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| it looks really very beautiful tonight. im looking out the window and
it looks like someone should just take a picture of it. its a light
purple-blue-grey color with the new spring colors on the trees. it
makes everything stop and feel serene for once and the beauty is
unaffected by the rest of the world. but then a dump truck drove by..
i wrote this for my teacher about who i think the five people i would
meet in heaven would be. and i made it more personal than i actually
meant to. but she loved it and it made me feel good since whenever i
read it it just made me hurt. but i guess thats how you know something
you write is good, if it makes you feel..or someone else feel and
understand. atleast thats what i want to get out of it. kenzie made me
feel good about it in her cute goofy kenzie-way. holli told me that it
was really good and i was a good writer and kenzie was like duuh she is
shes awesome or something like that. i love you kenz. i guess i just
need to hear that every now and again.
anyway here it is.
"This is the end, beautiful friend.
It hurts to set you free,
But you'll never follow me.
The end of laughter and soft lies.
The end of nights we tried to die.
This is the... end."
They say your life flashes before you right
before you die. How long does it take? Do the seconds seem like
hours? Is it hard to believe that what seems like a bad movie was
your very life? Regret, worry, hurt, suffering, all gone. How long does
it take to realize that you are going to be okay this time? How many
people will it take you to realize you mean the world and more.
One. She opened her eyes for the first time since
she arrived in Heaven. Looking around at the perfection she had always
imagined, she fell to her knees in tears. She cried out to God
and to anyone who could hear that she didn't belong here. It took
a moment to realize that she was being held now and comforted. It
startled her, she hadn't been held like this since she was a child and
for a split second she felt sad that she could not go back. She
looked up and saw the man holding her. It was her grandpa.
He winked at her and smiled. He told her how proud of her he
was. Even when she was scared. Even when she thought she
was not going to make it, he knew that she would. She felt a
great sense of love surround her. All of the times when she
thought that no one loved her, that no one cared she now knew was all
in her head. Before she could tell him she loved him too he was gone.
Two. She screamed and cried out for him to
come back. Crying on the ground, she heard laughing. When
she looked up she saw her brother.
"I should have guessed you would be crying and throwing a fit, even in paradaise."
Wiping her tears, she thought back to everything
that she had done, every problem she caused and person she hurt because
of it. This is when she finally realizes that it's going to be
okay. The pain she felt and the pain she caused, will never have
to be felt again. But her brother was there to explain that suffering
is a part of life. No good can come from evil, but there can be
no good without evil. It is the balance of life and it stands
true to this day. She cried out one last time, but this time they were
tears of happiness and understanding.
Three. When her brother left her she sat and
contemplated everything that she was learning. When she looked up
she was suprised at who she saw. She had cried herself to sleep
night after night because of what he put her through. He didn't
say anything until she screamed at him, demanding to know what he was
doing here.
"Let it out. Tell me you hate me. Remind me of all the pain I put you through. I know now trust me, I know."
When she first saw him she wanted to hurt him, to
make him feel everything she felt for years. But seeing his eyes, they
were not empty anymore. They were full of sincerity and she knew
why he was here now. She cried and said the three words he had been
waiting to hear for the longest time.
"I forgive you."
Four. "I feel responsible for why you are here."
She couldn't recognize this voice or the face that came with it.
"You don't even remember how you died do you, sweet heart?"
Astonished that she had never even thought of it,
she shook her head no. He snapped his fingers and they were at a
bar. "I should have told you that enough was enough. But
you were crying and you begged for just one more. How many times
you said just one more is beyond me. You're husband, ya'll had
gotton into a fight that night, as you did with him many nights
before. But it was different, this time you didn't get a chance
to go home and make up with him. I left before you, leaving my
buddy to help close up. I offered to give you a ride home but you
wouldn't let me."
"I, I think I remember. Oh no, I didn't. Please, say
it isnt true. I crashed into you going home. God, forgive me I
killed us both."
"Sweet heart, it's okay. That is why I am
here. We both needed eachother's forgiveness. But I have something else
to tell you. Something you need to hear. He never stopped loving you.
He still loves you to this day. And when he dies, you will be the
first he sees."
Five. Every night before she fell asleep
she used to pray to Him. To ask for forgiveness and to explain
why she didn't deserve it. To ask why she was here. Why was she
suffering like this? She wished she knew then how foolish and
selfish she had been. She closed her eyes and prayed.
"Please forgive me Lord, for when I thought I was alone, I was wrong."
With his hand on her shoulder, she knew that things were going to be alright this time.
