Interests:The internet, movie-making, digital photography, graphic design, getting the last word, masticating, music, the arts, and various sports involving balls that bounce. Expertise:Dry wit & black humor Occupation:Full-time slacker Industry:Art & Design
Spring
Cleaning. A time when dust inhalation is at an all-time high, and you
discover a nest of nostalgia under your bed. Besides sneezing up a
storm, I pulled out from under my bed:
1/8 of the room.
Old Star Wars toys (ebay, anyone?)
Original Gameboy and dozend of games.
A robotic dog (don't ask.)
2 used tissues (shut it!)
R/C Cars from Japan.
Old sketchbooks.
Part of my high school locker that I ripped out after graduation.
Class photos from 6th grade (which shall never be seen here, as they have been promptly burned in the incinerator out back.).
National Geographic cards from 1989.
A gun (How'd that get there?).
Bunch of saved Xmas/birthday cards and snail mail.
2 cellphones.
80gb external hard drive.
and most amazing of all...
A FREAKIN' PACKAGE OF BEEF JERKY!
Sure,
it's been opened and expired a year ago, but this is what beef jerky
is about--lasting more than unwanted house guests. You see, the
ultimate meal of any man consists of beef jerky, alcohol, and vagina.
And you, by all means, make no excuse to let any of that good ish go to waste.
On noes!
It
was like finding pr0n for the first time all over again with all that
giddy anticipation--I locked my bedroom door and turned on smooth jazz
to set the mood. As
soon as I unzipped the bag, a puff of tangy air seeped into my nose.
The toxic fumes burned a few nose hairs along the way into my lungs. It
smelled like gym socks sitting at the bottom of the football team's
hamper after a game. It felt like I
just smoked a pack of cigarettes that was sitting in Barbara Walter's
anus.
2girls1cup is like an afternoon special after smelling this bag.
But my curiosity got the best of me. I just had to have a bite.
Yeah, I eat my beef jerky topless. So did He-Man. HOOOO!
I think eating a used tampon wrapped in a soiled diaper, deep-fried would've tasted better.
Outcome:
Being whisked away by ambulance after quickly collapsing and
convulsing on the floor, I only suffered temporary blindness in the
right eye.
NY Autoshow. Practically the same thing as last year.
Zoom zoom!
Sweet!
Go, go, Speedracer, go!
Halo Warthog?
Richard Branson? Arrrrr, m8ty.
The
laziest "model" around. She sat there for a good 60 minutes, as she was
still there when I left the show. I want to get paid for sitting down
all day. Oh wait...
Yup. Why I was there.
Sexy back.
Om nom nom nom
Sprite, anyone?
Meet George Jetson.
I love New York News.
Sue Simmons, one of the anchors for the local news in NBC New
York, wonders out loud "THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?" during a teaser
segment on the night of May 12th.Digging Through the Disaster. The end is nearrrrrr!
When I accidentally get a girl pregnant, I’m probably going to freak out. I know this will probably happen at
some time. It would be hard to make her have an abortion that would be
my fault. I know that it’s really her choice. That’s why I've
prepared myself for when she says she’s going to have my child. I will
calmly tell her that I insist on naming the child. Whether it’s a boy
or girl, their name will be “Jors”. Yes, that’s right. It will be
pronounced “Yours”. Every time I see the child, I will say, “Hey!
That’s Jors!”.
Just letting you ladies know what to expect.
Results may vary.
I think my chances of getting with another girl has decreased by 500%.
Ghettoriffic Photo of the Day
Nothing like enjoying a deep-fried possum on your new "swing set".
There’s a war going on in many workplaces. The objective: take control of the TV.
Master the thermostat, the rest will follow!
A
group of co-workers and I enjoy watching "World's Most Amazing Videos".
There's something about laughing at the misfortune of others, usually
brought upon by stupidity. Stupidity: a perfect complement to your
lunch, next to a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips. But then there's the
office rebel, vying for control of the channel being displayed on the
TV, usually opting for a more yawn-ful "Court TV". Though both channels
feature people who aren't exactly the brightest bulb, at least there's
action in one of them--not a fight for $200 over a bad haircut.
If
you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some useful
arguments you can make to defend your desired break room's channel.
Here in such a hostile environment, the tactics vary.
-Sometimes it’s a frontal assault by a large force, usually resulting in a mass uprising to keep/change the channel.
-Sometimes
it’s a guerrilla action in which a small group creates a diversion while
an assault team attacks the cable box with swift and stealthy channel
changes.
-Then there’s the covert action. A single operative
“acquires” the remote, makes a quick adjustment and returns the remote
before it’s discovered missing.
-Finally, there’s propaganda and innuendo spread around the office by sympathizers. "Think of the children. Keep it on Spike TV."
Defending your TV against unwanted channel changes is a thankless job. But together, we can put an end to this war.
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