some very cool things are happening lately and i cannot expose too much information about them here.

great things are in the works.

last night i started doing research on moving out... and now i'm getting ready to put some time in for a vacation in the spring.

there are good things all around... :)

so much has happened since my last update on 11/6 - yet most is still the same.

i'm down 40 pounds in 5 weeks. my clothes are falling off of me which meant i had to make an urgent trip to Old Navy (the only place i can really afford right now under my current financial fiasco) for some basics.

progress has been made with the divorce. i can't go into specifics here, but i no longer feel like i'm treading water. before things are finalized i'll be 'treading water' again. i know this and i'm prepared for it.

the holidays are among us. i made the mistake of stepping in a department store on saturday. it looked like santa up-chucked his previous meal. but the sights and sounds and smells made me swoon... and not in any good way either. i got light headed and dizzy and a hot coal started burning at the pit of my stomach. i realized then that the holidays were fast approaching and there was nothing i could do to stop them. (although i'm still researching ways that may work...).  i had told my parents that i wanted to be left alone for Christmas. maybe i'll drive down to the lake; enjoy a good book and some egg nog. but they were not keen on the idea. they called me selfish and silly. to be honest, i don't care what it is... i can't sit there and be fake.  i can't sit there and pretend i'm happy.  i'm lonely, intimidated, angry, jealous and hurt.... on MULTIPLE levels. but what would make it better? a weekend trip to vegas! christmas eve spent in a 5-star hotel with a hot man with plenty of time to devote tons of attention on ME. some time spent cuddling... sharing dreams and stories.... or.... if all else fails... some peppermint schnapps will do.

that's all i really care for sharing at the time.

here's a snapshot of what i did sunday afternoon. went through my closet and took out all the clothes that are now "way too big".

my weekend was by and large very pleasant despite the depressed undertones and currents of money anxiety.

very tired tonight. haven't slept in what feels like weeks. this week i've probably had 5 or 6 hours sleep total... that's calculating from last sunday to today. i'm headed to bed here very shortly... need to pack my gym bag for tomorrow (going back to working out 5 days a week after 2 weeks off dealing with my daughter and her school schedule). will be happy to be back in the routine.

fell alseep at the wheel last night and again today. NOT pleasant. must sleep.

goodnight.

Currently Listening Fallen By Evanescence see related

i'm down 33 pounds since Aug. 16, 27 of those lost over the past 3 weeks. i am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and pant size, however i am still soooo ashamed to look in the mirror. a deformed monster stares back... i must come to terms with the fact that having a baby will change your body forever (unless, of course, you have no qualms about seeking plastic surgery AND have the money to pay for it - or you are simply blessed with good genes).  my body will never be the same. yes, i know it is worth it. every little (or big) flaw is a badge to carry proudly (right?). next week i'll be hitting the gym every day again. focus on toning and strengthening.

after going to bed at 1, i've been up since 3. it's now 4. my daughter is sick (yes, again) with your average cold. runny nose, cough, irritability. that constant need for something even though nothing fully satisfies... yes, lots of fun.

despite my parents constant fighting and arguing and my daughter being sick, yesterday was a great day. we went shopping. i tried on a pair of $90 jeans, which looked fabulous by the way, but settled on an $18 pair of panties. i also received a teeny bit of money in the mail, a teeny portion of our deposit from the house. just enough to pay an extra bill and do a little shopping. i still need to find a winter coat (since mine is in storage).

in the afternoon i helped dad replace the carpet in the living room which wound up taking us into the early evening. by that point, my daughter was feverish so i made the decision to cancel my evening plans and stay in.

J is taking my daughter today. he had promised he'd be here close to 8 this morning. i'm dubious. but i do know that he does an awesome job with her when she's sick and to be honest, i'm ready for some uninterrupted sleep. i'm happy he's getting his turn tonight (*grumble* even though it should have been the entire weekend). he'll see her again on wednesday, then again the weekend of the 11th. in the meantime, i attempt the role of "supermom".

i have a lot of things to accomplish again today. church at 9 (nina is being baptized during the service), i need to drop off the payment at storage and pick up a few things as well, clean out the van and visit the salon for a facial. attempt an afternoon nap and by all means necessary get to bed at a decent hour.