|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| "The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."I realized that whenever I write in this thing, I go on and on about things that are on the surface. I update about things that are going on in my life, but I never really get into what's really on my mind. I'm pretty sure I've made it clear that my sleeping schedule has totally been off, but rarely do I mention what it is that keeps me up at night. So here it goes, the moment you've all been waiting for... okay, you were never really waiting for this, but just act like you were, alright?
I am a coward.
I'm afraid of a few things. No, not the typical things people are afraid of (e.g. rollercoasters, scary movies, heights, the dark, etc.) Whatever. I can handle that shit. Well, with the exception of blood, God only knows I can't stand that. I'm actually scared of things other people are able to do without a care.
I'm afraid of opening up to people.
Whenever I tell others that I'm not the most social person, they look surprised. I do make friends easily, but those friendships oftentimes only turn out to be acquaintances. There are only a few... and I mean very few people who I feel total comfort with being. And sometimes, it's hard for me to open up to those who I'm close to. I don't know why, but I just like to keep my thoughts to myself.
I'm afraid of saying no.
I like to make things hard for myself, and easier for other people. For some odd reason, I just don't know how to say no to others. As much as I hate to admit it, I guess you could call me a push-over. Okay, that's horrible. I've got to fix that.
I am afraid to put effort into things.
I tend to do everything half-assed. I'm don't like to put my full-effort into anything because I'm afraid that if things don't work out, it'll all just explode in my face. I know that I'm the type who holds a lot of potential, but it kind of goes nowhere because I'm afraid to do anything with it. Last year my friend told me I was like Peter Parker. Brilliant, but lazy. Hah.
I'm afraid of falling in love.
I guess this sort of goes with my fear of opening up to people... but seriously. I don't know how anyone can do it. How people can just trust themselves with another person and just make themselves so vulnerable. I've done it before. It took me a LONG time to get over all the pain - in fact, I only fully got over it all today after a conversation with a friend. I'm not so sure when I'll be able to do it again.
So that's a part of me cut open.
And y'know what? It actually does feel somewhat refreshing.
I think I can go to sleep now.
| | |
| Call me crazy...but I might want to be a flight attendant.
I just laughed at myself.
Oh God, is that so ridiculous?
I'm feeling pretty low.
Everyone's heading off to do great things,
and here I am. Just... here.
And I don't know where to go, or how to move.
Stuck, I guess.
Mmmph.
| | |
| Heaven Only Knows.Hey hey hey. Updates, maybe?
I graduated. Hell yes. It's funny because I was sort of dreading going to the ceremony that morning. You know when you just have a bad feeling about something? A bad hunch? (Of course you don't, Xanga. You have no feelings!) Anyway, it was one of those - and it was for good reason.
The ceremony was... lively. I never realized how fucking huge our class was. 900 kids! The speeches were ridiculously over the top. If I hear the phrase "Shoot for the moon!" one more time, I swear I won't shoot for the moon, I'll shoot myself. If you were there, you'd understand. Nonetheless, I'm glad I passed that stepping stone.
Right after the ceremony, things didn't go as planned. My mom hadn't been feeling well for a while because of her stomach, and I guess it had gotten really bad. I got into an argument with my brother because he was reluctant to take her to the emergency room - he was just being an dick, really. We finally dropped her off there. I tried to have a good graduation day, though. Justine and I took the truck and went to House of Pies and the Observatory. Went to a party in Atwater too, but I felt guilty so I left early.
My mom didn't come home from the hospital 'til four days later, and when she got home she still wasn't doing too well. There was something wrong with her intestines and they had to do a colonoscopy. I don't remember the name of the condition she had. She's doing a lot better now though; she went back to work on Monday.
The past few weeks were hard, dealing with that and figuring out what I'm supposed to do now. I officially withdrew from UCSD yesterday. We just don't have the money, and I don't feel ready for it anyway. I thought that since I wasn't going to a university, I could just go to SMC and move out there. So I found a roommate, and was excited about moving out. That's not happening either. I don't even have money to move out. At first I was really angry at my family for this, but there's not much I could do. My dad's unemployed, and my mom barely makes enough to take care of herself and my sister... especially now with bills piling up from the hospital.
So I'm just going to go to LACC for now since it's just one bus ride away. It's weird, I realized that I kind of am pushed to be on my own. I started job hunting the other day. I don't think it was a smart move to quit working at Pinkberry two months ago... but oh well. I seriously only have $10 on me right now, and $4.20 in my savings account. Haha. I thought it was funny. I was just on Craigslist and I found out that Piper's, the diner right down the street is hiring... and check it! They want servers for dinner or graveyard shifts. That's pretty sweet considering the fact that I've always been nocturnal. I mean, I am writing this blog at 6 AM. I'm planning on stopping by there later today, and hopefully that'll go well.
Through all of this, all I've got to say is that I'm glad I've got my friends.
Alright, I'm finally going to bed. I've got tons more to say, but I'm tired.
Morning!
| | |
| :)just wanted to say ello. I was on marcel's itouch and I realized its been a while since I've been on here, so hi ! Life's pretty good... That's all I can say since its so hard to type on this thing. K. Bye! | | |
|
