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Chronicles of Q	journey to the west coast

callmeQ
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: ~Q~ Interests: dwelling in the Secret Place; hiding beneath the shadow of His wing Expertise: Stumbling through life until God picks me up... Again Industry: Media Message: message me Member Since: 2/24/2003

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

PURPOSE

Pain and paralysis press in on my person

Pulled and pushed putting me in the pigeonhole

People promise progress if I’d only parallel THEIR path

Utterly, uninteresting, useless in this universe

Unacceptable under the umbrella of unique

Unusual leads to un-assured

To uninspired

To unproductive

Unbelieving in the unbelievable

Unbalanced in the undertow

Rejection without relevance

Running in the ruthless rain

Reinvented

Rediscoved

Remaining and Renewing

Push and pull to press on

Peeling past the pieces of parched papier-mâché preventing my sight

Open

Only looking onward

Opportunity unfolds

The future obscure

Obstinates holds me back from the obtuse angle of the future unknown

Something slips

Slumber is shaken

Something awakens

Slithering from the slime,

Showering in the sunshine

Everything exposed

Emptiness is evident

Exceptional extravagance

Eternal emotion experienced in extended empathy

Placing Unusual Responses Past Obscurity Sublimity Expressed

6:51 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Sunday, October 21, 2007

	someday i'll be safe
	11:14 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Thursday, September 13, 2007

	my heart is broken
	9:59 AM - 6 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Death to Life

Ever have a chance to talk with someone who makes you feel like a person?
Ever talk with someone who makes you feel like you're alive when you felt dead?
Ever talk to someone who makes you feel found when you have been feeling so lost?

I'd been praying, (oh God i'd been praying) to be seen. Is there just ONE person who could see value in me? oh God, let someone take an interest in who i am. Let someone out there care.

In his book "Soul Cravings" my pastor, Erwin McManus talks about how the things in life that we end up being good at are often the activities that someone has taken an interest in us enough to teach us. When someone takes an interest in us and encourages us we florish. And i'd been praying last week, oh God, give me that someone in my life.

I felt frustrated at Terra Nova, my church's artist's retreat. I felt like i was just someone to talk to until a better person came along. I felt like these people were just like everyone else in LA, self-promoting. so i expressed that to my roommate after a session that made me angry as well. It made me angry because i felt like there were unreal expectations being presented before me and i felt like i was already a bad person because i knew i couldn't measure up. so i told my roommate, "this is bullshit".

a few seconds later the head of the film team asked me, "hey Q, how are ya doing?"
to which i blinked at him a few times and said "huh?"
"what's up, what's going on?"
me: "well i'm angry"
and off we went from there. my anger spilled out. my frustration spilled out. my hurt spilled out. my lostness spilled out. my tears spilled out as he extracted all my life's hardships by-passing all my BS and walls with the phrase, "but what does that mean?"

walls i knew i had up, walls put up for knocking down in order to prove trustworthiness. walls i forgot i put up, walls put up for a valid reason i must have had long ago. walls i hadn't known i put up, walls i thought i needed just to be able to simply function.

that same evening a boy from our camp was missing, he was lost in the woods. prayers were sent up, and rescue workers were sent out. by the time he was rescued the next morning he had spent the entire night in the woods full of wild animals. That morning after he was found on of the leaders spoke. he spoke of how, the night before as the helicopters would pass over the camp where we were gathered the workers yelled out through a bull horn

"Michael, we're looking for you. Michael, we're trying to find you. Michael we know you're missing and we are searching you."

i have to believe that i can understand how he felt when those rescuers found him. I have to believe that i feel as indebited to the person who found me as Michael must have.

when someone finds you, you want to follow them around, you want to be around them to be affirmed of the value you have, value they saw in you.

i now have a greater understanding of what it means for Jesus to be called Savior, Rescuer. I understand greater what it means to WANT to have your life found in him.

11:53 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

	i'll be looking for another home again 7th time in 6 years
	5:31 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

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