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| Irony.Wow, so this makes my THIRD entry today. I really need a life. But this is the last one for the day, I promise.
I was browsing through some of my older entries which seem vaguely familiar with my current predicament. I've fallen in love, out of love, become heart broken, healed, etc. I've gone through this whole process in God knows how many ways, and I keep telling myself that this is just one of those situations just like all the others. But why does it feel different? And even then, I keep telling myself that it's felt different every time.
I don't know if it's because I've lost my virginity to him. And I try not to use that was my platform for all the subsequent excuses for my being so attached to him. If anything, he was just helping me get over a hump that I had just so I could be able to fuck someone that I'd really find worth doing it with. But no, I don't think the whole virginity thing is a reason. Maybe that's why I'm going to be attached to him for a hella long time, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse.
I keep going through my mind like an index to find references to my past similar experiences. I remember when Tim hurt me and led me on, while he was developing feelings for Katie. And for so long I felt I couldn't do better, that I wouldn't be able to find anyone else for me. And now I feel like the same damn thing is happening again, and I don't want it. I keep convincing myself that somewhere within himself that he does want to try again, that he still does somewhat have feelings for me... But why the secrecy? Why did he lie about me picking up some chick from the airport for Expo, how come he doesn't want his friend(s) telling me what he's doing all weekend? It's such a disgusting cycle. I feel like I'm not ready for a relationship any more than he is, but I still want him. Those feelings are still there. And I can't even look at any other man the same way that I look at him. I try talking to other guys, but I just can't. I can't get a hook up, I can't just DATE, etc...
It's just all a big fucking mess.
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| So I just got off the phone with the grandparents. It wasn't as bad as I had thought. But I tell you what though, my grandmother does a damn good job of bringing me to tears, and not in a bad way either. And given her past personal experiences, I really look up to this woman because I feel like she's actually something that I want to become. It's like, I think about Amber, and Tamryn, and my mother (which I think I got my dramatized side from... hah hah), and my grandmother, and I think, they're all independent women. And they are also the woman that I want to become, myself.
Anyway, aside from that, I've been thinking a lot about drawing again. I even bought a new pack of .5 mm pencils to get me started again (and maybe, MAYBE, crack open that container of Staedler ink pens I bought YONKS ago and put them to use)... I realized that I want to do more a of a 'realistic' type of art. Something like Hiroaki Samura (Blade of the Immortal), Oh!Great (Tenjou Tenge/Air Gear), or Falcoon (KOF and SNK artist.) I love drawing people; it's just the poses that get me the most. Maybe I should try taking anatomy classes?
As far as Expo is concerned now, I've finally got some extra finances. So if anything, I could just go shopping earlier in the week, then maybe Saturday if I feel like it, then just go back home. Because to be honest, I think the dealer's room is my biggest concern. lulz.
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| I've decided to maybe get back to using my Xanga more often... It's just crazy as to how much history it has (like, what, almost five years' worth?) and you know, as long as this damn site is still up, I think I want to keep blogging here. I've posted here more than I have ever (or ever will) write in a physical journal... Sucks for me though, if I lose all these memories. I've decided to just post daily, if at all possible. Maybe it'll help me in a bit of ways. Especially since I (think) still have "friends" who still check out my Xanga from time to time. Which is nice, especially when I hear from Jonas. =)
Well, today I tried mastering the whole "sleeping the day away", which wound up meaning "sleeping until about 1 something PM" and somehow I still felt crappy. For the past couple of years (and still) I've been paranoid about someone yelling at me for sleeping an entire day away. Kinda like how I was up in New York one summer and I'd sleep until about 5 or so and just be up the rest of the night. That doesn't sound unhealthy, at all. But I digress; I really need to stop sleeping in, period. I've always felt like I've been wasting my life away sleeping through an entire morning. =/
Anime Expo is coming up, and I should be excited for it. I kind of am, but I guess I'm just real worried about the drama that could or will ensue. I may not even stay the entire weekend (I'm already getting a free badge + room), and I'm getting my rebate check ($300 worth! Woot) on Saturday. So if anything, I'll spend the week hanging out with friends, going to some panels, and watching some anime. Then come Saturday and/or Sunday, maybe just go shopping in the dealer's room to my heart's content then go back home. Because honestly, there really isn't anything else there for me. I want to go there for myself and just have a good time to "get away from it all", but the stress of him being there is just a bit too much for me to bear, especially since he'll be with his new girl. Not really in the mood for that, no thank you.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be leaving Wednesday evening, maybe Thursday afternoon. I'd rather be getting lost driving in LA during the daytime than night time. Depending on who's around by Thursday and if navigation is (fairly) easy at the convention center (where I won't get jacked up) I'll probably just go exploring or something. Why the hell not?
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| I should be hit. Hard.Grammaton Agent: it's an 05 Legacy
Grammaton Agent: im not complaining
Grammaton Agent: all wheel drive
Grammaton Agent: i took that car for a drive last week
Grammaton Agent: and im now in love with AWD
yanxi3: What's all wheel drive?
Grammaton Agent: 9_9
Grammaton Agent: really?
yanxi3: Yes.
Grammaton Agent: give me a second
Grammaton Agent: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_wheel_drive
yanxi3: Omg, why didn't you just say FOUR wheel drive? lol.
yanxi3: Oh wait
yanxi3: ...."all-wheel drive"...
yanxi3: ...Wow, that's so self-explanatory
yanxi3: I should be hit for this.
Grammaton Agent: yes
Grammaton Agent: you should
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