-by paige
i hate how personal that all came out. the first person was my
grandfather. the first person who was really close to me who died. the
second obviously was my brother. the third was the hardest to write. it
was joe and i think i even shed a tear when writing it. i hate how hard
it is for me to hate him even now..i dont want him back or anything
stupid like that i just hate that he made me feel things that werent
there. the fourth was someone i had never met who had to explain to me
about the ones i left behind (the one i love) and the fifth was God
even though its techinically 5 people you meet in heaven..but its the
writers perogative i suppose.
the sky isnt a pretty purple color anymore.
tomorrow or saturday i will be able to see him and drink till the
bottles empty and sit in his car and pretend like things are the same
"you know i dont listen good and im always in need..so why you gotta be so mean to me..."
| | |
| im going to die of starvation, sleep deprivation, insanity or all of the above because of this paper...
its due friday. so basicly i have tonight (or this morning), and a day
to finish 15 pages for a rough draft. unless i get someone to
work for me thursday which i then will be graced with one more day.
thanks to haylie, pres, dirk, and jare its actually been managable.
haylie edited and gave me ideas, preston convinced me that it was going
to be okay, dirk convinced me to actually begin writing, and jared..he
was just sweet and made my day awesome.
i asked whos
hotter paris or nicole and jare said "You are, they are too much of hores
for me to like em" its whores sweetie but its okay
pray for me..i need it. yea. add in your prayers that you hope i get sleep and nuritment.
| | |
| well, at least i was right about things not being okay today.
i hate that i know i deserve this. i deserve every moment he spends
ignoring me or making me cry. i really do. they need to hurry up and
invent time travel so i can go back and time and fix all the bull shit
and mellow drama i caused. save some tears and some lives while im at
it.
is it that hard to see me. well yes, considering the circumstances.
since hes scared of us running into either of our parents. the chances
are rare so i just dont give a shit. i just want him to pick me up and
just sit at my old elementry school and get drunk in his car like we
always did.what are the chances of my mother taking a little stroll by
timber ridge.
im going to call it karma and leave it at that.
"There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me
How far can it be from home
Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me
Do you think that it got up and left for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know"
i just pray he didnt leave all this behind.
| | |
| i woke up this morning and came to an astonishing realization. things
are going to be okay. maybe not today or tomorrow. maybe not after i
get my license or even after i graduate. maybe in a year or two. but no
matter what things are going to eventually be alright. im not going to
cry myself to sleep everynight, maybe some nights. but one day im going
to wake up and realize i dont need to.
I wrote this poem and i couldnt stand how it ended. someone crying
because of how things ended. And i realized that things dont have to
end up like that. So i added a new ending, for a promise of a new
beginning. Because things dont have to be so bad. we make it this bad.
things are going to hurt sometimes, but you know what thats life..and
you just have to realize that the only way things will ever get better
is if you try to make them that way.
The first day we met
I told you how you took my breath away
And you whispered
You'll find another way to breathe
Then you kissed me hard and ive never felt so alive
I miss the nights
When we talked about nothing
And nothing else really mattered
Because you told me nothing meant more to you than me
And I believed you
The night we fell in love
I cried because these feelings, they scared me to death
You held me tight
And told me you'd never let me go
This is the first and last time i let myself fall so deep in love
It was a hot summer night and things didnt feel so right anymore
I cried in my drink and tried to hold his hand a little tighter
I couldnt even breathe and would never admit i couldnt walk straight
I told him i needed him
And hejust stood there, trying to hold back the tears i'd never see
Telling me he couldnt be the one even though he knew he was deep down
He forced a smile and whispered that i didnt need him and i'll find another way to breathe
Weeks, they turned to months and day by day breathing got harder
Knowing without his hand to hold onto things weren't going to be alrihgt
Love, drink it up while you can
Because no matter how many promises are made
It will taste bitter when its gone
She thought of everything he ever told her
Everything she believed was true to this day
You dont need me, just let go of us
Thats like asking me to stop breathing
And telling me im not worthy of fresh air
One day I woke up and realized everything was going to be okay
Not today or the next day, but one day it will be alright again
One day I wont fall asleep crying
And he's going to call knowing that she waited for him and it was all worth it
She knows now that life, it ends but love doesn't have to
"if your calling about my heart its still yours"~austin
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| oh my gosh im so happy. seeing lawrence just totally made my horrible
week absolutley fabulous. he came to school while i was at pe and he
left before i came back. and chris told me that he came so i called him
and made him come back. when i saw him i jumped on him as usual. haha i
miss him. back in the good ol days. when i get my license im so
stalking that boy.
i miss him. hopefully ill see him this weekend. if not ill cry. 
i miss the days when hed come over..and no one else would be there..and
the look on his face and me jumping on him and carrying me around kissing me. things dont get much better than that.
jasons coming to see me tomorrow. excitedlet
i wish jare was home. you need to come home loser. you know you miss me
dirkis they dont love you like i love you ::rocks back and forth:: youre not nice! haha
im hungry. k thanks bye
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