it's supposed to be 94 degrees (that's fahrenheit, for all you metric loving jibberish munchers) in the city today. that can mean only one thing. it's time for humanity stew:
ingredients:
complete lack of self worth
2 quarts of hand sanitizer
liberal amounts of disdain
equipment:
1 waffle iron
pubic hair
first, stir in the huge, fat black woman who schlepped her way onto the jam-packed tram this morning. be sure to choose one that is yelling "fuck, fuck, git ouhdda my way, i'm already pissed off, don't fuckin' piss me off more," while trying to shoo any additional passengers from getting on board before adding any other ingredients. then add a further sprinkle of her screaming, "shut the fuck up" several times to the folks in the car who were trying to have polite and quiet morning conversation with their neighbors. allow to set for several painful minutes. oh, and try not to laugh. just try.
next, sashay yourself to duane reade and wait in the inevitably long line because all you want to do is buy a pack of smokes using your debit card. add a quarter cup of tiny eastern european woman counting pennies and demanding a rain check because the sale on tuna that was advertised in the flyer is out of stock. bake until the brain dead cashier finally understands what said customer is trying to say. unlike the retarded employee's example, please wash your hands between counting dirty dollar bills and eating flaming hot doritos at 8:30 a.m.
after making your purchase, and questioning your reason for living, continue to the tube. tightly pack one tall, lanky, gay man into a subway car with approximately 38, ripe german tourists. attempt to read one page of the the journal, while allowing sweat to bead down your back and into your ass crack. pick ass only once completely fermented.
once your workday has begun to set, revisit the dough that is your soul left over from the weekend. work into a self-absorbed knot and allow self to wallow for 2 to 3 hours. serve tepid.
