for the marathon. it was 3 miles, 3 HARD MILES, hehe but it felt great to run thru that finish line, the feeling is not describable. well anyways, this sunday im runnin a 4 mile race in central park also... i wanna see how i do in this one, i need to do intensive training hehe... well dats really it about me, gotta finish doing my research for skewl n den head out... check u guys out laters...

Ray

hey everyone,

wanted to say Happy Chinese New Year, havent updated this shit for a long time... so much has changed since the last time i wrote in this..

Mom has gone to a better place, and isnt in pain anymore. The family is still trying to get use to it but we are doing better then expected. Dad is going back to work tomorrow becuase he was off for about 2 months for a herniated disk. Hope that dont get worse.

As for me, I'm back at school, and working. Im working in an architecture firm now, doing my favorite shit, designin buildings to accommidate pples needs. Makes me feel good about myself. And its also MY BIRTHDAY this Thursday. Beginning to feel so old, 22... damn...

Well for those that still read this and is interested, the weekend of Feb 24th, we're planning to go to Atlantic City. My original plan was to rent a party bus but so much has been going lately that i havent had a chance to really ask people. So this is a last minute thing, if i get enough people then i was plannin to rent a limo to go down there, so people dont have to drive and worri about drinkin n all... Looking out for everyone else and ME... lol

Let me know guys, leave me a comment or call me...

Ray

10/25/06

            Is it wrong for a person to be in denial that someone they love is slowing leaving their side?? I think I'm in that position, because everytime I visit or call my mom. I feel as there is a chance of hope that she will get better and our family could be united once again. I feel this more especially when I go to the hospital to visit her. Her appearance, character, strength, and appetite gives me that sense of hope. I seem to put myself in this position of denial, because I can't accept the fact of losing the person that is closest to me, my father and my sister. Everytime I wirte a blog like this I can feel my heart tense up and I feel very sad and depressed.

            When I start feeling this, I tend to think back to the past of how mom ue to take care of me. Lets not even think to far back, just last year she was the person to give me faith in learning to drive a stick shift. I started to give up on driving my car cause I couldn't seem to get the hang of it but she comes over and tells me to give it a bit more time and patience then I will get it down. I'll never forget  how much faith she has in me. She use to tell me and I do have a sense of memory that I use to sit on her lap while she worked at home to take care of me. I would play with my toys while she would work. Hehe kind of sounds corny but its one of the most memorable. There was also a time when I hated school which I still do, she use to tell me that if I didn't go to school I would never be able to drive and know how to read signs. I took that into consideration and decided the it is very important to stay in school. Hehe...

            Everyone tries to tell me that my mom will be coming home and things will be back to normal but I know that the possibility of that happening is very slim but yet I have not lost faith. I think the guy up top is going to give me a miracle because we are great people.

            I also wonder why bad things seem to happen to good people. I don't think we have ever done anything wrong to deserve it, especially my parents. They have worked so hard to get to where we are withou the help of others. Mom use to work seven days a week and about 12 hours a day while day use to work six days a week and about 10 hours a day just to support their two children. It took about 20 years or hard work and sweat just to be able to get a house to live in so everyone could be comfortable. You would think that as mom and dads children, as we get older it would be time for them to retire and for their children to take care of their parents. I don't kno what I am trying to say, I just feel as if my family deserves all th best and none of the worst. We are great people, never have we done harm or bad on others. Sometimes I think it isn't fair for my mom to be in such a situation but I also don't think anyone in the world deserves to go through so much pain.

            Yesterday when I went to visit her, I took her outside to sit and get a bit of fresh air instead of bing stuck inside her room all day long. As we were sitting out there wit my aunt, I saw that white box again. For those that have not read my last blogs, the white box is used to carry those people that have passed. It still bothers me to see this. And I tell my mom, she tells me again that I shouldn't think much about it and just to accept the fact. Its all apart of life, which I know is true but am still afraid that one day I will have to see that myself. I wouldn't know how to feel or what to say.

            I hope everyone out there reading this doesn't think that I feel like this out of no where. I am actually sitting in my physics class typing this on my phone, but right before class I called my mom and talked to her. One thing that I do everytime I visit my mom is something that my sister said, I take a good look at my mom and get a good picture of her in my mind as she is still able to smile at me. Being unable to tell the future, I don't know hat to expect the next time I go and visit her, afraid that I will never be able to speak with her again or see that smile on her face. I use to ask peopl what is the hardest thing to tell your parents was, for me it was "I Love You". Might seem very childish that I couldn't say it but it was tough. But now? Now I tell her this everytime I see her or when I leave the hospital or even when I get off the phone with her. To me those three words are not just words but I mean every word of it.

            I just miss mom. I miss everything about her, smile, laughter, yelling at me, cooking. No one will ever be able to take her position and I will never forget every moment our family has had.

            Again I have never asked people for many favors in life, I just ask for one thing. Please help me pray for a miracle that miraculously she is cured and will come home again. Pray for us to be strong with her for whatever time she has, pray for one day there will be a cure for cancer and that it will not be too late. All I ask for is for her to be home and reunited with our famil again.

Ray

10/24/06: Another one of my daily blogs even thought is not everyday daily but once a week is not bad. Since the last time i blogged, a lot has happened, good things as well as bad. Good thing is that mom seems to be stable, she is able to eat, sleep and looks very well, but the bad part is that her legs are very swollen. So swollen that she cant even walk, or stand on her own. Watching her struggle to get in bed is probably one of the hardest ding for me to look at. As much as i want to help her, she tells us not too, because she says that if we werent dere den she would have to do it herself, so i respect that. She gets frustrated about it and again, i cannot blame her because you and i would be jus as frustrated or maybe worse.

As time as passed, i've come to the realization that 6-12 months is a very short amount of time. These are the predicaments that the doctors have told us about her being here with us. Everyone knows the saying "I can't wait till next year" well I can definitly wait, and i would definitly try to hold on the watever time i have left wit her. If I could slow or even stop time, dere will be no doubt about it that i would do so. 6-12 months, it can jus fly by like you wouldnt believe it.

I ask everyone for one thing and one thing only. Pray for her for me, for us. Pray for a miracle to happen that miraclously everything is all well for her. Thanks all...

Ray